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The 45 Best Albums (That I Own) : 40 – 36

01/29/2015 01:02:06 AM

40   Mos Def & Talib Kweli are Black Star Black Star (1998) Let’s face it – as albums, Hip-Hop albums usually suck.  Way too many filler tracks, comedy skits, incoherent ramblings of the star emcee’s boys, etc.  Here though, we

The 45 Best Albums (That I Own) : 45 – 41

01/28/2015 02:40:18 AM

45   Californication Red Hot Chili Peppers (1999) Truthfully, RHCP are not one of my favorite bands.  Californication, though is a great collection of songs about loss, hope, and redemption.  “Around the World” sets the tone from the ...

The 45 Best Albums of All Time (That I Own)

01/28/2015 02:33:09 AM

I’m actually surprised that I have not yet seen a list of the best “Best Albums of All Time” lists.  Virtually every person with a keyboard who is even tangentially related to music has weighed in at some point or another with their countdown ...

Shit That Needs to Stop : Business Email

01/23/2015 15:48:54 PM

So, as some of you may know (I really don’t get into my backstory here, do I?  I should write a book or something…) I spent a fair share of my life in the corporate office setting, being driven mildly insane by the dumb shit people do there.  ...

Voicemail Hijinks

01/21/2015 22:44:38 PM

This is what happens when I am bored and my lawyer friend doesn’t answer my call. Caution : Definitely NSFW audio.

Phailure #50 – Video Edition!

01/20/2015 00:26:25 AM

To celebrate the 50th installment of Phailure, we’re upgrading the usual photo to video.   It’s short, yeah, but that’s so the shit doesn’t take forever to load. Maybe Cena should find her a dictionary.

Shit That Needs to Stop : Driving

01/14/2015 19:33:34 PM

Whenever I talk about getting a driver’s license with my friends from Europe, they express considerable shock at how easy it is for us Americans to earn the right to drive.  Whereas getting your license in Germany requires years of classes ...

Phailure #49

01/12/2015 01:23:40 AM

 New for 2015 : Cameltoe Mannequins!

Our Rights Trump Your Religion

01/08/2015 15:36:50 PM

Each and every person on this Earth has an inalienable right to live in peace, to pursue their own happiness, and to be regarded and treated as equals to all other people in every measurable way.  If you hold religious beliefs that are at odds ...

Shit That Needs to Stop : Hotels

01/06/2015 14:18:51 PM

Back in a previous life, when I used to virtually live in hotels – sometimes literally so – it became exceedingly apparent that these were strange little places.  There were some omnipresent highlights; like meticulously clean bathrooms ...

Someday, I Will Call Upon You…To Vote For the Bloggies

01/02/2015 14:57:09 PM

Friends, Enemies, and Indifferent Yet Loyal Readers, I need your help.  I try to entertain y’all to the best of my ability just for the sake of doing so, but for the next four weeks, we have an opportunity to help this here website take a ...

Phailure #48

01/02/2015 13:54:37 PM

All written accounts point to Wally Bronner as the founder of Bronner’s Christmas Wonderland, which makes me wonder why they have placed a giant ornament featuring Larry David next to the entrance.

The True Value of Christmas

12/25/2014 00:42:40 AM

So there we were, an extended family of about one dozen scattered about the sectional couch, tentatively and collectively focused on the television across the room showing the final minutes of the movie Elf.  The little ones had quieted down ...

Phailure #47

12/24/2014 00:05:34 AM

The first documented example of a thermostat using the Jedi Mind Trick

Social Media & The Neutering of Meaningful Discussion

12/20/2014 17:15:20 PM

For weeks, the controversial killing of Michael Brown and  subsequent refusal of a grand jury to bring the white police officer who killed him to trial was at the forefront of American consciousness.  Folks in Ferguson reacted passionately ...

Phailure #46

12/19/2014 13:27:35 PM

 They finally created a parking spot wide enough for my sister to stay inside of it. The post Phailure #46 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Finding Happiness Outside Our Walls

12/18/2014 14:46:50 PM

“Oh I’ve heard, that it’s good, to look before you cross… And nobody, no one, nowhere will ever find you – if you don’t get yourself lost.”   (Robinson/Robinson) We’re all a little flawed.  Some of us more than other

Phailure #45

12/15/2014 18:21:27 PM

Excerpt from a McDonald’s France Marketing Meeting : “Zee Americans…Zay all love zee barbecue zauce…but what else do zay like?” “Zay like zee bread.” (puffs cigarette) “Like, zee baguette?” “

Find Your Desirability Score!

12/13/2014 14:05:59 PM

Now that we’re all grown-ups, let’s agree that virtually everything people say they’re looking for in a mate is bullshit.  Grade AAA, unmitigated, hard-to-keep-a-straight-face bullshit.  When asked, both genders will dutifully an

Shit That Needs To Stop : Starbucks

12/12/2014 07:09:57 AM

Starbucks was once a place I avoided at all costs; my temporary occupation as a writer, though, has all but forced me to embrace the Seattle Satan in my everyday routine.  It’s not all bad, it serves its purpose, and from time to time it’s ...

Phailure #44

12/11/2014 10:36:11 AM

So, apparently what we’re boarding at 11:00 am is a fucking time machine that will take us to 10:00 am, giving this flight a prayer of being “Expected on time.”

…And The Best Song Ever Is…

12/07/2014 07:16:07 AM

It is, quite possibly, the only question in existence to which every answer given sounds ludicrous. Even queries as massive in scope as “Who was the best person to ever live?” beget potential responses agreeable to most who hear them; ...

Phailure #43

11/30/2014 21:16:14 PM

 Really?

Phailure #43

11/30/2014 21:16:14 PM

 Really ?

Ferguson : The Right Fight, The Wrong Time

11/24/2014 23:38:38 PM

Our world is, has been, and always will be populated by two factions: those on the right side of history, and those that oppose them.  Over time, thankfully, the right side prevails – the world is a more tolerant and enlightened place today ...

Phailure #42

11/23/2014 23:05:47 PM

Two things here : #1 – I’m sure that article is totally unbiased considering the source #2 – You can be 100% sure that what you are about to hear or read is total bullshit when it begins with “According to science…”

Dick Remote Guy

11/17/2014 18:13:45 PM

Below is another excerpt from the forthcoming book, due early next year… As my mid-thirties approached and I was still unmarried – hell, I hadn’t even strung together more than six months of dating one person in years – I began to feel ...

This Ain’t Gonna Work : The Four-Team NCAA Playoff and Inevitable Realignment

11/16/2014 00:18:40 AM

For decades, college football writers and voters crossed their fingers, hoping one team would run the table and go undefeated through the year, leaving no doubt which was the best in the country.  When the Bowl Championship Series (BCS) came ...

Phailure #41

11/14/2014 23:12:33 PM

Or, you know, the garbage. The post Phailure #41 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Shit That Needs to Stop : Black Friday

11/11/2014 19:36:59 PM

Let me ask you a question.  The next time you’re out in public, maybe somewhere classy like an Applebee’s, would you be willing to accept $100 in exchange for standing tall and screaming: “Excuse me! May I have your attention?  I want ...

Phailure #40

11/10/2014 13:05:38 PM

Phailure is Here

11/07/2014 15:47:42 PM

Ladies and Gentlemen – I give you Phailure. Eye Candy has become Phailure, and more than just a name change (and a clever one at that…thank you), we’ve also added an archive screen that is far easier to navigate.  Gone are the bloc

Eye Candy #39

11/07/2014 00:14:04 AM

Why does an indie psych-rock band suddenly have the right to take away my free sandwich?

It’s the Thought That Counts

11/05/2014 16:59:18 PM

We’ve all been there. Christmas as a kid, maybe, or a random birthday in your adulthood.  Some kind soul offers you a wrapped gift, you open it and it is…terrible.  Like, you want to say “what the fuck am I supposed to do with this thing?” ...

Eye Candy #38

11/05/2014 10:24:12 AM

Air France is not very skilled at detecting sarcasm. The post Eye Candy #38 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Eye Candy #37

11/03/2014 10:31:13 AM

If you can’t trust this place to turn that deer carcass strapped to your truck roof into a safe, healthy dinner for your family… then I don’t know who you can trust.

The Most Amazing Thing to Happen on Halloween

11/02/2014 10:46:43 AM

Make sure to watch the side by side at the bottom.  Trust me on this. You might have awakened this morning feeling pretty good about your Halloween costume.  Got a few compliments, people laughed, maybe you even won a $25 gift card to Chi ...

Shit That Needs To Stop : Air Travel

10/31/2014 10:24:55 AM

Look, people are stupid.  We know this.  There are too many people watching Two and a Half Men or downloading Nicki Minaj’s “music” to conclude anything different.  Under normal conditions, us intelligent folk can navigate our way ...

The Old Man and the Pee

10/29/2014 18:51:00 PM

After enduring the check in and boarding process at Paris’ Charles de Gaulle airport – the Tenth Circle of Hell – and weaving between the folks depositing their carry-on and sundry gifts for friends back home into the overhead bins, I ...

Eye Candy #36

10/28/2014 17:36:01 PM

 “Hmm, I just can’t decide if I want the blue beret or the gr…OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GRAB THE KIDS AND GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE IT MOVES AAARRGGHHH!!!!” The post Eye Candy #36 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Circlejerkivism

10/26/2014 11:38:39 AM

It’s tricky to criticize a person that works as a social activist.  Whether you’re a businessperson, athlete, unemployed writer, or high-price escort, you’ll be starting with considerably less credibility from an altruism standpoint.  ...

Eye Candy #35

10/23/2014 05:00:31 AM

 “Honey… did I have that raging case of the shits the Thursday before last, or the Tuesday before last?” “Let me check Google Calendar… yep, Thursday” “God…DAMMIT!” The post Eye Candy #35 appeare

Sometimes, Reddit is Not Awesome

10/21/2014 07:10:09 AM

Based on the statistics of how most of you get here (oh yes, I am watching you, my sweet) and from talking to the readers I know personally, I presume the majority of you aren’t familiar with Reddit or how it works.  So, here’s a brief ...

Eye Candy #34

10/19/2014 15:36:18 PM

  Making a point to tell you this notepad was made in Germany…in English.

Eye Candy #33

10/18/2014 11:29:16 AM

I am fairly certain that the Spartans are not playing the Colts tonight… The post Eye Candy #33 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

The Fault in Our SARS (and other communicable diseases)

10/16/2014 20:25:19 PM

As predicted in last week’s post, the true magnitude of the current Ebola epidemic – as it related to potential spreading in America – turned out to be somewhere between pants-shitting exponential growth feared by some, and the tidy, clean ...

Eye Candy #32

10/16/2014 07:59:34 AM

* the 00.01%?  Ebola. The post Eye Candy #32 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Seven (More) Things You Need to Stop Doing on Facebook

10/09/2014 22:36:20 PM

In case you missed it, we posted the first set of Facebook atrocities earlier this year.  You might want to start there.  Or do these first.  It’s not like there’s a plot to follow. 1) Using a Photo of Your Child as Your Profile Pict ...

The Disappearing Middle

10/08/2014 14:30:05 PM

The scene plays out in a strikingly similar manner, regardless of topic.  During a group discussion about prominent news items, you’ll state your belief, the group unanimously disagrees, and you find yourself looking around the room, eyes ...

Eye Candy #31

10/07/2014 22:21:52 PM

Without a doubt, the most grim page of a “Baby’s Firsts” book ever published. 

Eye Candy #30

10/02/2014 23:37:10 PM

Eye Candy #29

09/30/2014 15:52:18 PM

 The possessive apostrophe – proudly misapplied for 65 years and counting… The post Eye Candy #29 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

An Investment in Peace

09/26/2014 01:58:27 AM

In the days that followed her passing, during the grim perfunctory tasks that come with cleaning up after a life, my mother’s handwritten journals made their way into my hands.  There were five books in all, each one spiral bound with a very ...

Sometimes, Reddit is Awesome.

09/25/2014 14:01:36 PM

Over the course of the last five months, I’ve gone from being completely ignorant of Reddit, to being confused by it, to loving it, to hating it, loving, hating, etc. As a writer blogger person who writes things, it can be an express lane ...

Eye Candy #28

09/23/2014 15:12:47 PM

This is the most happening intersection in the Lung Cancer Meadows subdivision. The post Eye Candy #28 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

What. The. F**k?

09/22/2014 22:42:40 PM

You know what you get when I want to post something but I’m ass-deep in something else?  You get this.  You will watch it, you will laugh, you will be slightly disturbed, and most importantly you will have no idea what in the blue hell just ...

What Roger Goodell SHOULD Have Said

09/19/2014 15:04:34 PM

Oh, Roger. Skipping over the fact that your entire reading of the NFL’s carefully crafted script was wooden and lacking any sincerity, I can’t believe that that was the output of an ostensibly top-notch PR and Communications staff. It w ...

You Can’t Vaccinate Stupid

09/18/2014 16:03:59 PM

As any regular reader here knows – I am not a parent.  While I know that typically forces me to recuse myself from any discussion even tangentially related to parenting – “you don’t even have kids” serves as a microphone-dropping ...

A Requiem for Rose

09/16/2014 15:42:05 PM

The following is the second of a series of excerpts from the forthcoming untitled Tanktronic book, due in Winter 2015.  This excerpt is taken verbatim from the journals of my late Mom : her journals will be the centerpiece of the book. This ...

15 Weeks for Personnel Foul

09/15/2014 17:42:04 PM

Back when I first wrote about my disappointment in the NFL late in July over the issuing of a paltry two-game suspension  for Ray Rice, their continued defense of the Redskins in keeping their offensive name, and their shameful apathy towards ...

Eye Candy #27

09/14/2014 23:08:50 PM

When you need to explicitly spell out to your potential customers that yes, you can in fact enter the store and purchase items – you have SERIOUSLY fucked up your marketing approach. photo credit – JK The post Eye Candy #27 appeared fir ...

Feline Nursing and Realizing I’m a Helicopter Parent

09/13/2014 18:16:30 PM

There was actually a beautiful symmetry to it. In the first year after bringing my cat, Clifford, home from the shelter, I had a pretty substantial knee surgery, one that would leave me in a significant amount of pain and relegated to my couch ...

Sometimes, the Internet is Awesome

09/12/2014 23:02:42 PM

Here’s what happens when someone takes YouTube clips of everyday, amateur musicians – and edits them masterfully to make a new song.  If only we could get more of this, and less elaborate ads for boner pills. The post Sometimes, the In ...

Eye Candy #26

09/10/2014 18:59:52 PM

“Is that jagged rail sticking out of the ground safe?” “No.” “Shouldn’t we do something before we leave?” [Slaps bucket on end of rail] “Fuck it, we’re done here.” The post Eye Candy #26 app

Eye Candy #25

09/03/2014 00:44:53 AM

They’ve been insuring my home and auto all these years, but Esurance has finally given me the peace of mind that can only come from knowing my Canadian is fully protected. The post Eye Candy #25 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Eye Candy #25

09/03/2014 00:44:53 AM

They’ve been insuring my home and auto all these years, but Esurance has finally given me the peace of mind that can only come from knowing my Canadian is fully protected. The post Eye Candy #25 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

My Anaconda Don’t Want None

09/01/2014 20:30:35 PM

In the 2006 cult favorite Idiocracy, Mike Judge provides a frighteningly hilarious satirical look at what American culture might look like in the future.  In the film, the year is 2505, everyone wears Crocs, you can get handjobs at Starbucks, ...

My Anaconda Don’t Want None

09/01/2014 20:30:35 PM

In the 2006 cult favorite Idiocracy, Mike Judge provides a frighteningly hilarious satirical look at what American culture might look like in the future.  In the film, the year is 2505, everyone wears Crocs, you can get handjobs at Starbucks, ...

Learning to Love the Bucket

08/24/2014 23:49:15 PM

So, have you done it yet? Have you accepted someone’s challenge, propped up your camera, and dumped ice water over your head? I haven’t, and I won’t.  The whole thing feels a bit too much like slacktivism, and I’m already on record ...

Learning to Love the Bucket

08/24/2014 23:49:15 PM

So, have you done it yet? Have you accepted someone’s challenge, propped up your camera, and dumped ice water over your head? I haven’t, and I won’t.  The whole thing feels a bit too much like slacktivism, and I’m already on record ...

Eye Candy #24

08/24/2014 22:24:53 PM

READER SUBMISSION : BM in Michigan, USA

Eye Candy #24

08/24/2014 22:24:53 PM

READER SUBMISSION : BM in Michigan, USA

Back to Life… Back to Reality

08/20/2014 22:38:25 PM

Hey everyone… That pesky little responsibility called “real life” took me away from doing anything here on the site over the last week – but I am back, refreshed, and ready to entertain.  Nude, if needed. But tastefully nude.

Let’s Go Mental

08/12/2014 17:37:06 PM

This is an article I was intending to write two weeks ago, and then last week, and then, well, who knows when I would have gotten around to it.  See, I had been stuck in one of my little ruts.   My issues aren’t serious, really, but they ...

Let’s Go Mental

08/12/2014 17:37:06 PM

This is an article I was intending to write two weeks ago, and then last week, and then, well, who knows when I would have gotten around to it.  See, I had been stuck in one of my little ruts.   My issues aren’t serious, really, but they ...

German Freddie Mercury Gets Down

08/07/2014 22:45:05 PM

The following is the first of a series of excerpts from the forthcoming untitled Tanktronic book, due out this winter.  In this excerpt, I reflect on my short time living in Stadthagen, a small town in Germany. I lived in one of the town’s ...

German Freddie Mercury Gets Down

08/07/2014 22:45:05 PM

The following is the first of a series of excerpts from the forthcoming untitled Tanktronic book, due out this winter.  In this excerpt, I reflect on my short time living in Stadthagen, a small town in Germany. I lived in one of the town’s ...

Eye Candy #23

08/05/2014 23:28:25 PM

 There might be a slight editorial bias to that proclamation. The post Eye Candy #23 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Eye Candy #23

08/05/2014 23:28:25 PM

 There might be a slight editorial bias to that proclamation. The post Eye Candy #23 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

The Six Worst Things That Happen at a Drive-Thru

08/01/2014 14:45:10 PM

Ah, America.  The land of freedom and opportunity, including the opportunity to not even have to pull your fat ass out of your car to acquire your 1,500 calorie bag of grease.  It’s an almost embarrassingly lazy practice – but it is s ...

The Six Worst Things That Happen at a Drive-Thru

08/01/2014 14:45:10 PM

Ah, America.  The land of freedom and opportunity, including the opportunity to not even have to pull your fat ass out of your car to acquire your 1,500 calorie bag of grease.  It’s an almost embarrassingly lazy practice – but it is s ...

Eye Candy #22

07/31/2014 00:53:01 AM

Actually, I’m pretty sure YOU need to go back and read your Bible. If being clergy with a Cadillac isn’t a sin, then that atrocious pinstriping definitely is. 

Eye Candy #22

07/31/2014 00:53:01 AM

Actually, I’m pretty sure YOU need to go back and read your Bible. If being clergy with a Cadillac isn’t a sin, then that atrocious pinstriping definitely is. 

This is What Cable Advertisements Should Really Look Like

07/30/2014 12:10:06 PM

The post This is What Cable Advertisements Should Really Look Like appeared first on tanktronic.com.

My Week as a Hot Chick

07/29/2014 11:42:47 AM

My animosity towards match.com has been well documented,  although I never did delve in to the results from my use of the service – mostly because no one gives a shit, it’s depressing, and now moot. To be as succinct as possible and recap ...

The NFL is America. The Bad Part.

07/27/2014 22:54:45 PM

Over the past week we’ve heard all the facts, seen the video, and witnessed the justifiable outrage over the NFL’s laughably soft punishment of Ray Rice for punching his fiancé in the face and knocking her unconscious in an elevator. Well, ...

Hey.

07/26/2014 14:11:23 PM

Love it at 0:13… The post Hey. appeared first on tanktronic.com.

Children and/or Friends

07/24/2014 16:25:56 PM

Here’s a disclaimer that will likely become obvious quite quickly : I don’t have children. I hope to, someday, and I fully expect to look back at this, smile, shake my head, and smirk about how hopelessly clueless and naive I was.  Opinions ...

Eye Candy #21

07/24/2014 14:55:07 PM

 Well, it sure as hell isn’t Spelling Saturday The post Eye Candy #21 appeared first on tanktronic.com.

People or Pets?

07/22/2014 14:36:45 PM

You have two million dollars to spend on your community.  You can either spend it on your local animal shelter or spend it fixing the teeth of poor children.   Which do you pick? (These are your only two choices, and no dividing the money) ...

Patrick Stewart = Man

07/22/2014 00:28:06 AM

As part of her post today, The Bloggess included the video below of Sir Patrick Stewart answering a surprisingly serious question from a fan at Comicpalooza 2013 in Texas.  I found this noteworthy because : 1) It shows how awesome of a person ...

Eye Candy #20 – Caption Contest!

07/20/2014 21:33:03 PM

Announcing the first ever Tanktronic.com Eye Candy Caption Contest!  Instead of the brilliantly witty caption you would normally find below the photo, you’ll see nothing but a barren wasteland of comic potential.  It’s up to you to su ...

Eye Candy #19

07/20/2014 12:31:50 PM

I’m not entirely sure what happens at the “Create-a-Memory Rubbing Station,” but I’m pretty sure you proceed to the designated smoking area immediately after.

Eye Candy #18

07/17/2014 23:52:38 PM

Ouch.

07/17/2014 02:59:16 AM

Seven Things You Need to Stop Doing on Facebook

07/15/2014 14:49:40 PM

1)  Posting selfies at a rate greater than one per week. We know what you look like.  If we forgot, we can just go back and reference one of the 815 pictures you have posted to your Facebook wall in the past year.  We’ve seen you with and ...

Public Service Announcement

07/15/2014 13:01:11 PM

To all the people who have ended up here at Tanktronic.com as the result of Googling “disabled pussy,” umm, thanks for visiting.   But, dude…  seriously? I would link to some sort of support group if I could think of a relevant on

Ask Tanktronic : #9

07/13/2014 23:47:13 PM

You seem to be a very well-traveled young man.  How do you feel about people that don’t have a valid passport in today’s day and age? It almost seems sad that someone would miss out on so much of the world just because they never took ...

Eye Candy #17

07/11/2014 21:05:24 PM

The clip art says “ice cream store”… …but the tag line says “place to smoke weed and watch midgets have sex”

Why Women Should Run Your Company

07/09/2014 13:20:06 PM