The chaos that is this family - moodiness prevails
Published on 2010-10-02 23:41:00
No wonder the counsellor keeps saying that I live in a chaotic environment (and have since I was a child), because I do. This is not a calm environment I live in and have never lived in. It is a very chaotic environment and one which is not good for me.To have to contend with people who behave this way is not healthy.The three of them are totally unpredictable - I never know what kind of mood they will be in from one day to the next, nor how they will respond to anything I do or say. It's very unstable and makes me feel very unsure about my life.No wonder I have always felt that I haven't had sure footing in life, that I haven't felt like I belonged anywhere and that I haven't felt like I could count on anyone. How could I when I have been exposed to nonsense like this all my life and haven't known anything else.I have finally realised why I have always attracted and been attracted to similar people to my family - those who use and disrespect me - because these are the only people who feel familiar to me and are what I am used to and know well.I am starting to recognise the insanity for what it is now and that is making it worse with my parents because I am speaking up for myself and they don't like that and want to shut me down. That is sad that I have to tolerate that nonsense.At least with the counselling and reading, I have been working on my self-worth and self-love, to make myself a stronger person who doesn't have to take crap from anyone.You know the other day, I started to feel really sad. I felt really sad because I was grieving the childhood I never had and the good family I never had and I told myself that it was okay to feel this way, that it was normal to feel sad about that which I never had growing up, but which I should have had and was entitled to have. That made me feel better to know that.