Blog Feed: Where the Hell Was I?

Should Not Compute

Published on 2013-05-20 23:41:25

There's nothing quite like buying electronics online to beat a guy like me into submission. I like to think that I know a little bit about computers and stereo equipment and the like, seeing as how I use it every day. Also, I like to think that I hav

There's a Sucker Bjorn Every Minute

Published on 2013-05-16 23:38:24

I have a spammer. A Swedish spammer. I'm not sure the distinction is especially important. If it were a masseuse, then clearly a Swede would be better. Or a chef. At least, if the chef was also a Muppet. Obviously. Or a bikini team. Unless those we

The Memory of Wheeze

Published on 2013-05-12 23:05:50

I write a lot of nonsense around here. I wouldn't want you to think that I'm specifically torturing you by throwing all that jibberjabber in one place. There's plenty to go around. Plenty. By way of proof, I'll share a bit of nonsense with you that,

We All Scream for a Time Machine

Published on 2013-05-08 23:52:51

I think all food should be more like ice cream. This should come as no surprise to anyone who knows me. Or has ever eaten ice cream. But I'm not actually talking about the taste of the stuff now, nor the texture, nor the cool refreshing temperature

Spare Me, Change

Published on 2013-05-04 21:40:04

I don't believe in signs. Sometimes, like tonight, it's very difficult. But I do not believe in signs. I'm quite sure of this. Even if I have to repeat it occasionally to make sure. The particular sign I'm not believing in tonight is that universe

The Washed-Up Washer

Published on 2013-05-01 22:02:03

I mentioned a while back that my wife was out of town last week on family business. What I didn't mention is that on the Saturday before she left, our washing machine went kaput. Well, maybe not "kaput", literally. I wasn't around to hear the exact

State of the Blog: 2013

Published on 2013-04-29 22:26:01

It's one day short of the end of April, and there are milestones aplenty on the horizon for this site. I thought I'd take a quick moment tonight to mention a few. Because what the hell else do I have to write about, eh? One day less than one year ag

Eek!Cards #265: Grandma, What's a GeoCities?

Published on 2013-04-28 23:26:27

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

A Man, a Fan and No Plan

Published on 2013-04-27 21:15:46

I have fans. Not fans of my writing. Obviously. I'm talking about ceiling fans. In the condo my wife and I share, there are no less than three ceiling fans -- one each in the living room, spare bedroom and main bedroom. These fans are all from the

Eek!Cards #264: How Would You Feel About Nipples McCrotch?

Published on 2013-04-26 23:17:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #263: You've Got Some Eyeliner on Your... Well, Everything

Published on 2013-04-25 23:39:15

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #262: You Ty-D-Bol Me Over

Published on 2013-04-24 23:43:36

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Survival of the Week

Published on 2013-04-23 23:11:57

I'm flying solo this week. The missus left this weekend to deal with some family business, and won't be back until Sunday. That's given me two days -- to date, with five more coming -- to hold down the fort and fend for myself. So far, I'm managing

Eek!Cards #261: Plenty of Room on Mars, I'm Just Saying

Published on 2013-04-22 20:54:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #260: The Chess King Says You're Deported

Published on 2013-04-21 23:45:39

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #259: Love, Post-Apocalyptically

Published on 2013-04-20 23:34:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Locked Down, Wiped Out

Published on 2013-04-19 23:42:01

For any readers unaware, I live in the Boston area. As in, Boston Metro. As in, when the bomber-related "city lockdown" froze the Hub for the better part of twenty-four hours today, my wife and I were included in the shut-inedness. (Happily -- for a

Eek!Cards #258: She Dewey Decimals Me, She Dewey Decimals Me Not

Published on 2013-04-18 23:54:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #257: At Least My Upper Lip Is Stiff

Published on 2013-04-17 23:58:43

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #256: Go for the Throat

Published on 2013-04-16 23:49:58

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

A (Dis)Concerted Effort

Published on 2013-04-15 21:05:09

Last night, the missus and I went to a concert. A jazz concert, specifically. And a jazz trio, to nail it down rather on-the-nosely. It was a good show -- the music was lively and uptempo, which I like. The drummer was relentless. The pianist was fr

Eek!Cards #255: Feed a Fever, But You're Still Old

Published on 2013-04-14 23:17:55

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #254: Also, Did You Keep the Receipt?

Published on 2013-04-13 13:12:25

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #253: Sittin' in a Tree, IRS-S-I-N-G

Published on 2013-04-12 23:06:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Time for Class, Goofyass

Published on 2013-04-11 23:58:00

Last week, I mentioned that our Deli Juices sketch gang is getting together for more yuks. And we are. While I was guesting on Sir Kris Earle's Time Travel show on radio WMFO -- and we replayed the previous yuks, if that wets your whistle -- we tal

Eek!Cards #252: You Might Want to Wipe That Off, Kid

Published on 2013-04-10 23:06:42

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Hawaii, Here I Come

Published on 2013-04-07 23:53:02

I am Puerto Rico. This is not to say that I'm Puerto Rican, of course. One look at my pale gringo mug up there would tell you that. Nor do I mean that I embody the spirit of Puerto Rico, by any stretch. (I'm led to believe that Puerto Ricans are tr

Eek!Cards #249: My Pancreas Aches for You

Published on 2013-04-06 23:30:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #248: You're Number One! You're Number One!

Published on 2013-04-05 23:48:47

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #247: Also, Can I Borrow Your Car?

Published on 2013-04-04 23:17:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Let's Make a Deli

Published on 2013-04-03 23:07:05

Long-term fans -- if that's actually a "thing" around here these days -- may remember my last foray into sketch comedy in June of 2012. That was a radio gig and live show with Deli Juices, featuring hilarious gents Kris Earle and Winston Kidd. It wa

Eek!Cards #246: Or Possibly Culture Club Karaoke

Published on 2013-04-02 23:02:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #245: On Line 83 of Form 129A, Write 'LOL WUT?'

Published on 2013-04-01 23:06:33

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #244: Unless Babar Is in Your Back Yard?

Published on 2013-03-31 23:41:26

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

A Glass Half-Empty, Too Expensive and Currently Out of Stock

Published on 2013-03-30 23:48:38

In the old days, you could tell whether you were an optimist or pessimist based on how you felt about an otherwise ambivalent glass of water. In the modern internet age, things have changed completely. Now you learn about yourself based on which onli

Eek!Cards #243: Amen, Garcon

Published on 2013-03-29 23:50:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #242: Pony Up, Holiday Hairball

Published on 2013-03-28 23:54:51

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) And before you go! As you may have heard, ZuG.com is closing up shop at the end of the month, after an eighteen-year run of yuks. So there's not much time to check out my latest -- and last -- piece for the site, Zolton's

Life, According to Bernhard Schtinson

Published on 2013-03-27 23:49:39

For a while, I watched How I Met Your Mother. I'm not especially ashamed to admit this. For a season or so, it maintained the facade, more or less, of a show that was really about how some guy met his kids' mom. As opposed to what the show is actual

Eek!Cards #241: The Most (Golden) Delicious Revenge

Published on 2013-03-26 23:09:52

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #240: There's Always 'When Appetizers Attack'

Published on 2013-03-25 23:46:53

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #239: These Picks Ain't Picasso

Published on 2013-03-24 23:02:40

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Cafeterial Obligations

Published on 2013-03-23 23:10:46

Hey hey! So, the word on the street is that Deli Juices may be getting the band back together for another run. (To be fair, we're not literally a band. Which is probably a good thing. We'd be all off-key polkas and theremins, probably. And without

Eek!Cards #238: I Want Half the Sour Cream, and Every Other Jalapeno

Published on 2013-03-22 23:41:13

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #237: A Friend in Deep Freeze is a Friend, Indeed

Published on 2013-03-21 23:37:59

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #236: Love Is Just a Steadily-Decreasing Number, Apparently

Published on 2013-03-20 23:54:54

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) While we're in the mood! Word on the street, sadly, is that ZuG.com will go kaputski at the end of the month. This is no fun. But like a good... uh, fourth mate who's not allowed off the poop deck, maybe, I'm going down w

Ice Not for Whom the Bell Tolls

Published on 2013-03-19 18:02:27

It's always sad when you lose a loved one. The void that's left, the feeling of helplessness, all the things you wished you'd said or done before the end. But one day, they're just gone, suddenly, and you can only try to pick yourself up and move on.

Eek!Cards #235: Spring's Forward, You're Back

Published on 2013-03-18 23:14:18

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #234: Like Dolly the Sheep... Or the Parton

Published on 2013-03-17 23:40:44

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #233: So Long As We Both Buy You Midol

Published on 2013-03-16 17:30:20

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

If You're Reading This, the Words MAY ALREADY BE INSIDE YOU!

Published on 2013-03-15 23:45:59

These shingles commercials are really getting out of hand. Don't get me wrong; shingles is a serious condition. By which I mean painful, and by which I mean I don't want karma to slap me with a case of it should it seem I'm taking shingles lightly.

Eek!Cards #232: Or Completely Non-Magical Pixie Dust

Published on 2013-03-14 23:49:32

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #231: Would a Threesome with Boiled Cabbage Be Weird?

Published on 2013-03-13 23:20:23

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) What's this? There's more fun?! If you're in the maple leaf and fur trapper mood, pop over to ZuG and check out my latest FB zaniness: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Canadian Companies. That'll put the puck in yer net, there,

Eek!Cards #230: Everybody's Having a Ball!

Published on 2013-03-12 23:43:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Face-ing the Judges

Published on 2013-03-11 23:27:52

Occasionally at work, the HR folks will come up with some kind of game for the employees to play. They'll do this as a "pick-us-up", and there are usually little prizes or treats for winning. It breaks up the week and gets people thinking and moving

Eek!Cards #229: I'm an AlphaBitch Gal, Myself

Published on 2013-03-10 23:00:52

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #228: How the Hell Did He Get In There?

Published on 2013-03-09 22:57:53

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

A Twitter Is as Twitter Does

Published on 2013-03-08 22:58:25

So, I have this Twitter account. I mention this not just as a bald-faced shameful bid to attract more followers. (Though, you know, if you really wanted to check it out, who's stopping you? Nobody, is who. I'm just saying. It's a lot like here, act

Eek!Cards #226: Blood Is NOT Thicker Than This Deadbolt

Published on 2013-03-06 22:37:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) And more goodies! If you have a tick, please to be strolling over to ZuG, where my latest bit of Zolton buffoonery is on display. Namely, Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Mall Electronics Companies. At "don't cost nothin'", it

Eek!Cards #225: The Foil Wrapping Is Optional

Published on 2013-03-05 22:25:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Hey, while you're here... The good folks over at Studio30+ were kind enough yesterday to feature a set of blogging tips that I wrote. It went about as well as you can imagine, which is to say, disastrously. But why take

Fibber McGummo and Me

Published on 2013-03-04 19:34:22

Why must people lie? I just don't get it. Oh, sure, I understand some lies. People lie when they want something, or they're being nice, or being mean, or trying to get out of sometime, or trying to get into something. Usually pants. I understand all

Eek!Cards #224: Less Queues, More Booze

Published on 2013-03-03 22:22:20

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #223: Honey, It's Affecting Us All!

Published on 2013-03-02 22:47:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Lock-Blocked

Published on 2013-03-01 22:57:05

I love my wife. I do. She's patient and smart and pretty and kind, and I'm not just saying that because she hasn't taken the opportunity to smother me with a pillow in all the years we've been together. (She could do it, too. I'm a heavy sleeper. An

Eek!Cards #222: Think Smaller, More Legs

Published on 2013-02-28 22:16:20

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #221: Mom Would Want It This Way, Bro

Published on 2013-02-27 22:16:24

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) But wait -- there's MOAR! For more yuks, pop over to ZuG to see my latest FB silliness: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Frozen Food Companies. Your move, innernets.

Eek!Cards #220: Parting Is Such Sweet Braaaaaains

Published on 2013-02-26 09:58:12

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Look of Lunch

Published on 2013-02-25 21:18:59

There is no situation that I cannot make uncomfortable. It's a special talent I have, one I cannot turn off, and one that will probably eventually drive me to live in a cave outside of town, chased there by a horde of uncomfortable torch-wielding vil

Eek!Cards #219: But If It Comes Back to You, the Electric Fence Probably Worked

Published on 2013-02-24 12:28:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #218: It's Like I've Opened Some Sort of Box

Published on 2013-02-23 10:07:49

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

I'll Just Keep On Trying, Till I Run Out of Certs

Published on 2013-02-21 23:03:03

A further follow-up to the awesomely nerdy cruise I went on last week: The missus and I came back with a handful of souvenirs -- T-shirts (based on this design by xkcd author, cruise participant and domestic ball pit owner Randall Munroe, jealous

Small Problem, Big Solution

Published on 2013-02-20 18:50:07

I'm no fan of small talk. Partly, I don't like small talk for the same reason I don't like tennis or karaoke or applied physics: I'm no good at it, it doesn't come naturally, and I look and feel stupid for even attempting it. But there's more to it.

Eek!Cards #216: Hey, At Least It's Not Salad Tongs

Published on 2013-02-19 22:57:45

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #215: For All of Your Most Feeble Needs

Published on 2013-02-18 22:26:47

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #214: Who Said Anything About 'Fault'?

Published on 2013-02-17 22:12:06

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

I'm Making a Note Here: Cruise Success!

Published on 2013-02-16 22:31:52

It's nice when other peoples' nightmares make my life easier. (I mean, let's be fair. Other people are going to have nightmares. There's nothing I can do about that. I'm not the frigging tooth fairy over here. So if those nightmares work out to my

Eek!Cards #213: But Baby, You Should See My 'Curlicues'

Published on 2013-02-15 22:13:20

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #212: If You Dance with Saguaros, You're Gonna Get Pricked

Published on 2013-02-14 22:11:03

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #211: All Aboard!

Published on 2013-02-13 22:02:53

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Pandora's Botch

Published on 2013-02-12 22:41:00

I mentioned a while back that the missus and I were planning -- and replanning, and cursing, and re-replanning -- to catch a Caribbean cruise this week. We finally did, with a bit of Planes, Trains and Automobile-ish adventure, and we're settling in

Eek!Cards #210: A Test Worth Cramming For?

Published on 2013-02-11 22:58:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Heyo! I made it to vacation (finally), so I'll be a little (or a lot) behind schedule for the rest of the week. In the meantime -- and just in time for Valentine's Day -- here's a gem (get it? GEM!) of a piece I wrote ov

Eek!Cards #209: Trading on the Pink Market

Published on 2013-02-10 15:06:49

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #208: Three Strikes, and You're Single

Published on 2013-02-09 22:45:13

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Getaway Keepaway

Published on 2013-02-08 15:34:16

I try, occasionally, to have nice things. Yeah, I don't know what I'm thinking, either. I might as well try to grow moose antlers. This particular snafu involves a vacation. It's winter in Boston, obviously, and the missus and I decided to escape i

Eek!Cards #207: Valentinespotting

Published on 2013-02-07 22:50:53

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #206: Sometimes Correlation IS Causation

Published on 2013-02-06 22:54:56

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) While we're having a ball here, why not pop over to ZuG for a gander (or a goose!) at my latest Zolton romp: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Sexist Companies? You'll never eat a Manwich in the same way again.

Eek!Cards #205: I Just Assume That's How the Lyrics Go

Published on 2013-02-05 22:25:25

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

This Hardware's Gone Limp

Published on 2013-02-04 19:31:44

It's not so common to have an uncomfortable conversation with someone in the IT department. Sure, depending on your company you may have frustrating conversations. Unintelligible conversations, circular conversations, patronizing conversations or al

Eek!Cards #204: Step 1. I Admit You're a Problem

Published on 2013-02-03 22:31:10

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #203: Either Way, You're Missing Some Serious Action

Published on 2013-02-02 22:34:18

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #202: Who's a Good Little Minion?

Published on 2013-02-01 22:28:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Geriatric Greeting Goof-Up

Published on 2013-01-31 22:01:20

It feels good to do things for others. It feels somewhat less good to not be very good at it, but still we try. This is how we learn. Or at least have things to write about. This week, my office sponsored an event to write cards for the elderly. At

Eek!Cards #201: It's a Mystery, Wrapped in an Idiot

Published on 2013-01-30 22:37:21

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Looking for something a little saltier? Or perhaps, potatoeyer? Look, don't make me make up more words. Just check out my latest Zolton nonsense over at ZuG: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Potato Chip Companies. Muncha bunch

Eek!Cards #200: I Feel Petty, Oh So Petty

Published on 2013-01-29 22:37:22

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #199: Living High on the (Ground)Hog

Published on 2013-01-28 18:12:40

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #198: It's the Pink Slip Pre-Tip

Published on 2013-01-26 22:35:39

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #197: One Flu Into the Cuckoo's Chest

Published on 2013-01-25 22:18:22

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #196: Better Luck Next Year

Published on 2013-01-24 22:31:14

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Did I mention my latest Zolton piece over at ZuG? No? Well, let's fix that right now. Check out Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Underwear Companies for more yuks. If you can't keep it in yer tighty whities, then take it over

Spaz on Delivery

Published on 2013-01-23 22:44:37

Now I know how fugitives feel. Skittish. Restless. Constantly looking over their shoulders, as though the next moment could be The One. Or not. Was that a car door? A tap on the window? Or just the wind? I know this feeling, because I'm at home toda

Eek!Cards #195: Bend Over, and Stop Coughing

Published on 2013-01-22 22:44:15

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #194: Somebody Reboot This Romeo

Published on 2013-01-21 22:39:44

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #193: All That Wiggles Is Not Toed

Published on 2013-01-20 22:48:01

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Audiobork'd

Published on 2013-01-19 22:16:05

I can't have nice things. At a certain point you stop saying, "this is why we..." and just accept it. Your life is why. It's not we. It's you. Or the Universe is just giving you a proverbial cosmic swirly for no good reason. Whichever answer is less

Eek!Cards #192: Hey, It Still Beats 'Less Than Four'

Published on 2013-01-18 22:51:09

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #191: Screen Girls

Published on 2013-01-17 22:51:47

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #190: It Does Not Mean What You Ink It Means

Published on 2013-01-16 22:12:08

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) For something (slightly) less scary, hop on over to ZuG for my latest oddball article, Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Cereal Companies. It even stays crunchy in milk!

The Foot Lacker

Published on 2013-01-15 22:39:26

I mentioned a few weeks ago that (at the last humanly-possible minute) I bought some new sneakers. But there's one part of the experience I glossed over. You see, buying sneakers -- somewhere north of thirty -- is different than when I was a kid, or

Eek!Cards #189: I Call It the Golden G-String Rule

Published on 2013-01-14 22:57:19

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #188: You Give New Meaning to the Term 'Automailer'

Published on 2013-01-13 22:51:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #187: Ford a River, Starve a Flu

Published on 2013-01-12 22:51:58

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Rule of Tree

Published on 2013-01-11 22:21:17

On the whole, I'm not a huge fan of the Christmas tree experience. Sure, I dug the tree when I was a kid. My parents had a fake tree -- made of plastic or cardboard or asbestos fibers or something -- and my father would trundle it out every December

Eek!Cards #186: You're Number One in My Heart

Published on 2013-01-10 22:22:03

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #185: Yeah, It's a Virtue

Published on 2013-01-09 22:45:52

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) For more fun (and less mustache bleaching), hop on over to ZuG for my latest bit o' fluff: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Snack Cake Companies. That'll cream yer filling, all right.

Eek!Cards #184: I'm Behind You 80% of the Way

Published on 2013-01-08 22:32:26

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

In Messy Memory

Published on 2013-01-07 22:46:27

You learn a lot of things, living with a dog. The precise limits of your patience, for one. You pick up an encyclopedic knowledge of the relative merits of various floor and carpet cleaning products. And you discover that there is, after all, an orga

Eek!Cards #183: Puck-er Up, Sports Fans

Published on 2013-01-06 16:59:01

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #182: Blessed Be the Premature Clickers

Published on 2013-01-05 22:00:56

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #181: Let's See What He Stuffs in Your Stocking

Published on 2013-01-04 22:51:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Dreaming of a Wiped Christmas

Published on 2013-01-03 22:53:00

The missus and I returned from our annual holiday jaunt a few days ago. Every year, we take a week -- whether we need it or not -- and speed through a seven-day trek through (at least) four towns to visit various immediate, extended and perhaps-not-e

Eek!Cards #179: Does This Make Me the 'Endo'?

Published on 2013-01-01 22:37:39

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #178: Though I May Reconsider in the Morning

Published on 2012-12-31 22:58:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Socking It to Myself

Published on 2012-12-30 22:59:42

The nice thing about getting older is that you sometimes get a win that you didn't expect, or gave up on long ago. The bad thing, of course, is that it's often too late to matter. Consider Christmas, for instance. I remember as a young little guy g

Eek!Cards #177: When Second-Best Won't Do

Published on 2012-12-29 22:04:41

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #176: At Midnight, You People Are Dead to Me

Published on 2012-12-28 22:09:10

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #175: My Bet Is On Saturday Afternoon

Published on 2012-12-27 22:48:07

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Zolton That Keeps On Giving

Published on 2012-12-26 22:41:18

Far be it from me to "phone a post in", just because I'm on my annual holiday jaunt crisscrossing the middle of the country to visit family. Except, come on. It's me. I am totally not above phoning one in from the cockamamie Christmas caravan. So th

Eek!Cards #174: Let's Give It the Old Christmas Try

Published on 2012-12-25 22:02:41

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #173: Making a List, Checking It Twice

Published on 2012-12-24 22:41:25

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #172: Deck the Halls with Dry-Clean Sweaters

Published on 2012-12-23 22:02:11

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Flight of the Bumbled Bags

Published on 2012-12-22 22:13:35

Today the missus and I traveled to see our family for the holidays. The airports were -- surprisingly, at least to me -- reasonably free of surging throngs of grumpy flyers stomping on their grubby Santa hats and demanding vouchers for free beer over

Eek!Cards #171: Mayan I Be Excused for the Day?

Published on 2012-12-21 09:05:11

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Are you in the Christmas spirit -- or already into the "Christmas spirits"? If the latter, then you might enjoy my latest ZuG romp, Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Tequila Companies. It'll feliz up your Navidad, hombre.

Eek!Cards #170: As an Elf, You're an 'F'

Published on 2012-12-20 22:03:00

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #169: Deck the Halls with Jose Cuervo

Published on 2012-12-19 22:35:49

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

He Who Procrastinates Is Limped

Published on 2012-12-18 22:54:25

I wouldn't say that I'm a procrastinator. Well, I wouldn't say it right away, at least. I'd wait a while. Maybe write myself a note about getting around to saying it. Surf the internet for a while, or watch some reruns on TV. And then, just when you

Eek!Cards #168: Could I Still Touch You With a 501-Foot Pole?

Published on 2012-12-17 22:54:14

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #167: Snap Into the Season!

Published on 2012-12-17 06:53:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #166: Jingle Those Bells Down the Block, Sister

Published on 2012-12-15 22:42:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Cash and Curry

Published on 2012-12-14 22:31:15

I'm very close to swearing off Indian food. Not because I don't like Indian food -- or at least the presumably heavily-bastardized, watered-down, fattened-up Americanized Indian food that most Indian restaurants serve. Because I love it. I've been a

Eek!Cards #165: I'll Just Burn It With the Others

Published on 2012-12-13 22:01:07

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #164: Keep Those Receipts, Sparky

Published on 2012-12-12 22:25:00

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Looking for more giggles? Have a gander over at ZuG.com and my latest FB escapade: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Mail Order Catalog Companies. You'll never shop the same way again. (That's right. You're welcome. Merry malli

Eek!Cards #163: I'm Not Putting Presents Under That

Published on 2012-12-11 22:01:51

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Any Given Monday

Published on 2012-12-10 22:03:22

It's cliche, I know, to complain about a Monday morning. Mondays are like opinions -- they all stink, and everybody's got one stuffed somewhere in their underpants. (Wait, no. That's different. Mondays are like birthdays -- except there's no cake or

Eek!Cards #162: The South Just Fell, Again

Published on 2012-12-09 12:39:52

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Hey, hey -- I skipped town for a couple of days and almost forgot! If you're in the mood for more yuks, mosey on over to ZuG for my latest Facebook goodie: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Sportswear Companies. You'll never lo

Eek!Cards #161: Gifty Not-So-Nifty

Published on 2012-12-08 22:15:11

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #160: Quit Ho-Ho-Hogging the Sweets, Kid

Published on 2012-12-07 22:27:26

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Messed, in Texas

Published on 2012-12-06 12:49:02

Sometimes a really good-seeming idea turns out to be just as useless and horrible as all the other ideas you've ever had. Where, if you're me, "sometimes" means "always". Take this week, for instance. I was dispatched yesterday on a rare work-relat

Eek!Cards #159: FYI, Now I'm Thinking About Cheese

Published on 2012-12-05 22:34:27

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #158: Ask Me About My Prostate (in 140 Characters or Less)

Published on 2012-12-04 22:27:36

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #157: Rinse and Spit, and Pay the Check, Please

Published on 2012-12-03 22:58:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Wings That Go Bang in the Night

Published on 2012-12-02 22:32:12

Sometimes, I forget. It's not really worth putting a qualifier on that sentence, or listing out specific things I forget, because I'd never get to them all. The list is too long, too complicated and nobody has that kind of time. Also, I'd forget so

Eek!Cards #156: Oh! Oh! Oh! O, Tannenbaum!

Published on 2012-12-01 22:23:21

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #155: And No One Wants to See Your "Revolutionary" Dance, Boyo

Published on 2012-11-30 22:28:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #154: Just Keep Your Mitts Off the Overhead Projector, Sparky

Published on 2012-11-29 22:12:30

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Have you got hair? Sure, you do. Maybe not "head hair". But something. You're a primate. We're hairy. It's what we do. So drag your hair by the... uh, itself... over to ZuG for my latest FB spoof: Zolton's Facebook Prank

A Farewell to Paws

Published on 2012-11-28 22:02:26

I don't write sad or serious posts here. This is a comedy site, for crissakes. (I may write things that people consider "sad" if I thought were funny. Or things that suggest there's something "seriously" wrong with me. But those are different. "Goo

Eek!Cards #153: Give That Gal a Gatorade!

Published on 2012-11-27 22:13:28

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #152: Some Firecrackers, You Just Can't Light

Published on 2012-11-26 22:38:54

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #151: You Call That Journalism?

Published on 2012-11-25 22:19:56

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Brunching Bad

Published on 2012-11-24 22:59:58

The unrepentant -- and delicious -- gorging on turkey and trimmings around our house this Thanksgiving reminds me of another gathering the missus and I recently attended. Like Thanksgiving at our place, there were just a few people in attendance -- a

Eek!Cards #150: But Does It Pay the Rent?

Published on 2012-11-23 22:19:26

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #149: Don't Hog the Boat, Auntie

Published on 2012-11-22 22:10:43

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #148: Stuffing, Stuffing, Stuffed

Published on 2012-11-21 22:42:52

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) For more Thanksgivingy goodness, check out my ZuG Turkey Day delight: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Thanksgiving Dinner. Gobble gobble, kiddos.

Three Brakes a Lady

Published on 2012-11-20 22:18:16

I mentioned a while back that my wife recently bought a car, the better to travel thirty miles a day to and from her new job. This was a good thing, for many reasons. It gave us transportational flexibility, for one. Two people, two cars -- no lines

Eek!Cards #147: Take the Apple Out of Your Mouth, Carl

Published on 2012-11-19 22:56:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #146: But How Juicy Are Her Drumsticks?

Published on 2012-11-18 22:19:27

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #145: Where the Rubber Hits the... uh, Never Mind

Published on 2012-11-17 22:01:04

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Phone-y Baloney

Published on 2012-11-17 14:11:58

As I threatened earlier this week, I went looking for a phone today. My current carrier, Big Magenta, had a weekend sale, so I figured the time was ripe. A sale is always good, right? What could possibly go wrong? Indeed. The thing about phone carr

Eek!Cards #144: It's Like Watching Clarence Darrow... in Kindergarten

Published on 2012-11-15 22:04:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #143: This Is Reel Love, Baby

Published on 2012-11-14 22:25:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) And while we're at it! If you're in the mood for more yukkity-yuks, why not cruise over to ZuG and check out my latest FB madness: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Proposition 37. It's A-G-M-Ooooo-kay!

Eek!Cards #142: You Put the "Stuff" in Stuffing

Published on 2012-11-13 22:35:19

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Boys Just Want to Have Phone

Published on 2012-11-12 20:22:05

I'm in the market for a phone. My contract ran out a few days ago, and my current device -- once the very pinnacle of modern technology, two short years ago -- now seems like a lag-plagued Playskool steam-powered dinosaur. For a tech guy, that won't

Eek!Cards #141: Nobody Ever Accused You of Driving a 'Smart Car'

Published on 2012-11-11 22:17:22

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #140: This Is My Jacques Cousteau-oh!-oh!-oh! Face

Published on 2012-11-10 22:53:09

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #139: Snap, Crackle and... Ew!

Published on 2012-11-09 22:30:52

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Electical Spectacle

Published on 2012-11-08 22:39:47

(Apologies to anyone who noticed the lack of posts in the latter half of the week; life's been a bit hectic for the past few days. Backfilling to catch up beginning in 3... 2... 1...) So there was a fair kerfuffle earlier this week, what with the el

Eek!Cards #138: It's the Short Bus of Love

Published on 2012-11-07 22:18:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) And for your post-election celebration and/or sorrow drowning, check out my latest sudsy mug over at ZuG: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Breweries. 'At'll put some foam in yer glass, kiddo.

Eek!Cards #137: Hey, You've Already Proven You Have No Taste

Published on 2012-11-06 22:27:43

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #136: You're the James May of Malt Liquor

Published on 2012-11-05 22:01:14

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Hard Lessons, Soft Balls

Published on 2012-11-04 19:45:23

You know what's great? Immediate feedback. You don't always get immediate feedback in life. In fact, I'd say it's pretty rare. You sit in class and take a test, you don't find out how you did right away. The teacher goes off and grades them, or rank

Eek!Cards #135: I Say 'Hillshire', You Say 'Ewwwww!!'

Published on 2012-11-03 23:22:10

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #134: You're Like Abe Vigoda, or Courtney Love

Published on 2012-11-02 23:26:04

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #133: Bully for You, Bro!

Published on 2012-11-01 23:00:15

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Viral Video, Unleashed

Published on 2012-10-31 21:46:09

Heyo, Halloweenies! For a dose of holiday hyuks, check out my latest ZuG bit of foolishness: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Halloween Candy Companies. It's so fun, it's spooky! It's a bit of a tough week, what with watching our (semi-near) neighbors d

Eek!Cards #132: It's a Hard Knox Life, Apparently

Published on 2012-10-31 10:26:43

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #131: Kids Drink the Darnedest Thiiiiiiings

Published on 2012-10-29 23:48:12

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #130: It's a Doppler-Dappled Downpour!

Published on 2012-10-28 23:15:54

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

A Storm, Out of Norm

Published on 2012-10-27 21:46:03

I'm beginning, just a teensy bit, to rethink the decision to settle in Boston. (Not really. But just for the sake of argument, let's run with this. I've got nothing else to work with tonight.) Here's the thing -- everywhere in the world has potential disasters to deal with. You live in southeast Asia, you get typhoons. You live in Hawaii or Iceland or in the shadow of Mount Etna, you get hot volcanic lava in your lap occasionally. You live on either edge of the Pacific, you're always looking o [..]

Eek!Cards #129: How About 'Lust After Jagerbombs'?

Published on 2012-10-26 23:57:10

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #128: But I'm Rising in the Polls!

Published on 2012-10-25 23:04:45

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #127: Nobody's Riding Your Broomstick Tonight

Published on 2012-10-24 23:40:28

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) What do the states have that the Federal government doesn't? Orange juice, for one thing. And much better cheese. For more "state-ly" information -- you totally see what I did there, yes? -- hop on over to ZuG for my latest FB zaniness: Zolton's Facebook Franks on State Pride. It's (O-)hi(-o)-larious*! * Ohio not actually represented in the article. Your hilarity may vary. I do like cheese.

When You Car Enough...

Published on 2012-10-23 23:12:33

I'm walking a very fine and very uncomfortable line here. A few weeks ago, bought a Prius for her new commute. This was, it turns out, the root of the problem. The Prius, you see, is quite a well-equipped little number. You'd think a high-tailed humming eco-box would have all the amenities of an organic veggie salad. But you'd be mistaken. Instead, this thing is all kinds of tricked out, doodad-wise. There's a heads-up display. Built-in GPS. XM radio, free for a few weeks, at least. It'll Blu [..]

Eek!Cards #126: You're No Dope, I Hope

Published on 2012-10-22 23:41:40

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #125: You're Praying Up the Wrong Tree, Sister

Published on 2012-10-21 23:16:54

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #124: The Future's So Blight

Published on 2012-10-21 22:50:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

That's the Way the Hooky Crumbles

Published on 2012-10-20 21:46:54

Sometimes, even doing the right thing -- well, a right thing, anyway -- can make you feel guilty. Yesterday, I took the dog to the local animal hospital. Partly, it was for a checkup on her pacemaker -- yes, the pooch has a pacemaker, if you care to catch up. But also, she's been out of sorts lately. Assuming there's such a thing as "in sorts" for this dog any more. She's had everything from cancer to skin tags, cardio distress to sour tummy. And often several at the same time. I'm starting to [..]

Eek!Cards #123: Wait, Aren't They All?

Published on 2012-10-19 23:37:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #122: Or Should That Be "M" for "My Butt, Monkeys Fly Out, When"?

Published on 2012-10-18 23:06:01

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #121: But Apparently Not the Ears

Published on 2012-10-17 23:42:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) If you're hankering for more yuks today, head over to ZuG to see my latest Facebook tomfoolery: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Sausage Companies. That'll jack yer Johnsonville!

Third Turd's a Charm

Published on 2012-10-16 19:56:37

The very best part of my day today was this morning, when a lady in a lumbering Subaru made a rolling "stop" at the intersection I was pulling into, cutting me off, squelching my right-of-way, and nearly taking my front fender up her station wagon's pooper. I was not happy. I called her names. Loudly. And I was stuck behind the bitch, with no way around. And that was the best part of my day. Not because the rest of the day was terrible. It wasn't. It was actually quite pleasant -- and all beca [..]

Eek!Cards #120: Dear Bitchy McBitcherson...

Published on 2012-10-15 23:39:34

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #118: Man's Best Fiend

Published on 2012-10-13 23:14:15

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Three 'Fores!' and a Cloud of Dust

Published on 2012-10-12 23:04:38

In this country, and at this time of year, NFL football is just about the biggest thing going. As a sport, it's wildly popular; as a business, it makes billions upon billions of dollars annually. Millions of people glue their eyes to the television and their asses to the couch every Sunday -- and Monday, and lately on Thursday -- to watch the biggest of all Big Sports Deals. (In America. I'm led to understand that Euro-style football and cricket and rugby and rounders and fox hunting and short- [..]

Eek!Cards #117: Especially If You're a 'Third Baseman'

Published on 2012-10-11 23:52:52

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #116: We Call You 'Jane EyreallyneedaMidol'

Published on 2012-10-10 23:58:12

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Hey, clean freaks and funny fans -- you might like my latest piece over at ZuG: Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Cleaning Supplies. Go check it out. Just be sure to scrub down and sanitize afterward. Same as usual.

Eek!Cards #115: And No, You Cannot "Show Me the Money"

Published on 2012-10-09 23:41:35

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

No Sleep Till Brookline

Published on 2012-10-08 23:52:45

Every once in a very, very, very long while, the feebleness that comes with advancing age works to my advantage. (Did I say 'very'? Oh, good; I couldn't remember. Like they say, the memory is always the first thing to... uh, something-or-other. At any rate -- VERY.) Today, magically enough, was one of those times. I've never been a morning person -- and that is so not one of the things I'm gaining with age. Ear hair, yes. Slightly longer belts, check. The ability to leap out of bed at six in [..]

Eek!Cards #114: The Juice Is (Nearly) Loose!

Published on 2012-10-07 23:10:45

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #113: 'Not It!'

Published on 2012-10-06 23:28:39

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #112: If That Thing Says 'Cheese', Kill It With Fire

Published on 2012-10-05 22:57:25

(In)Security Measures

Published on 2012-10-04 23:04:32

From the "It's Always Something" Department: The missus and I live in a condo near Boston. When we moved in, we found the previous owners had a security system installed -- a real professional job, by one of those companies that shows commercials of scary home break-ins during football games. (Just to be clear, the break-ins don't appear to happen during football games. Those appear to only happen when a woman at home alone is vulnerably drying her hair, or when a single mother is busy getting [..]

Eek!Cards #111: Papping Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Published on 2012-10-03 23:10:25

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Hey, Facebook fans (and breakfast buffs) -- my latest ZuG piece is up and at 'em. Check out Zolton's Facebook Pranks on Breakfast Companies. (I called it "Breakfast Nyuks", personally, but that apparently doesn't tick the right title keyword boxes. Imagine that.) Go have a gander. It's the right article to read -- and a tasty way to read it.

Eek!Cards #110: You're 'Appreciably' Something, All Right

Published on 2012-10-02 23:41:32

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #109: Okay, It's a Little Bit You

Published on 2012-10-01 23:25:18

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Right Said Ed

Published on 2012-09-30 23:30:15

Sundays are not for writing, especially. Sundays are not against writing, of course. I imagine that slice of the calendar is fairly agnostic about whether writing occurs on top of it. (Oh, people adhering to various religions or other might care, but the calendar? I doubt it.) None of this is the point. The point is, Sundays are not especially for writing. Because Sundays are for football. Some Sundays, anyway. Like this one. I spent a very large part of the afternoon and evening glued to th [..]

Eek!Cards #108: Here I Sit, All Toasty-Bottomed

Published on 2012-09-29 23:29:55

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #107: Hey, Grrrrrringo!

Published on 2012-09-28 23:32:27

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Lost and Brown'd

Published on 2012-09-27 23:43:11

I've never been incarcerated -- the occasional junior high school detention session notwithstanding. I've never been imprisoned, sequestered, detained or locked in. (It's sort of surprising, I know. You'd think someone would have thought to try it by now.) But today I found out what it's like to be under house arrest. Shackled to my home, unable to leave. A prisoner. Today, I waited for UPS to deliver a package. We complain about other service people who come to our homes -- cable guys, plum [..]

Eek!Cards #106: I Feel Bad for Me, Son

Published on 2012-09-26 23:04:23

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) For the Facebook phans out there, have a gander at my latest Zolton adventure over at < href="http://www.zug.com">ZuG.com -- Zolton's Facebook Follies: Quick Fixes. It's held together with bubble gum and duct tape. Literally.

Eek!Cards #105: Whatever It Is You've Got, They're Not Running Out of It

Published on 2012-09-25 21:44:08

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #104: Ho-Ho-How About That!

Published on 2012-09-24 23:22:01

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

To Pee, or Not to Pee?

Published on 2012-09-23 21:34:23

My dog has ascended to a whole new level of making messes in the house. You might say she's gone above and beyond the call of doodie. (I wouldn't say that, of course. But you might. Its okay. I won't judge.) To be fair, she's an old pooch and has had her share of health problems -- many of which cause uncontrollable voiding of various internal organs every six minutes, apparently. We all suffered through that. Me, my wife, and the dog. But mostly the carpets. "Getting the dog outside to pee i [..]

Eek!Cards #103: Actually, I Said I Could Tweet a Secret

Published on 2012-09-22 23:33:09

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #102: Alternative Alternative Medicine

Published on 2012-09-21 23:50:40

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #101: Terror by the Dashboard Light

Published on 2012-09-20 23:25:31

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Also! My latest FB romp is up over at ZuG.com. If you're feeling a bit sickly -- or just want to stretch your pirate-drawling day a bit further -- check out Zolton's Facebook Follies: Aches and Pirates. Yo ho ho, hos.

Eek!-ing Out a Living

Published on 2012-09-19 23:58:15

I'm not exactly sure how to feel here. My series of 'Eek!Cards' -- designed as quick-hit filler on days I don't write a whole post -- just hit its 100th edition. Only... did it? I may not be the wiggliest dildo on the nightstand, proverbially, when it comes to math, but I'm fairly certain I can count to one hundred. And also pretty sure I did, painstakingly and sequentially pumping out snarky cards one by one by one. But wait. When I checked my archives just now, I found the number to be off [..]

Eek!Cards #100: One Turkey Is All You Need

Published on 2012-09-18 21:29:34

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #99: Beer's to a Good Education!

Published on 2012-09-17 23:22:43

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Kids Are All Night

Published on 2012-09-16 23:57:12

Perspective is a funny thing. All we know -- all we can know, really -- is what we experience. It may not be a true representation of reality, but it's all we've got. We're stuck inside our own eyes and ears and grubby little fingers. Take this weekend, for example. My parents were visiting, and staying in our condo. They come up once a year, Septemberish, for a long weekend -- and most of what they know about our lives comes from those three days or so. Oh sure, we tell them about work and ne [..]

Eek!Cards #98: If It Comes Back to You, You May Have Developed a Gravitational Pull

Published on 2012-09-15 23:59:19

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #97: Please Tell Me There Were Test Tubes Involved

Published on 2012-09-14 21:14:14

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #96: Sometimes I Call You 'Asbestos'

Published on 2012-09-13 23:03:27

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Parking Up the Wrong Tree

Published on 2012-09-12 23:56:10

I mentioned a while back that my wife needed a car for her new work commute, so we're now rocking two vehicles. This is all well and good. The only glitch is, we're not rocking two parking spaces. Not yet, at least. In October, we get another spot and we'll be again balanced with the number of automobiles and automobile-sized repositories. Until then, not so much. So I've ceded the existing spot to the missus, for the time being. Meaning I have to find a place to stash my car for a while. In [..]

Eek!Cards #95: Step Aside, Grandpa

Published on 2012-09-11 23:52:57

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #94: Your Sickness, Yourself

Published on 2012-09-10 23:59:12

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #93: It Puts the 'Meow' in Your Mu Shu

Published on 2012-09-09 22:06:13

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Yo, local comedy fans. If you're looking for a night of yuks around town, check out my new sidebar link to a list of Boston-area comedy clubs, courtesy of FindTheBest.com. Here's a preview, featuring my personal fave for local standup, the Comedy Studio in Harvard Square. Get yer laffs on, funny people. Boston Comedy Sneak Peek

What Goes Up Comes Down Twice

Published on 2012-09-08 23:06:34

Every once in a while, I dust off an old memory and write about it. More often than not, I've already written about it here somewhere. (That's really just a 'law of averages' sort of thing. I've made right around two thousand posts on this site. And at any given time, I can remember approximately three things. If I have a new cell phone number, two. If the office just made me reset my password, one. And if I just watched Jeopardy, all bets are off. Not that I watch a lot of Jeopardy. Frankly, [..]

Eek!Cards #91: I Call This Move the 'Headstone Hustle'

Published on 2012-09-06 23:54:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Goal with the Flow

Published on 2012-09-05 15:32:14

It's amazing how quickly our goals can change. Or be changed for us, in the blink of an eye. Just for instance -- the missus and I are taking a few days off this week for a long weekend getaway. As I mentioned recently, she's starting a new job soon -- as in, on Monday -- so she wanted to take advantage of her brief freedom to sneak in a mini-vacation. And me? Well, I'm along for the ride, of course. So I set a few goals for myself -- get some rest. Leave the office behind. See the sights of N [..]

Eek!Cards #90: Now Let's Talk About Your Piehole

Published on 2012-09-04 23:12:05

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) It's that time of year again, and Zolton (that's me!) is standing by your bus with a bag lunch and an encouraging note under your PB&J. In other words, get down and studious with Zolton's Facebook Follies: Too Uncool for School. And yes -- this will be on the test. Eyes on your own paper!

Eek!Cards #89: And Stop Setting Your Face As Everyone's Desktop

Published on 2012-09-03 22:41:10

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #88: At Least You Found Your Calling

Published on 2012-09-02 23:55:00

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Nearly Nickeled, Undoubtedly Dimed

Published on 2012-09-01 23:53:31

The missus decided recently to change jobs. On the whole, this is a good thing. She'll have more interesting work, likely shorter hours, and the positive effect on her sanity -- and, by extension, mine -- is expected to be tremendous. The only checkmark against this new position is the location. Since I changed jobs myself in January, we've been working practically shoulder-to-shoulder. (Of course, that would never work. She's six inches shorter than I am. At best, we'd work shoulder to eyebro [..]

Eek!Cards #87: It's the Dog Days, In Your Dungarees

Published on 2012-08-31 23:28:00

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #86: Can You Hooter Me Now?

Published on 2012-08-30 23:53:08

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #85: Send a Feline, Save a Fern

Published on 2012-08-29 23:07:27

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) It's 'Greek Week' over at ZuG.com. I've gotten into the act with my latest FB romp: Zolton's Facebook Follies: Mostly Greek to Me. It's as easy as alpha, beta, and whatever the hell the 'C' is supposed to be. Check it.

Bloemen Voor Algernon

Published on 2012-08-28 19:31:51

The beautiful thing about the Internet is that it can actually make you feel smarter. We have instant access to information, references, news, trends and data of every conceivable kind. It's exhilarating. The awful thing about the internet is that these effects are usually temporary. As quickly as we learn something -- or appear to have known it all along, perhaps -- it's gone again. Take away the internet, and we're as drool-dripping dumb as we were before our search turned up gold. Exactly t [..]

Eek!Cards #84: Canoe Shut Yer Piehole, Please?

Published on 2012-08-27 23:59:34

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #83: Unless You Have a Friend Who's Six Shots of Jagermeister

Published on 2012-08-26 23:22:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #82: You Wear It Wacko

Published on 2012-08-25 22:24:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Yo baseball buffs -- feel free to check out my blockbuster trade-to-be look (at what's now a trade-that-is) over at Bugs & Cranks: One Quarter of One BILLION Dollars. The Red Sox just cleared a budget hole the size of the Venezuelan GNP. So what's next?

Dances with Dogwalkers

Published on 2012-08-24 21:45:49

I have a dog. The dog has needs. If you were to ask the dog, those needs would include a peanut butter IV and a private swimming pool filled with Snausages. The dog is an idiot. Meanwhile, she needs food and fresh water, a little exercise, an inordinate amount of medical care as it turns out, and a warm cozy place to sleep at night. Also, for most of the afternoon. And ninety percent of the rest of the day. If she didn't roll over after her oh-so-frequent farts, I might think the old girl was [..]

Eek!Cards #81: 1-900-YOU-SUCK

Published on 2012-08-23 23:55:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #80: Who the Hell Told You to Major in 'Print Journalism', Anyway?

Published on 2012-08-22 21:53:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Hey, ya big softy. You can also check out my latest FB romp over at ZuG: Zolton's Facebook Follies: The Soft Knock Life. That'll tenderize ya right up.

Eek!Cards #79: I Call It 'Emothenasia'

Published on 2012-08-21 22:51:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Most Valuable Employee

Published on 2012-08-20 23:18:22

Cheerio, hombres. As promised and/or threatened yesterday, here's a script for a sketch about a man after my own heart -- useless in the office, and yet indispensable to the company. All thanks to a huge aluminum shaft and a fondness for leather. Uh... that may have come out wrong. Probably, you should just read it. And try not to think of that "huge shaft" business. (Of course, if this ever gets made as a SketchBalls bit, there's a good chance it'll include one. So there's that to look forwar [..]

Great Balls of Sketch!

Published on 2012-08-19 23:49:23

Soon in this space (I'm shooting for tomorrow) you'll find a script for a sketch idea I had a while back. Now, if you've been following along for the past few months, you may rightly ask yourself: A sketch script? I thought we were done with those, surely. I made it through the classes. I survived the Ruckus last year, the RISD course and even Deli Juices, for crissakes. What the hell is this nonsense for, now? You may rightly ask yourself that. You may also be a bit of a snarky asshole, but [..]

Eek!Cards #78: Living La Aqua Velva

Published on 2012-08-18 23:42:53

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #77: It's Sort of the Opposite of Tumescited

Published on 2012-08-17 22:56:06

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #76: My Memory's Been (Baby)Wiped!

Published on 2012-08-16 22:20:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Shitbox, Reshaped

Published on 2012-08-15 23:01:52

(Numero uno tonight: My latest ZuG zaniness is over at Zolton's Facebook Follies: The Million Fan Farce. Check it.) Every once in a while, I rehash an old post. I never just reach back and flop it on the table, of course. Instead, I recraft a topic. I take another angle, explore a hidden wrinkle, or tack on a new perspective. Why? Oh, futility, mostly. It's usually to turn an old piece into some sort of submission for a contest or book or something. Does it ever work? Sometimes. Does it ever [..]

Eek!Cards #75: Aw, Shoot!

Published on 2012-08-14 21:32:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Yesterday was a sad one for Red Sox fans. If you know why -- other than the current A.L. East standings, of course -- then you might be interested in my Pesky tribute over at Bugs & Cranks: Farewell, Johnny Sox. Have at it.

Eek!Cards #74: We Won't Be Backstabbing, Backbiting or Backsassing You, Either

Published on 2012-08-13 23:57:34

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Mars'd for Life

Published on 2012-08-12 23:59:38

I'm a science nerd. I'm pretty unabashed about that -- because even if I were abashed, there's not a hell of a lot I can do about it. I'm a computer programmer by day. My bookshelves are filled with science fiction and science fact books -- everything from quantum physics to evolution to cosmology to neurology. (I never said I understood any of it. But I've read some. Especially the books with the pop-up pictures. Them kind sure are purdy.) Also, I was a biology major back in school. And chemi [..]

Eek!Cards #73: She's My Herradura Honey Bunny

Published on 2012-08-11 22:32:03

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #72: Oh, You're "Bullish", All Right

Published on 2012-08-10 23:55:48

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #71: Wait a Second... That's Not a Finger

Published on 2012-08-09 23:59:35

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Fiction, Flashed

Published on 2012-08-08 23:58:01

(Two updates before the nonsense today: First off, my wife scored Green Monster seats for us this week. That's baseball. And thus, a piece over at Bugs & Cranks: A Cook-y Monster. And then! It's time for the latest ZuG romp, Zolton's Facebook Follies: The Crass Menagerie. It's a whole zooful of fun.) Now, since I've clearly been busy writing this week, I'll keep it short here. I've hooked up with a fledgling sketch comedy group -- yes, another one, shaddup -- and we're in the process of writi [..]

Eek!Cards #70: She's Bear-ly Worth a Mention

Published on 2012-08-07 23:58:22

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #69: Careful She Doesn't Slice Your Three-Wood

Published on 2012-08-06 18:13:50

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #68: Perhaps, But They Sleep With One Eye Open

Published on 2012-08-05 21:07:33

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Tune In, Psych Out, Diaper Up

Published on 2012-08-04 23:15:00

A few days ago, I described my saga of replacing my TiVo box. It was a bit of an ordeal. I just wanted you to know -- everything's fine now. I'm okay. At least, I was okay. Once the box worked properly, I took some time to register my thumbs ups, my very disapproving thumbs downs, and scheduled recordings of the many dozens of animated Romanian lumberjack dramas that I can't get enough of. "I nearly suffered a thumb sprain keying in the Transylvania Wood marathon." It was quite an undertakin [..]

Eek!Cards #67: Everyone Has a Soulmate; Maybe Yours Is In Pyongyang

Published on 2012-08-03 22:29:44

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #66: Meh, It Beats Weight Watchers

Published on 2012-08-02 21:37:44

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Out With the Ti, In With the Vo

Published on 2012-08-01 14:28:24

Recently, I found out I would be losing a dear friend.My wife got the phone call, jotted down notes and details, and gently broke the news to me. She made sure I was sitting down, talked me through the initial panic, then the anger, and then the grief. Finally, I accepted it -- there was nothing I could do. The situation was out of my hands. Our TiVo was going away. Comcast phoned to tell us that as of today, August 1st, they would no longer be supporting the TiVo model we've sported under our [..]

Eek!Cards #65: On the Bright Side, There's Nougat

Published on 2012-07-31 23:59:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) In the Olympic mood? Then give my latest bit of ZuG.com nonsense: Zolton's Facebook Follies: Trolling for Gold. We're all winners here.

Eek!Cards #64: Isn't She Pretty in Pampers?

Published on 2012-07-30 23:56:54

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #63: Maybe She's Just GLaDOS to See You

Published on 2012-07-29 20:54:20

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Loveliness on an Escalator

Published on 2012-07-28 23:58:32

It's good to be reminded, occasionally, that I'm actually a pretty low-key person. Oh, sure -- I can work up a good lathery rant, or get bent out of shape every once in a while. But compared to a lot of people, I keep my blood pressure somewhere south of simmering a fairly good deal of the time. I forget that sometimes, so it's good to be reminded. Like yesterday morning, for instance. My office gives us employees parking passes for a nearby garage tucked under a shopping mall. I usually get t [..]

Eek!Cards #62: If You Can't Keep It In Your Stables...

Published on 2012-07-27 23:24:31

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #61: Did You Slay Something, Dear?

Published on 2012-07-26 21:10:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Somebody's Got 'Kabuls' of Steel

Published on 2012-07-25 17:25:04

PROGRAM NOTE: For you Facebook fans, my latest Zolton piece is up over at ZuG.com -- Zolton's Facebook Follies: Confuse as Directed. Have a gander! It's been a long while since I posted anything about the search terms that bring eyeballs here to the site. I used to be fairly well fascinated by the weird and wacky things people would search for, and find me with. Now I guess I've seen most of them -- and some many times over. A few searches have remained (or become) popular gateways over the p [..]

Eek!Cards #60: And You Wonder Why People Enter Politics

Published on 2012-07-24 00:55:51

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Hey there! It seems I've caught the baseball bug this summer. I've gone and put another piece up over at Bugs & Cranks. Have a gander at the splendor of Ifs, Ands and Bunts. You know you love your bunt cake!

The Family Jerk-le

Published on 2012-07-23 17:38:03

I am a master of ruining "family moments". I've gotten so good, in fact, that I'm no longer limited to disrupting my own family gatherings. Now I'm fully capable of disappointing and disgusting people who aren't actually related to me. It's quite an achievement. I'm sure my mother would be proud -- if she were speaking to me, of course. Apparently, the wounds from "The 2012 Independence Day Picnic Debacle" are still too fresh. (How was I to know you shouldn't use sparklers as barbecue skewers? [..]

Eek!Cards #59: There Once Were Blinds, But Now I See!

Published on 2012-07-22 22:38:16

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #58: Click, Click, BOOM!

Published on 2012-07-21 18:13:42

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Nothing Plus Nothing Equals... Complicated

Published on 2012-07-20 23:09:17

There are certain social situations that I avoid whenever possible. Like, most of them, actually. It's not that I don't like people, or enjoy their company. I do. But I also like things simple. And interpersonal interactions are anything but. People are complicated. We don't say quite what we mean, we don't hear what other people do say, and no one understands anything exactly the same way. What are we really saying? Who gets tipped, and how much? When are we supposed to shake hands, hug, or do [..]

Eek!Cards #57: I May Belated, But You Still Suck

Published on 2012-07-19 22:37:42

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #56: You Put the NO! in Casanova

Published on 2012-07-18 10:53:11

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Looking for more Hump Day yuks? My latest FB tomfoolery is up over at ZuG: Zolton's Facebook Follies: Breakfast in a Bottle. Chug it down, home slice!

Puppin' Pills

Published on 2012-07-17 15:34:34

The missus and I picked up our dilapidated doggy from the animal hospital last night. She's definitely perkier and more mobile than the bitch-skin rug she was resembling last week. My wife jokingly called it a "spa weekend" for the dog. I laughed, until I looked at the treatment list. The mutt had IVs poked in her, pills stuffed down her, thermometers stuffed up her, blood drawn, urine sampled, cultures swabbed and her caboose regions digitally examined. (They didn't specify whether that meant [..]

Eek!Cards #55: Or For That Matter, His Arms

Published on 2012-07-16 22:14:47

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #54: You're Ready for the Facebook!

Published on 2012-07-15 00:59:55

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #53: When You're Sick, All I See Is 'Matlock'

Published on 2012-07-14 09:22:19

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Mutt of a Thousand Maladies

Published on 2012-07-13 12:32:36

Susie, looking regal between bouts of the plague. My little dog Susie (pictured at right) is in the hospital. Sadly enough, this is not especially news. The dog has made a veritable career of being sick and diseased. She's contracted -- and beaten -- lymphoma, which involved eight months of chemo and sucking out her spleen. Possibly through a straw. They didn't let me watch. Or take it home and bronze it. Meanies. Then her heart went wonky, and she got a pacemaker. In between, she's been on [..]

Eek!Cards #52: I'm Just Interpreting Scripture, Baby

Published on 2012-07-12 17:22:40

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Of TiVos New, and TiVos Old

Published on 2012-07-11 23:48:11

(Yo, Facepagers and comedy fans: my latest FB romp is up over at ZuG -- Zolton's Facebook Follies: Faaaaarm Livin'!. It'll put hair on yer back forty!) I got a bit of terrible news today. My wife told me Comcast had called up and told us that our DVR is going to explode on August 1st. Only maybe they didn't say "explode". It could have been "stop working", come to think of it. But that's almost as bad. In my panic, I may have muddled a few of the details, but the gist is there. Come August, no [..]

Eek!Cards #51: And I'm All Out of Onion Dip

Published on 2012-07-10 23:57:36

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #50: Always Leave Room to Negotiate

Published on 2012-07-09 18:13:24

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #49: Hello, My Old Friend / New Liver

Published on 2012-07-08 12:51:06

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Thats-a Cranky Meat-a Ball!

Published on 2012-07-07 13:46:44

Something nice happened to me this week. Something very nice. And somewhat confusing. And a little Italian. I should explain, lest you think Joe Pesci showed up on my doorstep with flowers or something. A couple of days ago, I got an email from my buddy Brad. He's a long-time writer over at baseball site Bugs & Cranks -- not to mention a funny character and a real standup guy. Also, he's pretty tall. So no Joe Pesci, he. You may recall that I wrote regularly myself over at B&C for a few years [..]

Eek!Cards #48: It Could Always Be Worse, Dummy

Published on 2012-07-06 13:01:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Everything Bad Is Kind Of Still Bad, Again

Published on 2012-07-05 15:24:52

I've reached the age where it's harder to keep up with the trendy lingo. I like to be familiar with what the kids are saying on the street -- but as that would involve being on the street and interacting with kids, it doesn't actually happen so much. There's only so far I'm willing to go in the name of an up-to-date slang vocabulary. On the other hand, I don't want to fall behind the times. (Do people still say that? "Fall behind the times"? That's old people talk, isn't it? Curses.) For a l [..]

Eek!Cards #47: I Hear the Bottom of Lake Erie Is Nice This Time of Year, Too

Published on 2012-07-04 17:11:32

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #46: Hey, At Least You're Bendy

Published on 2012-07-03 17:56:18

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Ready for July 4th, my fullow 'Murricans? Well, get yer celebratory freak lubed up with my latest ZuG.com FB romp: Zolton's Facebook Follies: Fireworks for the Fourth. It's more fun than a sparkler up the tuckus!

A Fool and His Facebook

Published on 2012-07-02 23:59:07

I just don't understand the world. Don't get me wrong -- I'm not looking for another world to try. The commute would be a pain in the ass, for starters. And I probably wouldn't understand that one, either. But this one? Bewildering. Mostly, it's the people that confuse me. Other stuff, I mostly get. Trees, for instance. I've never been flummoxed by a tree. Rocks are pretty straightforward. Sidewalks, underpants, ballpoint pens -- I've got a fairly solid handle on these things. It really is ju [..]

Eek!Cards #45: Also, We Should Talk About the Shotput

Published on 2012-07-01 21:57:33

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #44: Wild and Crazy Guy You Are, Yes?

Published on 2012-06-30 09:16:19

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Future Is 'Yow!'

Published on 2012-06-29 15:14:10

Sometimes people scare me. Like, a LOT. Sadly, it's not when people are actually trying to scare me that it happens. You can make the spooky flashlight face and wiggly finger hands all you want, telling me there's a monster in the closet or the sky is falling or the calls are coming from INSIDE YOUR PANTS! Whatever. Maybe the monster will do the fricking laundry, the sky will smush the rising oceans, and I butt-dial people all the time. You're no Lon Chaney, there, sparky. Instead, it's when [..]

Eek!Cards #43: You Never Listen, Dear

Published on 2012-06-28 22:16:46

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) (Hungry for more yuks? Check out my latest piece over at ZuG.com: Zolton's Facebook Follies: Yer Doin' It Wrong. It's oh so rightly wrongly right!)

Eek!Cards #42: I Wouldn't Putter Past You

Published on 2012-06-27 00:16:04

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #41: I'd Also Settle for Three Stuffed Olives

Published on 2012-06-26 20:56:57

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Toilet (Re)Training

Published on 2012-06-25 10:28:12

Getting a new toilet is a surreal experience. The missus and I have been fighting the plunger doohickey on our toilet for months. It was an old model; the flusher was this knob on top that you yanked up and dropped, like you were playing an old pinball game horizontally. Not only was it flaky and unreliable, but I really didn't want to see what happened if we ever hit 'multiball' mode. So we finally bit the bidet and had it replaced. The new commode is modern, sleek, low-flow, high-efficiency, [..]

Eek!Cards #40: Here Comes the Bribe!

Published on 2012-06-24 13:30:02

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #39: One Shwing! To Rule Them All

Published on 2012-06-23 08:09:59

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #38: Til Epidural Do Us Part

Published on 2012-06-22 07:29:43

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

A Very 'Chilly' Reception

Published on 2012-06-21 11:18:43

Well, so much for the new Chinese restaurant in town. It's been open a week, and now I can never order from them again. I think that might be some kind of record. (Wait, nope. Peed in a Little Caesar's dumpster three hours into its grand opening. To be fair, that's a little different. I was working there at the time.) Anyway, this Chinese joint and I didn't see eggroll-to-eggroll from the very beginning. I made my first order online last Friday night -- deftly managing once again to have thin [..]

Eek!Cards #37: Picasso, Schmicasso

Published on 2012-06-20 09:25:57

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) If you're hungry for more silliness today -- and who wouldn't loosen their belt for a little of that, eh? -- then head over to ZuG for my latest flit through facebook: Zolton's Facebook Follies: If You're Lying, I'm Buying. It's pretty as a picture!

Eek!Cards #36: A Geek Can Dream

Published on 2012-06-19 10:47:05

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Oh-So-Special Delivery

Published on 2012-06-18 23:06:30

My wife and I have recently hit a new social low. Or high, depending on how you think of it. But probably low. Very, very probably low. A couple of weeks ago, we discovered a website -- one with some company or other behind it, presumably -- that ships dog food. We have a dog, and she eats food -- so we need dog food. But we've never bought it online. In the past, when the mutt's run out of kibble, we've schlepped out to some pet store like a couple of schnooks to buy it. It takes time, it ta [..]

Eek!Cards #35: I Would've Preferred Woogie

Published on 2012-06-17 16:55:36

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #34: Do NOT Tickle Me, Elmo

Published on 2012-06-16 18:07:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) And speaking of Rule #34, you still have time -- butjustalittlesohurrytheshituplazyass -- to catch the debut of our sketch comedy team Deli Juices! The show is Sketch Cagematch at ImprovBoston, and the hilarity rolls at 9:30pm. Make it happ'n, cap'n!

Eek!Cards #33: Either Way, I Need a 'Tums'

Published on 2012-06-15 19:11:12

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Final (maybe) Reminder: Our sketch team Deli Juices will take the stage for Sketch Cagematch at ImprovBoston tomorrow night! Come see, chickadee!

Eek!Cards #32: Did You Check the Lost and Found?

Published on 2012-06-14 08:27:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Who's the A-Hole, A-Hole?

Published on 2012-06-13 21:39:26

Tonight marked the grand debut of the sketch comedy team Deli Juices. I may have mentioned -- over and over and over -- that some chums and I will be descending on ImprovBoston this Saturday night at 9:30pm for Sketch Cagematch (-ATCH!!! -ATCH!! -ATCH!). Our troupe is called Deli Juices (don't ask), and features Duke Kris Earle and Sir Winston Kidd, as well as yours truly. And tonight, as a warmup for our Satur-stravaganza, we debuted our material during Time Travel, Kris' weekly radio romp on [..]

Eek!Cards #31: The Smart Money's on Pooch Pooties

Published on 2012-06-12 23:13:58

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Once again, an Eek!Card that's more than just a squirmy 'hello!' -- it's also an invitation to peep my latest Zolton piece over at ZuG.com: Zolton's Facebook Follies: Girls, Girls, Girls!! The fun's over there tonight, kiddos. Drink it up!

Eek!Cards #30: Shall I Help You Count the Ways?

Published on 2012-06-11 19:51:24

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) You think it's just an Eek!Card tonight. But no. It's three things more. First: If you'd like to read more of my silliness, the fine folks over at Life's Suggestion Box have posted a bit of dietary advice I offered to one of their readers. Yes, I said "dietary advice" No, you shut up. And stop laughing, dammit. Second: If you'd prefer to listen to my nonsense, tune into my good friend Kris Earle's radio extravaganza Time Travel on WMFO this Wednesday from 5-7pm. [..]

Eek!Cards #29: You Don't Want Wrinkly Rat's Ass, Now, Do You?

Published on 2012-06-10 13:42:44

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

See My Eight-Month-Old Santorum

Published on 2012-06-09 14:31:13

I could fairly be accused of "oversharing" around these parts sometimes. But I assure you -- no matter how it seems -- I don't share absolutely everything. Not right away, at least. And I can prove it. By sharing. A few months ago, I wrote a post describing my weekend. A weekend much like this one, filled with mixups and awkward conversations and unwanted deodorant. As usual. If you skip to the "Saturday" section of that post, you'll see that I described my embarrassment at being the only per [..]

Eek!Cards #28: It's Possible She Said 'Volkswagens'

Published on 2012-06-08 21:02:43

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #27: I Was Just About to Say the Same, Dear

Published on 2012-06-07 08:31:39

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

There Are No Dumpling Questions, Dear

Published on 2012-06-06 23:19:45

Some questions are virtually self-evident, with the answer scarcely requiring an explanation. Other questions... not so much. When my wife came home from work tonight, she found me sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor with the rotating tray from the microwave on my lap, poking with a toothpick at bits of food embedded in a mound of molten blue plastic. In response, she had several questions. Starting with: 'What in god's name are you doing this time?' (Kids, you know you're leading a fu [..]

Eek!Cards #26: Although It Would Make a VERY Motivational Poster

Published on 2012-06-05 23:46:55

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Yo, readers! The real wordy action tonight is over at ZuG.com, where my latest Zolton-Who-Used-to-Do-Amazon-But-Now-Does-Facebook-Instead joint is up and about: Zolton's Facebook Follies: Secrets and Lyes. Check it!

Eek!Cards #25: We Have Arrrrr!-reconcilable Differences

Published on 2012-06-04 12:11:42

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

The Guide That Keeps On Gifting

Published on 2012-06-03 22:46:03

My wife and I had our wedding anniversary this weekend. I won't give away exactly how long we've been married -- let's just say that if our wedding cake were a baby, it would have a learner's permit, a smart mouth and a stupid haircut by now. (Also, we probably wouldn't have eaten it. That sort of thing is frowned upon, from what I understand. At least, it was before the Duggars. I'm guessing people are more fifty-fifty about the idea now. Maybe that's just me.) For the first few years of mar [..]

Eek!Cards #24: First of All, These Are Opium Poppies

Published on 2012-06-02 21:40:12

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Quick note for the uber-geeky among you: If you were hoping to be one of the first to hear Jonathan Coulton's new John Scalzi novel tie-in song Redshirt live during his summer tour, but you weren't at his opening show in Boston last night, then... uh, sorry: But hey -- you can still hear it second. That's a thing, right? Go catch JoCo. It's good stuff.

Eek!Cards #23: Like Romeo and Hershey's and That What's-Her-Name Girl

Published on 2012-06-01 08:15:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #22: If the Gown's a-Rockin', Don't Come a-Mockin'

Published on 2012-05-31 08:04:38

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) I noticed a while back this card had a typo. But I left it, because it seems appropriate to run a misspelled word on the day that the National Spelling Bee is taking place. So take inspiration from my shame, all you finger-sniffing homeschoolees. Get out there are give 'em Heil! No, wait. Give 'em Holl. Um... no. Give 'em Helf? Give 'em Hoil? Gah. I got it! Get out there and give 'em Hall. That's right. Anthony Michael Hall. Give 'em Hall, kids. He's one of you.

Out to Lunch, In a Crunch

Published on 2012-05-30 23:58:46

I have no delusions of being important enough to attract the universe's attention. (Frankly, I don't really believe anyone else rates that high, either. The universe has an awful lot on its plate, what with the stellar fusion reactions and holding up gravity and supporting life every once in a while. I seriously doubt it has time to pause the cosmic dance just to tap you on the shoulder and tell you to change your hairstyle, or to quit your job, or that you should totally follow Vicky to the W [..]

Eek!Cards #21: Let Me Use You in a Sentence

Published on 2012-05-29 22:04:03

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #20: With Six You Get Calico

Published on 2012-05-28 14:02:19

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Crawl Through the Mall

Published on 2012-05-27 21:25:06

My new-as-of-January job is in an office building in Cambridge, just a quick jog over the bridge from Boston. (Or a short swim under it, I guess, if you're the backstroking type. Me, I'd stay out of the Charles River. That thing used to be like the Futurama sewers. And I don't need any grossly mutated fish wriggling their way into my trunks, thanks. When there's a chance of "shrinkage", fourteen eyes are way worse than none.) Also close by the office is a shopping mall and underground garage, [..]

Eek!Cards #19: Call Now -- Or Preferably, Never!

Published on 2012-05-26 19:24:51

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #18: How Many Footballs Am I Holding Up?

Published on 2012-05-25 08:17:49

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Extremely Right When, Again?

Published on 2012-05-24 00:02:07

(Two things first -- number one, if you're one of those people into the Facepage craze -- or cars, or peanut butter, or squeaky-clean laundry -- then you might enjoy my latest ZuG.com romp: Prank Reviews: Zolton's in Yer Facebook. And number two. If you're in the Boston area a few Saturdays from now -- June 16th, to be precise -- some chums and I will be carrying on in a sketchy way, if you know what I'm sayin', at ImprovBoston's Sketch CageMatch. That's right. We're Deli Juices. And it's all [..]

Eek!Cards #17: Here's to You, Yosemite Samantha

Published on 2012-05-23 07:31:04

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #16: It's Not the Britches, Bitches

Published on 2012-05-22 09:31:41

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Old Acquaintance? Fuggedaboudit!

Published on 2012-05-21 17:20:21

I've decided to give up acquaintances. Honestly, I've never figured out why we have them in the first place. They're like pocket handkerchiefs or Ace bandages or those twelve little jars of capers in the back of the fridge. Everybody's got them -- but no one ever uses them. Most of us don't even know what the hell they're for. So we ignore them until they're well past using, and then we have to toss them, anyway. Well, I'm cutting to the chase. I'm done playing the game. Out. (Though I'll hol [..]

Eek!Cards #15: Kitchen Confidential

Published on 2012-05-20 21:10:06

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #14: Scouts' NOM-NOM-NOM-or

Published on 2012-05-19 09:57:19

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #13: You're Also Wrong About "Man Cave"

Published on 2012-05-18 08:19:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

MovableTitles

Published on 2012-05-17 19:47:28

Just when I think I have this whole "blogging" thing figured out -- nearly nine years into the experiment, mind you -- I find some other thing I've gone and hopelessly boobered up. Just last month, I fixed the comment spammers' little red wagon. (And that's still working, by the way. In the nearly three weeks since I declared victory with my home-grown spam-o-mangler, I've gotten precisely three bits of sleaze. And none of them automated -- I can associate each nugget of spew to an actual, liv [..]

Eek!Cards #12: It's a Grand Slam Education, Ma'am!

Published on 2012-05-16 12:41:30

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #11: I Got Yer 'Thermidor' Right Here

Published on 2012-05-15 08:08:41

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Sofa, So Good

Published on 2012-05-14 23:45:49

My dog and I are playing a devious game of cat and mouse. Or mouse and mutt. No, wait. I should be the cat. Except I'm allergic to cat fur. Can you be allergic to your own hair? Is that possible? Still, I wouldn't want to be the mouse, either. So little and squeaky -- I'd feel like a Kardashian. No, thanks. Nope, neither of the options are good. Who comes up with these games, anyway? I'll start again. "My dog and I are playing a devious game of rabid gangster bull elephant and albino ninja li [..]

Eek!Cards #10: Assed and Answered

Published on 2012-05-13 12:02:49

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) For those of you who missed the super-fancy Woe of the Road book reading at Books on the Square in Providence last night, I'll give you a taste of what you missed by posting a few snippets. These are from my piece 'Spring Broken' only, since I don't have the rights to quote the other authors. (Come to think of it, I probably gave up the rights to quote mine in the agreement, too. Or to post the book's name. Or refer to myself in the first person. Meh. I'm sure it's [..]

Eek!Cards #9: Knit One, Purl Clue

Published on 2012-05-12 09:17:29

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) Completely Unrelated Saturday Anecdote: Wife: What the hell is that music you've got on? Me: It's, um, a song in Russian from twelve years ago sung by an underage faux lesbian Russian pop duo. Wife: *blink* Me: *blink* Wife: So, are you... listening to it ironically? Me: Y'know, hon, at this point, who the hell can even tell any more? It's only a matter of time before she legally files for separate iTunes accounts.

Eek!Cards #8: List-en Up, You!

Published on 2012-05-11 07:57:05

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

I Think, Therefore... Hoo, Boy

Published on 2012-05-10 21:06:16

I've been told -- several thousand times by now, I'm sure -- that sometimes I overthink things. And it's true. I'll confess. I like to lift the curtain, to see what's behind what is. I want to know the 'why' of things, how a thing has come to be, what might have happened instead, what could happen next, and what it all means. That's just how I tick. Of course, sometimes there's nothing behind the curtain. It's just a stupid curtain, and when you lift it, you wind up with your pants down in pub [..]

Eek!Cards #7: Share the Love, Girl

Published on 2012-05-09 23:57:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) (Also! There's a new Zolton Does Amazon number over at ZuG. Check out Summer Like It Hot!. It'll warm yer cockles, you betcha. Speaking of Amazon, and books thereon, don't forget the Woe of the Road book reading at Books on the Square in Providence this Saturday. It's gonna be woe-tastic!)

Eek!Cards #7: Share the Love, Girl

Published on 2012-05-09 23:57:17

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) (Also! There's a new Zolton Does Amazon number over at ZuG. Check out Summer Like It Hot!. It'll warm yer cockles, you betcha. Speaking of Amazon, and books thereon, don't forget the Woe of the Road book reading at Books on the Square in Providence this Saturday. It's gonna be woe-tastic!)

Eek!Cards #6: Thou Shalt Not Touch Me with That Thing, Sicko

Published on 2012-05-08 12:02:00

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #5: Maggie, May I?

Published on 2012-05-07 00:44:04

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #5: Maggie, May I?

Published on 2012-05-07 00:44:04

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Does TOO Compute!

Published on 2012-05-06 15:19:09

My office did an awful thing to me when I was hired. They bought me an outrageously kickass laptop to use. You might think that would be a good thing. More power equals less frustration, right? And to a degree, that's true. With all those extra-snappy electrons zooming around, my huge to-do lists open faster. Emailing those hourly TPS reports takes no time at all. Solitaire practically plays itself. So there are perks, sure. But faster isn't always better. Speed kills, too. Or at least gets yo [..]

Eek!Cards #4: "Abstinence", by Victoria's Secret

Published on 2012-05-05 09:13:53

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #3: You Want Cat-Sup on That?

Published on 2012-05-04 07:17:30

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.) I almost forgot to mention!: If you're in the Somerville, Massachusetts area this Saturday afternoon, stop by the Somerville Open Cinema Mini-Film Festival in Union Square for another chance to see Viral Video -- featuring moi. Getting badmouthed and embarrassed. And whacked with a broom. It's ten minutes of your life you won't want to have back! Wait. I mean... um. No. That's probably right. Also! Should you be cruising the streets of Providence, Rhode Island nex [..]

A Hard Day's Pants

Published on 2012-05-03 23:51:09

Getting older is hard. Even putting on clothes is becoming a pain in the ass. When I was younger, getting dressed in the morning took no thought at all. Slap on a tee shirt, maybe a pair of shorts, maybe jeans, grab a pair of shoes and go. That was it. Now, things are more complicated. Picking an outfit these days is like planning an Olympic dive. There are degrees of difficulty to consider. Panels of judges to impress. And of course, trying to minimize the splash when your ass touches the gro [..]

Eek!Cards #2: I'd Glove You to Glove Me

Published on 2012-05-02 07:34:47

(The 'Eek!Cards' explan.)

Eek!Cards #1: Da Da Da DUM(P)

Published on 2012-05-01 17:43:51

Life is complicated. Some days I just can't manage to wade through it all and post a long meandering diatribe here about phonetics or my underpants or Cirque du Soleil. (Hey, you want focus, go stare at a laser pointer. This is a topic buffet here. All you can stomach, plus a little bit more.) "Eating canned tuna three meals a day in your underpants is many things. But 'complicated' is not one of them." This pains me, because in past years, I did update every day, or close to it. (In my defe [..]

Eye Am Not an Animal!

Published on 2012-04-30 22:38:49

Three lightning-quick points of order before we set sail tonight: #1. Contrary to my hard-earned pessimism from last time, I re-tinkered a bit and believe I've finally solved my spam comment problem. With custom code of my own, no less. I've been running naked, with no "official" spam filter for three days now, with nary a trace of spam slime around. The "rock star" pride, she swells in my bosom. However. To ensure that the three-and-a-half of you who actually read this drivel from time to tim [..]

Just Call Me Sir Spammed-a-Lot

Published on 2012-04-26 23:57:01

(Three quick bits of info on the way to tonight's main event: #1. There's a Zolton Does Amazon number up over at ZuG.com. It's about hippies. You like hippies, right? #2. Speaking of Amazon, the new Mug of Woe book Woe of the Road is now on it. I've got a piece in there. It's about Spring Break. Oh, yeah. I went there. #3. This coming Tuesday -- maybe Monday, if you're good! -- I'll be unveiling a new feature around here. Hopefully, it'll liven things up a bit. Or at least make you stop think [..]

Of PBS, Podcasts and Polioed Presidents

Published on 2012-04-22 15:46:55

The class my friend Jenn is teaching at RISD is getting curiouser and curiouser. I have to admit, I had a few reservations early on. The class is titled "Writing Comedy for New Media", and a few weeks ago, we produced a piece in newspaper style. (Seriously -- newspapers! In this day and age! I thought, what's next -- telling Conan monologues in smoke signals? Dirty Latin limericks? Dick jokes in Morse code?) "On the other hand, if you've ever wondered, "what would a slightly younger, goofier, [..]

She's Blinding Me... with Science Diet!

Published on 2012-04-17 21:27:44

I'm a scientist by training. Not a lot of training, mind you. I got out of the lab coat game very quickly after college, because -- well, it's pretty hard, for one thing. Who wants to spend forty years curing the common cold when there's three pints of NyQuil and a bag of Ricola in the hall closet? Frankly, I never quite saw the point. And not only that. After freshman chemistry class, they almost never let you set off explosions or light things on fire. That's how they suck you in -- and then [..]

Cash(-Cow) Cab

Published on 2012-04-12 09:50:15

(Just in time for Tax Day -- you did remember Tax Day, right? -- it's the latest Zolton Does Amazon joint: Taxed to the Max. Funnier than an audit, and simpler to read than a 1099-EZ! It's tax-tastic!) My business jaunt from a couple of weeks ago continues to haunt me. (More realistically, my failure to adhere to common social practices that a crack-addled gibbon could pick up is what haunts me. It's just more fun when I take it "on the road".) A quick recap of the journey: I flew from Bos [..]

Master-ing an Assignment

Published on 2012-04-07 13:05:16

Sometimes, life throws you a bone. Usually, it's sharpened to a point on one end and life wings it at your head, But once in a great occasional while, life will actually point you in the right direction. Take the comedy writing class I'm taking from Jenn at RISD this spring. This week's assignment includes blogging about a "trending topic" on Google or Twitter. Which would be great -- if "terrifying office mens' room signs" or half-blind lazy doofus" or Alton Brown >> Chuck Norris" were 'hot [..]

A Day Late and a DC-9 Short

Published on 2012-04-03 21:57:59

My little business trip over the weekend got off to a bit of a rough start. I made it to the airport in one piece -- with my snazzy 'business gym pouch suitcase' in tow -- and found a self-serve check-in kiosk. I tapped in my registration number, and the machine said... "Wha?" So I tried again. Boop-boop-boop-boop. Enter. "Never heard of you. See an agent." Whoa, let's not be hasty. The whole reason machines exist is so I don't have to speak to other humans at the airport. One more try. Beep [..]

Of Trip Angst and Clip Envy

Published on 2012-03-30 12:51:34

(Update Time!: For you Easter freaks, my latest Zolton Does Amazon piece over at ZuG.com tackles everyone's eggiest holiday. Have a gander at Easter Fun-Day!, if you dare. Also, if you're in the Providence, Rhode Island area on Tax Day evening -- that's Sunday, April 15th, for you revenuer-dodgers -- come down to the Cable Car Cinema for theSENE Film, Music and Arts Festival funny short film screening. The 7:30pm session includes Viral Video -- featuring moi! -- so if you've never seen me humi [..]

The Poster Parentage Predicament

Published on 2012-03-26 22:21:17

I've been invited to attend a conference this weekend. When I say "invited", of course, I mean that my boss' boss' boss' boss' boss at my new office came by and said, "hey, maybe you should go to this conference for us". I call that an "invite". Or possibly, if he were another boss or two up the chain, an "offer you can't refuse". Either way, I'm packing a bag on Friday and shipping out to represent the group. It's very exciting. I might have to get a haircut, or buy some new socks or somethin [..]

A-Vhaling Ve Vill Go

Published on 2012-03-20 19:11:07

I mentioned recently that I'm taking a writing class my friend Jenn is teaching at RISD. The nice thing about a writing class is that it keeps me writing. And the nice thing about writing is that whatever I manage to scrabble together for the class, I can double-duty here. That's a good thing. Some days, I barely manage half-ass-duty. Double-duty is, like, a dozen times better. Approximately. I sort of quarter-ass-dutied my way through math in school. Anyway, this week's assignment was as stra [..]

Mo' Better Eats; 'Mo 'Mazinger Feats

Published on 2012-03-14 20:45:55

It's the end of an era. After fourteen seasons of slinging sauces 'n' science, hash 'n' history and vignettes au vin, food guru Alton Brown called it quits on his show Good Eats. It was a sad day indeed when the last of the new episodes aired, just over a month ago. Or was it? Why just a few days ago, the venerable A.B. himself tweeted: "The only way I'd bring back Good Eats is if there were overwhelming fan demand." "Any cook can sweat vegetables. Alton Brown's vegetables do Pilates." (Of c [..]

The Shrew'd Pupil

Published on 2012-03-13 17:58:04

A while back, I took a couple of sketch writing classes over at ImprovBoston. Those were great, because every week I'd have an assignment to write a short scene -- three-to-five pages long, generally -- usually with some sort of spin or angle on which to focus. It was a nice contrast to the essay-y sort of things I normally do here (plus I got a 'bonus' post out of the effort every week), and I've been missing the prompts a bit. (What's that, you say? I could just write these little vignettes, [..]

An 'F' for Chef-fort

Published on 2012-03-10 22:12:44

My new company -- well, new to me, anyway -- is located in a large building with several other businesses. I've mentioned the gym, and there are a bunch of startups scattered around. There's also a culinary school, with a connected restaurant on the ground floor. I've never been to the restaurant, but I see the chefs-in-training come and go all the time, in their cheffing coats and funny hats and prison-issue-style pants. And after watching them for a little over two months now, I've come to a [..]

Eye So Sorry!

Published on 2012-03-06 22:30:42

I try to follow social convention. I really do. But my ability to wriggle into ridiculous situations sometimes means going completely off book. "Goofball" doesn't come with a protocol manual, sadly. Take my current predicament. I've got eyes, and they're not especially good. So I wear contact lenses -- and at the moment, those aren't especially good, either. They're old, and a little itchy, and they've got some sort of proteinaceous gunk building up around the edges. (At least, I hope it's pro [..]

Dropping a Bomb(eck)

Published on 2012-03-03 17:19:26

The first two rules of writing, as they were explained to me once by the back of a Fruit Loops box, are these: #1. Write what you know. Now, what I know is stubborn persnickety dogs, smart-assed responses, embarrassing office humiliations, awkward conversations and apologizing profusely to my wife for most or all of the above. It's no picnic to live through. But it does fill up the page nicely. Then there's: #2. Know your audience. Give 'em what they're looking for, whoever the hell they ar [..]

Leaping to Catch Up

Published on 2012-02-29 22:52:23

I've been pretty scarce around here for the last week or so. I hope no one believed I was the victim of some sort of bathroom-related shenanigans. Not that it's all that far from the truth. I just can't imagine the eulogy, is all. As penance for my absence, I'll point you to a few updates and tidbits that may, post facto, entertain you. Unless your facto is still running, and then you may enjoy them in medias facto. Or thereabouts. First, there's a brand new Zolton Does Amazon piece over at Z [..]

Signs of... Progress?

Published on 2012-02-21 22:48:07

(I neglected to report in my previous post the appearance of the latest Zolton Does Amazon piece over at ZuG.com. But if you're still basking in the sweaty afterglow of Valentine's Day goodness, then hop on over to read B-Minus Valentine to find out what you should have done this time around. Or what you should never have considered for even a moment, assuming you enjoy sleeping within fourteen feet of your wife. Some people lead by example. I take goofy pictures of myself. Go see. I'll wait. [..]

Alone Again (Condominiumally)

Published on 2012-02-18 12:44:05

I would not characterize my wife as 'forgetful'. (Because trust me, if I did, she'd never forget that. Or let me, either.) But I will say this, and she'd surely agree: If you were betting on who would, for instance, leave their phone accidentally at home on a workday, or forget their ID on the way to a bar, or buzz the doorbell frantically at some ungodly-early hour of the morning because they'd walked the dog without grabbing their keys -- again, and sometimes twice in the same fricking week [..]

Just the Facts, Ted

Published on 2012-02-13 21:29:24

You'll forgive me, I hope, for being rather scarce this week. (Or you'll forgive me for bothering to show up again. Either's good. Reader's choice.) In my defense, I've been doing a fair bit of writing for other purposes -- including a new Zolton Does Amazon piece that'll show up over on ZuG.com in the next day or two. So keep your wish list peeled for that. "I slapped a guy with his own mullet." In the meantime, I'm pretty pooped. Happily, there's one piece I can share with you right now -- [..]

My Sunday Less-Than-Best

Published on 2012-02-07 22:57:23

Somewhere along the winding twisty path of life, I lost my superstitious nature. I'm not sure when it happened, exactly, or how, but at some point I stopped believing in luck, fate, karma, curses, hexes, voodoo and the state Moneyball Lotto. Looking back, it all makes sense now. Belief in those sorts of things implies faith in some sort of universal order -- a cosmic cause-and-effect, what-goes-around-comes-around, I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I perpetual game of tallying the scores between every [..]

The Gift That Keeps On Brewing

Published on 2012-02-02 21:46:11

(For you Super Bowl party hosts, my latest Zolton Does Amazon piece over at ZuG, Practice Makes Party, might be just the bash-planning guide you're looking for. Unless you're afraid to look like a Smurf. Or you don't like kosher salsa. Or vibrating cocktail weenies. Oh, come on. You have to go look now. How could you not?) It's a month or so belated, but I'd like to publicly thank my old workmates for the thoughtful -- and delicious -- parting gift they bought me when I left at the end of Dec [..]

Doggy's Got a Brand New Bag

Published on 2012-01-29 22:17:30

Sometimes, it's about the small victories. The little things, the minor wins, those brief moments when you can shake your fist in the air and crow, 'Hoho, Universe -- I finally got one!' Or so I'm told. It's not like I would actually know. When it comes to little things, I'm 0-for-everything. Batting zero. Shutout city. Every once in a while, it seems as though I could win. I get close. And then the door slams shut, and I'm put back in my place until the next horrific emasculating nightmare. [..]

The Boxers Debriefing

Published on 2012-01-24 21:37:38

When you join a new gym -- as I recently did, thanks for your athletic support -- you find yourself thinking about all sorts of new things. You might wonder whether you're sweating more than anyone else in the room. You may worry that you pedal like a girl on the stationary bike. You could spend an afternoon trying to determine the least 'dirty old man-like' spot to take in a yoga class. (These are merely examples. No, you shut up.) Mostly, though, you'll think about your underpants. I'm s [..]

Concerto in D-43! D-43! Hut! Hut! HUT!!

Published on 2012-01-21 13:39:41

Sometimes the key to being a husband is realizing that you can't win. Not to say that you never win. It's just that some situations, maritally speaking, are entirely impossible to navigate. Like, most of the ones that occur while you're conscious and within loud shouting distance of your wife. Take tomorrow, for instance. Tomorrow, I was scheduled to accompany my lovely wife to a classical music concert in the afternoon. She asked if I'd attend, and I said I would. Most of these concerts, she [..]

Racqueteering

Published on 2012-01-19 21:01:17

(Another week [in January], another plug for you to come see The Ruckus Proves It! over at ImprovBoston. This Saturday, 10:30pm. Come for the comedy. Stay for.. uh, more comedy. Or something. There's beer. You'll like it. While we're pimping, there's also the latest Zolton Does Amazon piece over at ZuG,com, Black Tie and Fails. It's as gussied up as I get. And that's plenty gussy.) I mentioned a few days back that my new office building has a gym inside. Like, right there. So scandalously clos [..]

Asleep at the Wheelllllllllllllllllllll

Published on 2012-01-14 09:27:16

(A quick and friendly reminder that if you're reading this before 10:30pm tonight and live in the Boston area -- or, come to think of it, you're reading this before, say, 3pm and have lots of airline miles just sitting there idling -- you're in time to come see The Ruckus Proves It! [Again!] over at ImprovBoston in Cambridge.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's OFF at Work, I Know!

Published on 2012-01-09 21:47:32

Things are going well at my new job. "Going well", if you just count the work, that is. Every other aspect of settling into a new office is going about as devastatingly awkwardly as you'd probably expect, if you've read anything at all on this site. Or know me in real life. Or ever called me up as a telemarketer. It doesn't take long to figure me out, see. I pretty much telegraph the weird. I mentioned last time that I get a parking pass at NewJob -- and that said parking happens in a lot unde [..]

For Every Park, a Snark

Published on 2012-01-06 22:00:09

(For those in the Boston area, come by and see me -- if you dare! -- during ImprovBoston's SketchHaus, Saturday nights in January. I'll be performing with the high-larious sketch group The Ruckus; shows are just ten bucks and start at 10:30pm. Come see. There's beer. Good times. While I'm at it, the latest Zolton Does Amazon piece is up over at ZuG.com. Stop on over to Kiss Your Career Hello, If you're into that sort of thing.) I've just finished my first week of work at a new office, and thin [..]

Four for the Fourth

Published on 2011-07-04 23:35:10

I found four reasons to try writing a comedy sketch today. First, I didn't write much of anything for four days over the weekend, so I'm due. Second and third, today is July 4th, which double-duties as a 'holiday reason' and 'numerical reason'. And b

The Four Day Getaway

Published on 2011-07-03 09:09:06

It's been a scandalous four days since I've posted here. That feels like far too long, but I do have a good reason -- or rather, a set of reasons, some better (and more painful) than others -- for the negligence. I'll explain myself and ask for the m

In-dog-cent Exposure

Published on 2011-06-28 23:35:43

The missus and I had a couple over for dinner tonight. They're a nice enough husband and wife, we get along well, there are no dramas or finger pointing or hair pulling when we get together. There's just one thing: They're cat people. Me, I'm not c

A Honkey On My Back

Published on 2011-06-27 23:31:27

I had a busy week last week, with another jam-packed dance card looming this week. If I'm really honest, I'm perhaps trying to do too much -- at least, for a man of my age. (Of course for most men my age, sitting upright and breathing at the same ti

Sketch Class Class Sketch

Published on 2011-06-25 19:16:14

The title referring to, of course, a sketch about a class that I wrote for this week's sketch class. Ergo, sketch class class sketch. Got it? Good. I'm pasting this in and taking the rest of the weekend off. Bon class-etit, amigos. REMEDIAL LIT.

The Craft (of the Daft)

Published on 2011-06-24 23:49:18

Writing comedy isn't hard. Writing comedy and being a doofus -- now that's hard. I don't appear to have the ability -- useful as it seems -- to think of things to write about. Not while I'm trying to think of things to write about, anyway. Which is

HR's Not Gonna Want to Hear This

Published on 2011-06-22 23:54:35

There are many situations in life when a person may speak on your behalf. In court, for instance. During certain kinds of business deals. In a police interrogation room, from what I see in cop shows, if you can afford a fancy three-piece-suit lawyer.

When You ElderCare Enough...

Published on 2011-06-20 22:57:38

My wife is going to stop taking me anywhere eventually. I used to only be a liability at family gatherings, company picnics, fancy dinners, shopping malls, my office and most nearby bars and taverns. But lately, I've found a way to make the situatio

You Can't Fight Tate

Published on 2011-06-18 17:52:32

As promised -- or 'threatened', if you prefer -- today's piece is a short sketch featuring Detective Jack Tate, a character dreamed up for my skit writing class and introduced when last we danced. "Now pay attention, Fleshpot, because I'm only gonna

One Sketchy Character

Published on 2011-06-16 23:56:04

I have a new assignment this week in the sketch comedy writing class I'm taking over at ImprovBoston. This session, we're focusing on 'character sketches'. (As opposed to sketches without characters, I guess. Which would be an empty stage. So that's

The Bed of Damocles

Published on 2011-06-15 23:56:11

I'm sleeping on a time bomb. Literally. Sort of. Literally, in the sense that what I'm talking about is my bed, which is indeed where I sleep. When I'm not napping at my desk. Or under my desk. Or near my desk, in case I need to pretend I'm doing so

Back to the Cave-Rat Race

Published on 2011-06-13 23:54:27

Today was my first day back in the office after a week's vacation. I think if I had one recommendation for someone coming back from vacation, it's this: don't. Come back, that is. Stay in your blissful world where the sun always shines, the margari

A Sketchy Beginning

Published on 2011-06-11 23:58:48

In the spirit of keeping my damned fool mouth shut -- because I see what happens when I don't -- I don't believe I mentioned that I'm taking a comedy sketch writing class this summer at ImprovBoston. Or if I did mention it, at least I didn't post a

School's Out for Summer

Published on 2011-06-09 23:59:04

It appears the world will have to wait a little longer for my foray into the arena of sitcom writing. (You hear that enormous underground 'WHOOOOSH'? That's the world, breathing a subterranean sigh of relief.) I found out today that the writing cla

The Best Laid Non-Plans

Published on 2011-06-08 23:56:51

The problem with making life hard for yourself is that even when other peoples' lives are actually genuinely hard and yours is easy, you can usually find a way to make your life hard again. In other words, there's no way to win. Or, as I've been put

Mo' Maine

Published on 2011-06-06 09:48:44

The missus and I have been in Maine for two-and-a-half days now. As our sojourn rolls merrily along, I'm learning a lot. About the state. About myself. And about granite. Let's review, shall we? Yes. Let's. 1. I mentioned earlier that we arrived a

Just the Facts, Maine

Published on 2011-06-05 08:19:23

As promised / threatened yesterday, I'll be squawking a bit less while the missus and I are enjoying a long anniversary weekend in Maine. I've never been this far north, and haven't been in the state for a few years. I realize we're not seeing all th

The Maine Event

Published on 2011-06-03 23:59:28

The updates here may be short and proverbially-though-probably-not-actually 'sweet' for a few days. The missus and I have decided to take a long weekend, as part of the Anniversary Celebration That Ends When She Says It Ends, And If You Really Loved

Mustn't-See TV

Published on 2011-06-01 23:54:14

I signed up recently to take a class that my friend Jenn is teaching. I registered a few weeks ago and learned -- just last night -- that the class may involve writing a script for a sitcom. The name of the class, by the way, is "Sitcom Script Writi

My Own Point of Review

Published on 2011-05-31 23:59:51

Consider this fair warning to the one-and-a-half of you who may read these ramblings with some degree of regularity: it's quite possible that I won't be posting anything tomorrow. Why? Because of the new rule I set for myself after last weekend, spe

Vive la Anniversaire!

Published on 2011-05-30 23:53:50

Last night, the missus and I went out for a fancy anniversary dinner. (Say it with me, now: 'OFF THE HOOK! OFF THE HOOK!") Now, I don't get let out into gentrified proper company very often. This is by mutual arrangement between me and the aforesai

Automatic Tattletaling Machine

Published on 2011-05-28 23:55:16

As I ran screaming from the office yesterday, I decided to stop at the ATM near our building for some weekend spending money. I noticed that the bank has recently put in a new cash machine. To quote Dr. Jekyll, Bruce Banner and pre-op Melanie Griffi

Just-In-Time Toweling

Published on 2011-05-26 23:53:01

As a professional computer programmer, I'm quite familiar with the concept of JIT, or 'just-in-time' compilation. It means code that isn't pre-compiled, nor is it compiled at runtime. Instead, it's compiled 'just-in-time', right before it's needed.

Never Let 'Em See You Drizzle

Published on 2011-05-25 23:59:49

I learned a valuable lesson tonight. It's something that bounty hunters, bloodthirsty pirates, ruthless despots and Type A assholes all know by heart, but I'd never had occasion to learn: NEVER LET UP. Now, maybe I should have known this by now. It

At Home with the Bilgeburps

Published on 2011-05-23 23:57:58

My wife and I have been in our new(-ish) condo now for over a year and a half. I've enjoyed many things about settling in here and putting a few pages on the calendar between us and our moving odyssey. But one of my very favorite things about being h

Lights! Camera! BONKING!

Published on 2011-05-22 20:16:41

I need to make a slight amendment to the rules I've set for myself around here. A while back, I said to myself -- and perhaps within these virtual pages -- that I'd write something every day. Maybe a piece here, maybe a Zolton Does Amazon article on

Some Focus You Just Can't Reach

Published on 2011-05-20 23:23:56

Sometimes I envy the dog. And no, not because she gets to sleep eighteen hours a day and can lick her own crotch. (If that were all it took, I'd also envy unemployed yoga instructors and narcoleptic ballerinas. And Gene Simmons. But I don't. Much.

Coping with Anniversity

Published on 2011-05-19 23:59:39

The missus and I have an anniversary coming up in a couple of weeks, and it's kind of a doozy. Not a 'years-ending-in-zero' doozy -- we've had one of those already -- but a reasonably big one. Let's just say that if I were to forget and spend the day

More Like 'Truth Hunters'

Published on 2011-05-18 23:57:43

I'm starting to think that House Hunters on HGTV is the most important show on television right now. Hold on, now -- don't run off cackling. I can back this up. Seriously. Give me a shot here. If you're unfamiliar with the show, it's essentially a

The Charities of Strangers

Published on 2011-05-17 23:55:43

Our neighborhood has been inundated in recent days. Not with rain -- although, yes, also with rain. It's unfortunate that the stupid weather couldn't cooperate long enough for me to borrow 'inundate' for ten minutes to make one damned point about som

More of the Shame

Published on 2011-05-16 23:59:57

There's only one good part to not being able to have nice things. It's that almost no one else can have nice things, either. So I was very schadenpleased to read an article today detailing how bad Google's Instant Mix feature of their new music uploa

Scheme and Scheme Alike

Published on 2011-05-15 16:38:04

There's a certain art to living with another human being. Whether you're sharing a room with a roommate, a cell with a cellmate or a marriage with a...er, marriagemate, there are certain rules you follow and games you play to keep life copacetic betw

The Partly-Pronounced Pepper

Published on 2011-05-13 23:53:22

I owe my mother an apology. (No, not for a lousy Mother's Day gift. I sent flowers. And they were LOVELY, thank you very much. Yes, I know she's obligated to say that, even if I sent a vase full of long-stemmed mummified cat turds. But I didn't. I

The Evolution of Early(-Morning) Man

Published on 2011-05-12 23:59:57

I'm rethinking my stance on early humans. Oh sure, I've always been impressed with the early Homo clan. The habilis, the neanderthalensis, sapiens, of course. And erectus is always the life of the party. ('Erectus'? Why, he barely even knows us!)

The Old Bait and Shop

Published on 2011-05-11 23:59:29

I was cruelly tricked by my wife this weekend. She knows how I feel about shopping. I don't like shopping, I'm not good at shopping, and I get very exasperated and pouty if I'm forced into shopping. You'd think she'd understand. She feels the same w

Do Chipmunks Have Chakras?

Published on 2011-05-09 23:59:23

So, I mentioned a while back that I'm doing fauxga. Yeah. I'm not doing fauxga any more. There are several reasons why. Partly, it was that my initial membership ran out, and I didn't enjoy it enough to shell out more money to keep doing it. Which

Be Afraid; Be Just a Little Afraid

Published on 2011-05-08 23:59:43

The world can be a scary place. My goal is to live without fear -- or at least without fear being a chief and overwhelming influence in the things that I do. It's a nice goal. I think I came up with it one night while I was hiding under the covers,

The Embiggening Juxtaposition

Published on 2011-05-06 23:59:57

There's nothing like playing adult softball on a Little League field to make you feel like a big man. I did that very thing earlier tonight. And as I watched one of my hits sail majestically into the gloom and over the same three-foot-tall wall that

A Caf' a Minute

Published on 2011-05-05 23:59:04

Fate has once again thrust me into an uncomfortable situation. (You see that? It's not me. It's fate. I'm just an innocent pawn in the constant tomfoolery. Well, okay. Maybe a bishop. Or one of those little horseys that can't walk in a straight lin

I'm an Excellent Fireplace

Published on 2011-05-03 23:57:20

Our new condo -- which is not so new any more, but was just about to be new on the cusp of my hiatus a while back -- has a fireplace. It's actually a rather nice fireplace. Nothing fancy, but wide and open and easily viewable from the comfort of the

Written, Writed, Wrote

Published on 2011-05-02 23:54:57

Some days it looks like I'm slacking off around here. But looks can be deceiving. Which is not to say that I don't look like someone who'd slack off -- like it's my frigging career, already. I've seen my picture. I know. Trust me. I know. But what'

Bare Swan

Published on 2011-05-01 23:58:43

My wife is a cultured sort. She's into the opera, the arts, and has a season pass to a local classical music series. (I go with her to the last one -- sometimes. For me, it depends on who's playing. I like Beethoven and Bach and Mozart well enough,

Now Batting, Bob... Brasky?

Published on 2011-04-30 23:13:16

Softball season kicked off last week; I'm playing on a new team this year, and our first game didn't go quite as well as we'd hoped. We lost a real heartbreaker -- the final was 27-6, I think. I suppose that's less of a 'heart-breaker' and more of a

Talkin' Football

Published on 2011-04-28 23:59:53

I'll be tickled pink like a pigskin when the NFL players and owners get their collective (bargaining) act together and agree to have a football season already. I'm eager not because I'm anxious for football to start -- it's only barely spring around

Express Yourself, Before You Mess Yourself

Published on 2011-04-27 23:59:19

To me, the worst part about getting old is losing expressiveness. (Well, that or the incontinence. Or the gut-wrenching dementia. Also, liver spots. But let's stick with the speed bumps I've already hit, shall we? There'll be plenty of time for wea

Early to Bed, Often to Rise

Published on 2011-04-25 23:59:44

There are some days -- or more importantly, nights -- when it just doesn't pay to do the right thing. Or try to do the right thing. Or anything, frankly. Take last night, for example. I had had an eventful weekend after a grueling week, and frankly

Enunciator? I Barely Even KNOW 'Er!

Published on 2011-04-24 23:00:08

My wife sometimes tells me that I don't speak clearly enough. I reply that other people don't seem to have a problem understanding me, and maybe she's just not listening closely enough. To which she says, 'Okay, dear -- have a good time.' Case in p

Now We're Cooking with Obvious!

Published on 2011-04-23 23:51:30

I fear that cookbooks may be getting too specialized. This is frankly not something I thought I'd ever need to form an opinion about. Cookbooks got along just swimmingly without my input for what, three or four hundred years? They did their thing, I

I Thought Girls Liked to Be Noticed

Published on 2011-04-22 23:59:39

Being observant is usually a good thing. You can follow complicated movie plots. You might find a quarter on the sidewalk. Waldo can run, but you will hunt that stripey dork down, no matter where he goes. (Who 'hides' in a shirt like that, anyway? I

The Terrycloth Truth

Published on 2011-04-21 10:44:41

There are some issues that don't come up early in a relationship. In the early dating phase, everyone's on their best behavior. We sit up straight, use the right forks, and keep all of our little foibles and imperfections firmly under wraps, never to

Genetics for the Rest of Us

Published on 2011-04-19 21:00:11

I work in science. Genetics, specifically, and oncogenomics -- or the genetics of cancer -- super-duper-specifically. You might think it sounds kind of hard. I always thought that -- and figured I'd be shining shoes or giving squeegee jobs for spare

It's a Train Wreck in Spandex, Not a Marathon

Published on 2011-04-18 23:57:04

Today was Patriots Day -- explained once or twice in the past here, if you're unfamiliar -- around these parts. In general, it's a fine holiday, because it lets us witness the Boston Marathon, because the Red Sox play a special eleven AM game at home

Powerless-on, Learned

Published on 2011-04-17 23:56:20

I woke up yesterday to what I assume will be hereafter called the "Great New England Electrical Nightmare of 2011". (Or "that time the power went out for a couple of hours one spring". Clearly, mine has a much better ring to it. I know which one CN

MythBostoning

Published on 2011-04-15 23:56:21

I've found in my travels -- and in the travels of other humans to visit my nearby vicinity -- that people have a lot of misconceptions about the city of Boston. Having lived here for a dozen years now, I've been disabused of any misconceptions myself

Butchered!

Published on 2011-04-14 23:33:21

(Currently playing on the TV in my head, with warm scabby apologies to the fans of a certain Food Network staple...) Hello, and welcome back to Butchered; I'm your host, Allen Ted. Today, we've asked four world-class surgeons from around the country

Gantt Never Did Anyttttthing

Published on 2011-04-13 22:49:01

Things are getting pretty serious at work. For a while, there were only a few of us. We'd get stuff accomplished, tackle new projects, and generally make ourselves productive all willy-nilly around the copy machine. Well, no more. We've grown. And n

One If By Land, Screwed If By Me

Published on 2011-04-11 23:59:23

There are times when being achingly lazy can get in the way. Not many, mind you. But times. Mostly, laziness is just what the doctor ordered. Not the 'medical school, heart-healthy, get off your ass and exercise' kind of doctor, of course. Other do

You Can't Fight Process

Published on 2011-04-10 14:46:39

(Before we start, I'd like to thank Kyle and Jenn over at the Mug of Woe project for [unofficially-but-officially-enough] accepting my submission for their upcoming collection. I was assured that of the hundreds of entries received, mine was in the

Trouble Brewing

Published on 2011-04-09 21:44:40

There are lots of perks to brewing your own beer. I've been told this for years. I've been told there are 'perks' to lots of things that involve hours of backbreaking work, funky smells and massive cleanup efforts. Brewing beer, getting a gym members

Hard Sell, with Hoisin Sauce

Published on 2011-04-08 23:59:23

I have a pretty unique commute to work -- at least for a big city like Boston. While most people around here are crawling to work in tin cans of some kind -- cars, trains, subways, the occasional bathysphere -- I've got a quick twenty-minute walk fro

Armageddon a Little Nervous

Published on 2011-04-07 17:35:55

I've decided that when the apocalypse comes, I'm going to be in some serious trouble. I suppose we all will be, what the lava gushing or the Martians invading or ravenous packs of Rachael Ray clones roaming the countrysides. I don't know what'll cau

More Balking, Less Talking

Published on 2011-04-06 23:05:53

Once again, a computer has shown me how old I've become. Only this wasn't some fancy age-guessing gizmo or wrinkle detector or snarky 'Hot or Not?' server not progammed to compensate for troubled chicks with unresolved daddy issues. (Or Joe Piscop

Catching Up Is Hard to Do

Published on 2011-04-05 23:34:48

Well, this is awkward. The very next day after experiencing a bout of social unpreparedness, I had the exact opposite happen. I was absolutely locked in and ready to interact with other humans -- greetings rehearsed, pants on, fly zipped, psychotic r

"Scouting" Out a Monday

Published on 2011-04-04 23:32:15

The Boy Scouts have a motto. Perhaps you're familiar with it: Be prepared. Yeah. How nice. I was never a Boy Scout. I was a Cub Scout for a while. I'm pretty sure we didn't have a motto. We were a bunch of nine-year-olds who weren't allowed to tie