Blog Feed: The Wrath of Kon

My 2012 writing year in review

Published on 2012-12-17 19:11:40

Despite all of my bitching about writer’s block, 2012 shaped up to be decent as far as writing output: two books, and twelve publications in eight markets.  My goal this year was to do two books (which was unrealistic, but … Continue rea

Haiku in the Night by Ben Ditmars

Published on 2012-12-09 11:39:23

So here’s a new one.  Ben Ditmars has a new book out called Haiku in the Night. He’s a facebook buddy hailing from Ohio, and for some reason I seem to know an unnatural number of people from Ohio lately. … Continue reading →

Alpha Mike Foxtrot by John Sheppard

Published on 2012-12-01 13:25:39

I’m proud to announce that Paragraph Line Books has released the newest from John Sheppard, author of Small Town Punk and Tales of the Peacetime Army.  His new book is titled Alpha Mike Foxtrot, and it’s an awesome tale of redemption

Bass, Cookies, Vomit

Published on 2012-11-26 17:34:58

I am back from my trip to Reno.  I won $100 on a slot machine.  I bought a new bass.  I had a dream about cookies.  I saw a big lake. OK, first, slot machines – I have a mixed … Continue reading →

Hello from Reno

Published on 2012-11-20 22:48:16

It’s two days before thanksgiving, and I find myself in a deluxe suite at a casino in downtown Reno, which is roughly like staying at the standard room in one of the third-tier off-strip places in Vegas, but it’s not … Continue read

The Great Holiday Book Sale

Published on 2012-11-14 18:52:55

Jolly Firestorm! Merry Holidays! Happy Hanukkah! Festive Birthday of Quaid-e-Azam Muhammad Ali Jinnah! And whatever else I forgot! This year, to celebrate all of the various holidays and wars on holidays this December, I am extending some very specia

Movie reviews: Flight, End of Watch

Published on 2012-11-12 20:21:52

I go to the movies every damn weekend, and I see some occasional good movies, a lot of okay ones, and a fair number of bad ones.  I never write this shit down, and maybe I should.  I just don’t … Continue reading →

The Chainsaw Baron Prophecy at Fictionaut

Published on 2012-11-09 19:39:09

I used to predict the future, as a kid. I knew the Space Shuttle would explode, that the Berlin Wall would crumble, that Ronald Reagan would go on the thousand-dollar bill, shortly before the US switched to the North American … Continue reading

Review of Sleep Has No Master at Bibliomantics

Published on 2012-11-05 17:19:51

It’s getting harder to find places to get books reviewed, or at least it’s getting harder for me to find places that will review my books.  There are more than a few places putting out reviews of straight genre fiction, but … Cont

The perks of being a blocked writer

Published on 2012-10-29 17:02:54

Okay, in my last post, I alluded to being stuck between two places writing-wise, and I didn’t get into that.  So, now I will.  But of course, I’ll go off on another tangent first. I saw the movie The Perks of … Continue reading →

Back to bass

Published on 2012-10-28 12:55:13

I have not been writing.  I’m sort of stuck between two places.  More on that in a bit. I went into my usual writer’s block mantra of “I wish I did something other than write”, which motivated me to go … Continue reading →

The Recognitions by Steve Urkel

Published on 2012-10-21 13:28:17

The Recognitions, published in 1955, is American author William Gaddis’s first novel. The novel was poorly received initially, but Gaddis’s reputation grew, twenty years later, with the publication of his second novel J R (which won a National Book Award), … Continue reading →

Stop bath acid memories

Published on 2012-10-20 12:58:21

In my freshman year of college, my classes were mostly at Ballantine hall, which was rumored to be built from all the money IU made off of the fluoride patent they sold to the Crest toothpaste people.  The morning stumble … Continue reading →

Mission

Published on 2012-10-18 19:24:25

There is a level in Modern Warfare 3 called “Mission” and everybody seems to love it, because every time I’m playing and “Mission” and any other level other than “Terminal” or “Dome” comes up, everyone votes for “Mission”.  (“Dome” is … Continue reading →

Advice from Raymond Federman

Published on 2012-10-14 13:19:05

I don’t remember when I got into Raymond Federman, but it was probably during the process of trying to look up every influence Mark Leyner mentioned in interviews.  If you haven’t read him, both Take it or Leave it and … Continue reading →

It’s impossible to learn how to write plotless books by operating a plow

Published on 2012-10-13 12:01:37

I watched an hour-long documentary with Richard Linklater a week or two ago, an interview that was done on some Austin cable TV show, which looked like one of those public access deals that they always had in Seattle in … Continue reading →

First lines from my books and stories, presented without commentary

Published on 2012-10-12 17:19:41

“I pulled the VW Rabbit off the road and killed the engine.” “You’re probably wondering why I did this.” “I’ve always had a great interest in reference material.” “I love Las Vegas, and I still have trouble telling people why.” … Continue reading →

Check out my new author site

Published on 2012-10-11 18:35:06

I have a new author site.  Check out jonkonrath.com - I am just starting to put stuff there. It’s just a storefront-type thing, with a list of my books and any current news on it.  I don’t plan on getting rid … Continue reading →

Generating 300 dpi PDFs in Apple Pages

Published on 2012-10-10 17:15:38

If you’ve ever tried to generate a PDF from Apple Pages and then submit it to a print-on-demand service, they’ve probably balked, or you’ve gotten output that was sub-par.  Specifically, this happens if you have any 300 dpi images that … Continue reading →

The Evil Pink Mistress

Published on 2012-10-09 18:46:06

Trying to shake a benadryl hangover, the evil pink mistress clogging every mental channel in my head with dizziness, apathy, and the dark grey dread and doubt and apathy that logjams any serious attempts at life. I remember waking at … Continue reading →

Nuke from orbit

Published on 2012-10-02 21:59:34

I did my first clean installation of OSX today, which is weird, given that I’ve been using OSX Macs since 2005. The reason I’m not in the habit of nuking a machine and reinstalling everything is twofold.  One is that … Continue reading →

Check out my story in Tall Tales With Short Cocks 2

Published on 2012-10-01 17:12:27

Earlier this year, I had a piece in the first anthology by Bizarro Press.  Well, the second of their collections is now out, and I’m proud to announce that it’s also got something of mine in it. The anthology is … Continue reading →

Jesus’ Son

Published on 2012-09-27 17:50:08

I’m running out of things to read in the house, or at least I have the perception of running out of things to read.  I probably have at least a hundred or two books that I haven’t read, so maybe … Continue reading →

Questions From An Interview Never Completed

Published on 2012-09-23 12:33:50

Somehow, I ended up with a URL for someone looking for author interviews, with a questionnaire.  I started filling it out, but had the sudden realization that all of these sites catering to genre writers can go fuck themselves, because … Continue reading →

Apple TV

Published on 2012-09-20 17:19:37

So last night, as an early anniversary present, Sarah got me the new Apple TV.  Not the rumored buy-a-whole-TV-from-Apple Apple TV, but the third-generation set-top box from Apple.  My first impression is that this is an interesting little piece of … Continue reading →

Wonder Bread Gorging and the Ceiling Toaster Distraction

Published on 2012-09-14 09:01:56

I want to mount a toaster on the ceiling.  It’s a really tall ceiling, seventeen feet or some shit like that, and there’s a thin pipe with a metal box on one end, one of those electrical boxes with four … Continue reading →

Ranch K-hole

Published on 2012-09-08 12:04:40

Yesterday was a shit day for writing, not only because I still don’t have a project and I’m entering month three of the one month I decided to take to shore up an outline for the next book, but because … Continue reading →

Half the reason I don’t blog every day is I can’t think of titles

Published on 2012-09-06 19:54:41

I miss the days when I didn’t use wordpress, because back then, my entries didn’t have titles.  I found it much easier to start brain-dumping babble onto a page when there wasn’t a blank title forcing me to somehow compose … Continue reading →

Sleep Has No Master is FREE this weekend on Kindle!

Published on 2012-08-31 06:20:55

Up for some bizarre reading this holiday weekend? My latest book, Sleep Has No Master, is free this weekend on the Kindle. Check out the book at Amazon. What this means is that from Friday 8/31 to Tuesday 9/4, you … Continue reading →

Review of Sleep Has No Master at Voltaire’s Reviews

Published on 2012-08-18 12:20:45

I recently found a great independent review site that focuses on bizarro lit, called Voltaire’s Reviews.  I sent in my latest, thinking it wouldn’t get to the top of the queue until next winter, and was pleasantly surprised that the … Continue reading →

Another Friday giant-list update

Published on 2012-08-17 17:13:15

It’s Friday, and I have no concrete ideas for a larger update, yet have all of these smaller bits and pieces, so here goes: I try to take notes of all of my ideas, but 90% of the time, they … Continue reading →

What happened to hypercard?

Published on 2012-08-12 13:53:37

Hypercard was released 25 damn years ago.  Has it been that long? Back in college, I spent a lot of time screwing around on the Mac, and there were certain programs that welded that old-school 68K Classic Mac experience in … Continue reading →

Shut The Fuck Up About Megapixels

Published on 2012-08-10 17:00:04

I hate it when people think that more megapixels are better.  They are wrong. This has been bugging the shit out of me ever since the latest Mars lander touched down.  Once people heard the probe had a two megapixel … Continue reading →

Baseball 2012

Published on 2012-08-08 23:34:35

I haven’t been writing any posts about baseball this year.  Reason being, the wheels fell off the Rockies pretty early in the year, and then things just went from bad to worse.  I think I got a few weeks into … Continue reading →

Recalling Total Recall

Published on 2012-08-06 17:05:19

I always love to hear about a new movie adaptation of a Philip K. Dick story or book.  But I’ve been on the fence about the new Total Recall remake, mostly because I’ve always enjoyed the 1990 original movie.  It … Continue reading →

New Story Over at Paragraph Line

Published on 2012-08-04 13:53:34

I have an excerpt from my book Sleep Has No Master over at Paragraph Line.  Check it out here: http://www.paragraphline.com/2012/08/03/krill-warriors-by-jon-konrath/ It’s a story called “Krill Warriors”, and it’s the classic tale of a childhood buddy who happened to be born … Continue reading →

Age of Aquarius

Published on 2012-08-03 18:54:53

I’ve talked a few times about my old Commodore 64, but this wasn’t my first computer. I actually owned a much shittier computer for about a year before the C-64: the Mattel Aquarius.  I thought I’d told the story before, … Continue reading →

The Death of Paper Notes

Published on 2012-08-02 18:38:44

One of the changes in OSX Mountain Lion is that it has a dedicated Notes application.  It’s just a basic text editor, except it syncs with other Apple devices.  This isn’t entirely new; iOS devices have had a notes app … Continue reading →

Win a copy of my new book at Goodreads

Published on 2012-08-02 17:27:15

So, I’m doing a book giveaway over at Goodreads.  I’m giving away three copies of the print version of Sleep Has No Master.  It’s free to enter, and you won’t get put on a spam mailing list.  You do need … Continue reading →

Mandelbrot and Genre Writing

Published on 2012-08-01 18:03:07

I’ve been in the post-book-release period of my writing cycle where I don’t know what I’m doing next, and I don’t know what I should be reading, so I start poring over non-fiction, usually some junk science book.  Specifically, it’s … Continue reading →

The Feel of a Book

Published on 2012-07-31 17:05:48

I really do wish I could switch to an all-digital book library, buy every print book in this house in some e-book format, and haul all of this shit to the goodwill, or sell it in the Amazon used section. … Continue reading →

The Loudness War

Published on 2012-07-30 17:17:45

The loudness war is a weird k-hole I recently fell into, trying to find out more information about a Stooges remaster.  Let me explain. Okay, have you ever owned some album, and listened to a song a million times, and … Continue reading →

Snowcone and Haystack

Published on 2012-07-20 18:02:01

I didn’t remember it until this morning, but today is the anniversary of the first moon landing.  It’s hard to imagine it was 42 years ago (mostly because I was -1 years old at the time) but it’s also hard … Continue reading →

Listicles Are A Window Into The Soul

Published on 2012-07-19 22:18:30

I am stuck in that “what do I post here” mode lately, so it’s time for another big long list of random stuff. I’ve been re-reading Douglas Coupland’s Microserfs, a book I think I haven’t read since 1995.  It has not … Continue reading →

Calculator K-Hole

Published on 2012-07-18 19:10:38

Something I sometimes do when I don’t have time to waste but still want to lock into some useless pursuit that will eat up hours is to try and find various things I owned as a kid.  The other day, … Continue reading →

New Tires, Joe Meno

Published on 2012-07-17 18:38:19

I bought new tires the other day.  I got one of them patched a few months ago, after attracting a nice bolt into the tread, and the TPMS light flickered alive last week, signaling a slow leak either in that … Continue reading →

Re-reading Infinite Jest, part 2 of 863

Published on 2012-07-09 18:29:10

So I’m now just shy of 300 pages into my re-read of Infinite Jest, which is just over 25% of the way through according to the Kindle, although I think it’s closer to 1/3 done when you consider the last … Continue reading →

Patents, Apple, Whatever

Published on 2012-07-08 14:26:45

There’s been a lot of coverage in the news about Apple’s various patent wars against Samsung and others, and the gist of the coverage is that the patent system was 100% fine up until Apple woke up one morning and … Continue reading →

Sleep Has No Master, now in paperback too

Published on 2012-07-05 12:44:01

I’m proud to announce my new book, Sleep Has No Master, is now available in glorious dead tree print format.  234 pages of doesn’t-matter-if-you-drop-it-in-the-tub, readable-on-the-beach, loanable-to-friends, no-DRM, no-batteries-required goodness. If you read my previous book, The Earworm Inception, you’ll like … Continue reading →

Re-reading Infinite Jest, part 1 of ?

Published on 2012-07-02 18:41:55

Okay, I gave in and started re-reading Infinite Jest the other night. I’m 8% finished as of last night, which is roughly like running the first two miles of a marathon.  It’s enough that I’m getting some momentum, but so … Continue reading →

Things I Remember About Infinite Jest

Published on 2012-06-29 17:01:43

I first heard about David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest from the 1996 profile in Details.  (I used to subscribe to Details for some reason; I’m not sure why.)  I didn’t have a TV then, so of course I ran to the bookstore, … Continue reading →

My New Book, Sleep Has No Master, Is Now Available

Published on 2012-06-26 17:07:26

I’m proud to announce my new book, Sleep Has No Master, is now available! It’s on Amazon for the Kindle here. The print version will be available shortly – it’s currently in the proof process.  The book’s site is here. The … Continue reading →

Dumping Word

Published on 2012-06-25 17:40:27

I hate Microsoft Word.  I don’t know how much of my life I’ve wasted on Word, although I’m certain I will be on my deathbed and wish I had all of the years back I spent cursing at Clippy and … Continue reading →

Pulp Fiction

Published on 2012-06-23 12:52:33

I watched Pulp Fiction for the millionth time last night. We’re trying to get through that AFI 100 films thing, starting with all of the ones I have on DVD at the house. I haven’t seen Pulp Fiction in maybe ten years … Continue reading →

Editing and Allergies

Published on 2012-06-21 17:13:29

It’s the middle of allergy season, or one of California’s several allergy seasons, at least, and I’ve been wheezing away this week.  On a normal day, I only dose up on non-drowsy stuff in the morning, but this week, it’s … Continue reading →

2008 Interview at Hipster Book Club

Published on 2012-06-17 12:31:24

[This is a reconstruction of an interview I did for Hipster Book Club in 2008.  The original site is gone, and I couldn't find it in the wayback machine, but I have the questions and answers from my email archive. … Continue reading →

Reading my Amazon books in epub format on non-Kindle readers

Published on 2012-06-16 13:59:35

I’ve just completed another Kindle Select giveaway for my book The Earworm Inception (and thank you to everyone who downloaded a copy!)  One of the things that always comes up is that someone asks me if I’m ever going to … Continue reading →

Review of The Earworm Inception at Bibliomantics

Published on 2012-06-14 09:10:48

My latest book, The Earworm Inception, just got reviewed over at Bibliomantics.  Not only did the book get a good score (4.66 out of 5 stars), but this has to be one of the most comprehensive reviews of one of … Continue reading →

The Earworm Inception is FREE on Kindle this weekend!

Published on 2012-06-08 02:01:24

My 2012 book The Earworm Inception is free on the Kindle this weekend! Check it out here: http://www.amazon.com/The-Earworm-Inception-ebook/dp/B006U44EIY The Earworm Inception is a collection of twenty bizarro and absurdist flash fiction stories. It’s hard to describe the overall story, except … Continue reading →

New York

Published on 2012-06-05 00:28:26

Usually when I fall into a deep nostalgic k-hole, I’m thousands of miles removed from the actual event.  But tonight, It’s more like a few hundred yards. I’m back in the Lower East Side, in a hotel room that’s a … Continue reading →

List of drugs to take on the MTA subway while masturbating (in order)

Published on 2012-06-02 13:32:49

List of drugs to take on the MTA subway while masturbating, in order: Methamphetamine Propranolol Petroleum ether Alpha-Methyltryptamine Ibogaine Pregabalin Pyrovalerone Provigil Lisdexamfetamine Fentanyl (Editor’s Note: I submitted this listicle to TheAwl.com, but they rejected it.)

Curators Versus Creators

Published on 2012-06-01 18:14:00

I haven’t read Mashable in a while, and for whatever reason, decided to re-add it to my RSS reader.  Within about five articles, I suddenly remembered why I stopped. First, half of the articles were link-bait about various {Apple_Product}-killers.  Like … Continue reading →

Fifty shades of another stupid list

Published on 2012-05-31 17:38:22

I’m in one of those phases where I have so much stuff to do and so many different projects, I can’t really sit down to any one of them.  And this blog is one of them, and I always want … Continue reading →

Death and Facebook

Published on 2012-05-26 11:45:59

I found out last night that an old friend of mine from college died of a brain aneurysm, right after her 40th birthday.  She’s someone I lost touch with for twenty years, and then just found on Facebook, so there’s … Continue reading →

I am back

Published on 2012-05-24 17:52:31

I am back.  My luggage is not.  It might be on a plane from Frankfurt, Germany to here, or it might be sitting on some Lufthansa baggage conveyor somewhere in Germany.  I will probably see it this weekend, and it’s … Continue reading →

Berlin

Published on 2012-05-21 08:04:57

It’s two in the afternoon, and it’s an absolutely wonderful day outside in Berlin, 79 degrees and sunny.  And of course, I’m sitting inside, looking out the window and listening to the traffic at Potsdamer Platz. But I did walk … Continue reading →

Nuremberg

Published on 2012-05-19 10:06:19

It’s my second-to-last day in the Bavarian city of Nuremberg, and it’s something like seventy degrees outside, but I’m in the hotel, looking out a huge window at the sun, listening to birds chirp, and editing a book I hope … Continue reading →

London

Published on 2012-05-17 09:52:35

I’m now in Nuremberg, after a rough travel day yesterday. Here’s a general brain dump in bulleted list format on my short stay in London: I thought London would be a lot like New York, except darker.  I actually liked … Continue reading →

Check out my interview/excerpt at The Indie Spotlight

Published on 2012-05-15 09:01:48

I have a piece from The Earworm Inception (which has also been published earlier this year) and a brief interview in The Indie Spotlight. Check it out here: http://www.theindiespotlight.com/?p=10666. I’m still in London, leaving for Germany tomorrow.  A more formidable write-up … Continue reading →

London, Nuremberg, Berlin,

Published on 2012-05-11 17:00:37

I am not packed.  I am not ready.  I have not prepared.  I am in a slight panic, because in less than 24 hours, I will leave the country for the first time since 2009, and seal myself in a … Continue reading →

New Interview at Horror Sleaze Trash

Published on 2012-05-09 17:00:48

I just did an interview with Horror Sleaze Trash. Check out my answers to 13 questions, including why Mark Leyner is great, why George Lucas isn’t, and what my last book has in common with Monty Python.  Check it out … Continue reading →

Things I Found In Storage Today

Published on 2012-05-05 20:04:53

When I moved to Oakland in 2009, I rented a storage locker in this old warehouse that always reminds me of that scene at the end of Indiana Jones, and has the smell of a place where the Ark of … Continue reading →

Bigger, Faster, Dumber

Published on 2012-05-03 17:00:40

I did something the other day I haven’t done since July of 09.  I rode my bike.  Not a lot, maybe a mile or so around the neighborhood, a quick shakedown cruise after wiping off three years of junk from … Continue reading →

Another Hundred Things

Published on 2012-04-27 17:24:22

For those of you who think I am nothing but a cruel heartless bastard who spends all of his time writing books about corpse-fucking and serial killers, here is a picture of me with a baby.  My wife’s sister had … Continue reading →

The Zombies of Kilimanjaro in the new Bizarro Press Anthology

Published on 2012-04-20 09:02:41

So a few months ago, Arthur Graham bugged me about contributing something to an upcoming anthology by this friend of his who ran Bizarro Press.  On a lark, I slammed out this short story, which is a parody of what … Continue reading →

A hundred things I wanted to mention

Published on 2012-04-17 19:22:53

No, literally. I can’t write a thousand words about one thing, unless it’s “hey, remember the Magnavox TV (x1000)”, and everything within the next 18 months will just be a list, so here is a list. I gave away more … Continue reading →

Fistful of Pizza ebook is FREE on the Kindle store this weekend!

Published on 2012-04-13 07:00:07

My book Fistful of Pizza is free on the Kindle this weekend! Before I even explain anything, go here and download this thing immediately at Amazon.com. Okay, here’s the deal.  Fistful of Pizza is a short story collection of nine different … Continue reading →

Happy 15th Birthday, Wrath of Kon

Published on 2012-04-11 08:15:07

Back on April 11, 1997, I had a stupid idea. I used to write in these journals, spiral notebooks, every day.  I started doing that in 1993.  I never wrote stories, and it wasn’t a diary either – it was … Continue reading →

Read my interview at Bizarro Press

Published on 2012-04-10 08:36:29

I have a story, “The Zombies of Kilimanjaro”, in the upcoming anthology from Bizarro Press.  I just did an interview with Etienne DeForest, whose most recent book was Texas Biker Zombies From Outer Space, a choose-your-own-adventure book about a zombie outbreak. … Continue reading →

New flash fiction at Horror Sleaze Trash

Published on 2012-04-08 11:56:36

I have a new piece of flash fiction, “Dwarf Meth Madness, Again”, over at Horror Sleaze Trash. I’m very happy to get a piece in HST, as it constantly publishes high-caliber Bukowskian poetry and fiction. This story is tangentially related … Continue reading →

New Story, “Peak Oil”, at The Mustache Factor

Published on 2012-04-07 11:34:17

I have a new story at The Mustache Factor.  It’s called “Peak Oil”, and it’s about a guy whose sexual perversion involves watching people pump gas. I think I wrote this the same week I read J.G. Ballard’s Crash, which … Continue reading →

New Story at In Between Altered States

Published on 2012-04-02 22:10:24

I’ve got a new piece of flash fiction over at In Between Altered States.  It’s called “The Locality Principle” and is actually something that dates back to when I was hashing out Rumored.  Check it out here: http://inbetweenalteredstates.wordpress.com/2012/04/02/the-locality-principle-by-jon-konrath/ Also, Paragraph … Continue reading →

This is like a dog trying to crap a peach pit

Published on 2012-03-30 08:45:23

I was trying to pitch a sitcom yesterday at Pixar about Norwegian church burnings, and the reception area had this huge bowl of Up-themed promotional anal beads.  ”Tax write-off,” said Rayat Beherduk, my screenwriting partner.  (I don’t know as much about … Continue reading →

Goodbye, iUniverse

Published on 2012-03-23 09:00:48

No, iUniverse isn’t going out of business.   (Well, maybe they are – I haven’t checked.)  I’ve just decided to pull my books from iUniverse. I’ve done three books with them, and the idea of print on demand radically changed … Continue reading →

New story: “I Believe I Can Flee the State”

Published on 2012-03-22 17:00:19

I’ve got yet another story over at Justin Grimbol’s site, His Cock is Money.  It’s called “I Believe I Can Flee the State”.  If you’ve never read a story about R. Kelly in a high-speed car chase with a stolen … Continue reading →

Summer Rain, now on kindle

Published on 2012-03-18 12:14:21

So I spend all week editing a book that’s set in Indiana University, and my news feeds explode with news about IU basketball. Weird how that works sometimes. Anyway, I’m proud to announce that my first book, Summer Rain, is … Continue reading →

Review: Editorial by Arthur Graham

Published on 2012-03-17 16:48:27

I’m sick of plot. I mean, I’m sick of the unshakeable, so-called undeniable truth that books have to have three acts, a hero’s journey, twelve points, three trials, or whatever the hell archaic structure every hack writer regurgitating genre fiction … Continue reading →

Summer Rain Redux

Published on 2012-03-15 17:30:56

I’ve spent the last few days doing something somewhat monotonous and incredibly nostalgic: importing the manuscript for Summer Rain into Scrivener.  The import itself wasn’t difficult, except that the original book was written in emacs, which meant every single line … Continue reading →

New Story: “The Gamecube Junkie Abortionist’s Revenge”

Published on 2012-03-07 17:10:53

I’ve got a new story that was posted online.  It’s called “The Gamecube Junkie Abortionist’s Revenge”, and it’s over on Justin Grimbol’s site, His Cock is Money.  This story involves beer-filled aquariums, Nintendo abortionists, a derailed train, and Budd Dwyer … Continue reading →

Windows 8 is the next Microsoft Bob

Published on 2012-03-05 17:16:50

I just installed the Windows 8 preview in a VM and tried it out.  My first impression: these people do not get it. Here’s the deal: Windows 8 is basically Windows 7 with the Windows Phone Metro UI slapped on … Continue reading →

And So It Goes

Published on 2012-03-04 18:52:05

I just finished reading And So It Goes, Charles J. Shields’ biography of Kurt Vonnegut, and have mixed feelings and unchecked nostalgia. The mixed feelings part: the book was somewhat lopsided, but I liked it more than most of the … Continue reading →

Win a free copy of The Earworm Inception

Published on 2012-02-27 17:18:25

Want to win a free copy of my new book The Earworm Inception? I’m running a book giveaway on Goodreads.  If you enter, you have a chance of winning one of three print copies. (Fine print: you have to be … Continue reading →

Into the Wild

Published on 2012-02-25 18:02:20

So I finally saw the movie Into the Wild last weekend.  I’d read the book a while back, and was curious how they’d make a movie out of it, but not curious enough to actually go to the theater.  (I … Continue reading →

Bank of Fucking America

Published on 2012-02-20 13:09:18

Here is a quick example of why customer surveys don’t work, and why I should not be allowed to complete them after taking heroic doses of allergy medication. Okay, I have been a Bank of America customer since 1995, which … Continue reading →

Zen and the Art of Breathing Wrong

Published on 2012-02-18 13:37:15

I guess I breathe wrong.  I’ve known this for a while, but I think every shrink I’ve ever met has told me I need to breathe deeper or take a meditation class or something.  This week, my breathing is worse … Continue reading →

Fieldstones and Moleskines

Published on 2012-02-16 17:00:22

I know I said I don’t do new year resolutions, and I don’t.  But one of the things I’ve been trying to do – it’s more of a course-correction for my post-40 memory loss – is writing down every damn … Continue reading →

Twenty years of e-publishing

Published on 2012-02-11 00:00:38

I have been e-publishing for just a few days shy of twenty years.  Not twenty months.  Twenty years. Back in 1989, my friend Ray started a zine.  We listened to a lot of obscure metal, thrash and death metal, and … Continue reading →

Muy Dangeroso

Published on 2012-02-09 20:33:12

My neighbor, a 14-year-old gay Puerto Rican boy named Raul, knocked on my door, dressed as Howard Cosell. Raul had some weird cosplay issues, and frequently went to The Ramrod in Chelsea dressed as a member of the Houston Oilers … Continue reading →

New story in Weirdyear: “The Log Lady Incident”

Published on 2012-02-03 08:49:17

I’ve got a new story in Weirdyear called “The Log Lady Incident”.  Check it out here: http://www.weirdyear.com/2012/02/2312.html Favorite paragraph: “YOUR MOTHER SUCKS HER GUATEMALAN OPTOMETRIST!” We sat at a 4-way stop, and Odin kept screaming insults at a group of … Continue reading →

Longest Novel Ever

Published on 2012-01-27 16:57:23

I’ve been vaguely thinking about scraping some of the old essays I’ve posted here and turning them into a book, so I imported all of my old entries on rumored from 1997 to present into Scrivener just to see what … Continue reading →

The Allure of Used Media

Published on 2012-01-26 18:32:07

I was just reading today about some rumors surrounding the system that’s being called, for lack of a better name, the XBox 720.  It’s supposed to be coming out in late 2013 or 2014, which is bad for a couple … Continue reading →

41

Published on 2012-01-20 10:53:10

I turn 41 today. Five years ago, I ate dinner at Per Se in New York.  I had a twelve-course meal that cost something like $750.  Then I went home and watched the movie Idiocracy.  Then my iTunes library crashed, … Continue reading →

The Cult of Keyboards

Published on 2012-01-14 13:07:34

As I approach the end of my 40th year, my body is falling apart.  Okay, that may be an over-exaggeration, but every morning, it feels like another piece has been overextended or abused or mutilated, from the various discs in … Continue reading →

My new book, The Earworm Inception, also in paperback

Published on 2012-01-12 07:54:37

You know that new book I posted about the other day?  Well, the print version is now available, too.  So if you’re not cool with all this kindle stuff and still like to read your books dead tree style, check … Continue reading →

List of Books I Have Not Completed

Published on 2012-01-09 08:11:09

As I mentioned in my last post, I have a new book out. It’s called The Earworm Inception, and it’s only 99 cents on the Kindle.  So please go check that out. This book is the latest in a series … Continue reading →

Changing Gears

Published on 2011-07-01 13:50:21

I haven’t been writing.  Probably haven’t put word to paper in at least two weeks.  Normally, this would have me freaking the fuck out, going to see shrinks, getting pills, doing exercises, buying books, studying courses, dissecting plo

My new book, Fistful of Pizza, is available now

Published on 2011-06-17 17:13:13

I am happy to announce that my new book, Fistful of Pizza, is now available at the following places: On the Kindle for only 99 cents here. In print at Lulu.com for $7.50 here. Here’s the answers to some questions … Continue reading →

We Built This City On Rock And Roll, Motherfuckers

Published on 2011-06-16 19:09:24

[Editor's note: I listened to the aforementioned song 37 times while writing this.] We watched the video, a mix of the audio of the Jefferson Starship (or Starship, or Jefferson Airplane, or Jefferson Dirigible, or whatever they were called that R

Random bitching about Lulu, and why print is dead

Published on 2011-06-12 13:26:17

I am publishing a book of short stories momentarily.  The initial thought was to pull together a bunch of the stories I’d published elsewhere, and make a nice little 99 cent download on the Kindle.  And I’d make that a … Continue

Thoughts on a random picture: The Student Building

Published on 2011-06-11 13:15:18

I went back to storage the other day and dug out two books of prints, most of which were unscanned.  There’s still at least one box of prints somewhere in there that I didn’t find, and I have no time … Continue reading →

10 things I learned from the Lemmy documentary

Published on 2011-06-10 18:54:41

I’ve been a fan of the band Motorhead for over 25 years now.  When I was a freshman in high school, I used to watch the British comedy show The Young Ones on MTV, when they used to show it … Continue reading →

The pros and cons of storage

Published on 2011-06-08 18:29:08

I went to my storage locker the other day, to drop off one of those plastic tupperware bins filled with old 8-bit computer pieces and a half-dozen MiniDisc players in varying states of decay.  I have this locker that’s about … Continue r

Thoughts on a random picture: The Turismo

Published on 2011-06-04 13:54:26

I have a million pictures in iPhoto.  (Really, 18,035 as of this morning.)  I will never use them for anything, but I spend a lot of time looking at them, dredging up nostalgia that never makes it onto these pages. … Continue reading →

City Lights Run

Published on 2011-06-02 08:46:57

On Memorial Day, we decided to run into “the city”, although I hate sounding like one of those bridge and tunnel types that refer to San Francisco as “the city”, because I happen to actually live in A city, but … Continu

The Agony of Defeat

Published on 2011-05-28 13:04:25

I’m so depressed about the baseball season right now.  The Rockies have catastrophically failed in almost every aspect, and I don’t foresee it getting much better any time soon.  And if they had a bad start, and continued a slump …

20 Facts About Baseball You Didn’t Know

Published on 2011-05-24 17:34:41

1) PNC Park, home to the Pittsburgh Pirates, was built on what was later identified as an American Indian burial ground belonging to the Shelmikedmus nation. Since its construction, the Pirates have not had a winning season. 2) No player in histor

Extreme Hoarding

Published on 2011-05-22 13:28:55

Yesterday I caught about an episode and a half of this show Extreme Couponing and felt maybe 10% intrigue and 90% anxiety and terror.  If you haven’t seen the show, the basic rundown: they follow maybe two families a show, with … Contin

Interview at Kindle Author

Published on 2011-05-20 08:48:59

Just a quick note: I did an interview with David Wiseheart over at the Kindle Author web site, in which I talk about Rumored to Exist, future problem solving, Raymond Federman, and prank phone calls. Check it out here: http://kindle-author.blogspot.c

Please Shut the Fuck Up About the Rapture

Published on 2011-05-19 18:42:29

Everyone is talking about how the world is ending on Saturday.  It’s like the Sarah Palin of news stories right now: incredibly embarrassing, and something that won’t go away if you keep talking about it.  So of course I’m going &

The Retail Race to the Bottom

Published on 2011-05-18 17:01:47

The Borders by my house looks like a food warehouse two years after the apocalypse started.  I went a few weeks ago, when the sign dudes stood on the corner with the “ALL TITLES 40-60% OFF”, hoping to snag an … Continue reading 

Rumored to Exist excerpt part 5

Published on 2011-05-13 08:07:14

I’ve recently released my book Rumored to Exist as an eBook on the Kindle and other e-readers, for only $2.99.  I’ll be running some excerpts here to let you take a look.  For more info, see this post or go to http://rumored.com/rumo

Rumored to Exist excerpt part 4

Published on 2011-05-12 08:37:36

I’ve recently released my book Rumored to Exist as an eBook on the Kindle and other e-readers, for only $2.99.  I’ll be running some excerpts here to let you take a look.  For more info, see this post or go to http://rumored.com/rumo

Rumored to Exist excerpt part 3

Published on 2011-05-11 17:12:37

I’ve recently released my book Rumored to Exist as an eBook on the Kindle and other e-readers, for only $2.99.  I’ll be running some excerpts here to let you take a look.  For more info, see this post or go to http://rumored.com/rumo

Rumored to Exist excerpt part 2

Published on 2011-05-10 08:30:44

I’ve recently released my book Rumored to Exist as an eBook on the Kindle and other e-readers, for only $2.99.  I’ll be running some excerpts here to let you take a look.  For more info, see this post or go to http://rumored.com/rumo

Rumored to Exist excerpt part 1

Published on 2011-05-09 08:31:32

I’ve recently released my book Rumored to Exist as an eBook on the Kindle and other e-readers, for only $2.99.  I’ll be running some excerpts here to let you take a look.  For more info, see this post or go … Continue reading U

Rumored to Exist eBook Now Available

Published on 2011-05-07 18:15:27

“One day in 1971, Ozzy and Tony Iommi took 47 hits of acid and just outside of Newark, New Jersey accidentally found the giant tablets of gold from which the Mormon religion was founded.  They decided it would be wise … Continue reading U

The Death of Death

Published on 2011-05-03 19:10:51

I was in the allergy clinic last week, waiting for my arm to swell up until it looked like it took a Justin Verlander fastball, and I saw some magazine with a cover story about man reaching immortality. I didn’t … Continue reading →

10 Ways to Lose Weight by Organ Donation

Published on 2011-04-29 18:52:42

Dr. Doom put out his cig in a Parke-Davis Neurontin ashtray, and grabbed a clipboard with my file. “This new scanner port uses the same OBD-2 female 16-pin J1962 connector as all American cars manufactured after 1996. You can send … Conti

List: 30 Ways to Reach First Base

Published on 2011-04-26 17:17:13

Hit a single. Reach on an error. Walk on four balls. Get hit by a pitch. Catcher drops the ball after the third strike. Fan interference. Catcher interference. A pitching infraction that results in a 4th ball. A pitched ball … Continue reading

Mexican Cricket Transmission Fluid Junkie

Published on 2011-04-21 21:01:33

I’d do the same thing every weekend: get high on fiber, design a robot. No, I’d come home from work, Friday night.  I didn’t know anyone in Jet City because I spent all of my free time trying to shoot … Continue reading ͛

On writing tools

Published on 2011-04-17 13:36:31

In my last post, I talked about my old standby writing tool, emacs, and how I’ve made a gradual break from it.  So here’s what I’ve been doing. First, there was a recent stream of different full-screen writing tools dumped …

The Death of Emacs

Published on 2011-04-16 13:50:36

I’ve been too busy to do anything over here, too busy and slightly sick for a few days.  I’m trying to get caught up on 19 things today, and of course it’s a beautiful, sunny day out, and I think … Continue reading →

New Review Over at Metal Curse

Published on 2011-04-14 08:58:06

It’s been a long time since I’ve done any music reviews, and it’s been an even longer time since I’ve written anything for Ray Miller’s Metal Curse.  But Ray sent me the new album from Boris, the Japanese experimental/m

The 15-minute rule of pizza delivery no longer applies post-zombie apocalypse

Published on 2011-04-10 17:46:54

“Bruce Lee never fought Machoman Randy Savage,” I said.  I scanned the horizon outside the combination laundromat/bait shop/mini-McDonald’s with a set of night vision googles.  Fifty meters out, we rigged up a complex barrier syst

List: 14 Product Variations That Never Got Past Focus Group Testing

Published on 2011-04-08 17:10:02

Cap’n Crunch Atlantic Cod Crunch Berries Olde English 800 Sport malt liquor with electrolytes Lego Postal Rampage playset The McDonald’s McHaggis, turnips, and fries value meal Old Spice Pure Sport scented enema The Capital One Planned Pa

World War Z

Published on 2011-04-06 19:02:47

I just finished reading World War Z, which means I’m like three years late to the zombie party, right? Well, fuck you. I was like fifteen years early. I was memorizing the locations of balconies and gun-selling sporting goods stores … Con

New post over at Chin Musik

Published on 2011-03-31 08:12:13

More guest bloggin’ going on over at chinmusik.net, just in time for the start of the baseball season.  Go check out Between Pitches for some nostalgia about my first baseball game ever, and why I’m now obsessed with the sport. … C

Cleveland Hopkins’ Fistful of Pizza

Published on 2011-03-30 18:00:45

I rented a room at the Vista Hotel in DC on January 18th to celebrate Marion Barry’s crack cocaine arrest with her, found an old black and white camcorder to hide in the wall, and bought enough narcotics to keep … Continue reading →

Review: My War by Colby Buzzell

Published on 2011-03-23 08:41:41

I wasn’t set to go down the military history wormhole and start reading books about Iraq, but while I was going through one of the Henry Rollins journal books, he mentioned Buzzell’s memoir, and I picked up a copy.  Going … Continu

Strange Nostalgia for Lost Electronics

Published on 2011-03-22 08:32:38

I get a lot of shit for the “museum of obsolete technology” I have in our storage locker right now, the electronic toys I’m paying $30 a month to not see.  But I’ve pared down almost all of that inventory … Continue rea

Escape from Alcatraz

Published on 2011-03-20 12:57:08

Last night, we took the night tour at Alcatraz.  The night tour is the best time to go; it leaves the dock at about 6:45, and they have more tour guides there, plus you get to see everything at night, … Continue reading →

Rare reports of tongue discoloration

Published on 2011-03-17 19:09:04

I’m sick.  Strep throat.  It happened suddenly, this urge to drink a gallon of water every five minutes, then a difficulty swallowing.  I didn’t wait for it to play out, and got in to a doctor right away.  They’ve had … Co

List: possible zombie book ideas for future use

Published on 2011-03-15 18:57:33

Zombie Jesus Zombie Ernest Hemingway Zombie Mama Cass Zombie Jethro Tull Zombie Joey Ramone Zombie Jesse Ventura Zombie Jerry Lewis Zombie Veterinarian Zombie Les Paul Zombie Ayn Rand Zombie Kim Jong Il Zombie Slum Landlord Zombie Transvestite hooker

Plane wreckage in the 49th state

Published on 2011-03-14 08:52:07

There are currently two things that every single show on cable must be based on at this moment: either making cupcakes, or Alaska.  I went to AK in 2006, and found it interesting, although now it’s a much harder sell … Continue reading &

Blackout drinking at the top of the CN tower is not my forte

Published on 2011-03-12 13:00:55

It took me an hour and a half to check into the hotel, one of those posh lobbies full of dark mahogany clear-cut from some Nicaraguan shithole village, sawn and polished to a high sheen by forced labor and shipped … Continue reading →

Guest blogging over at Chin Musik

Published on 2011-03-08 22:09:36

Randy Howard’s a fellow writer, baseball fan (well, Yankees fan), and has had a good thing going over at his blog, Chin Musik, talking about life and all things creatively nonfictional. He’s recently expanded his platform a bit, and has &

Snow White and Enduraflex

Published on 2011-03-08 18:25:49

I watched a documentary a bit ago on the Baltimore Colts marching band, which I guess continued to exist after the Colts left town for Indianapolis in 1984. (It was part of ESPN’s “30 for 30″ series. I find that … Continue rea

40% of all UFO sightings that lead to anal coring of cattle take place on a Monday or Friday

Published on 2011-03-05 12:38:29

We loaded all of the UFO-hunting gear into a former U-Haul truck, the kind where the big logos on the side were painted over with orange house paint, but you could still tell it used to be a U-Haul, kind … Continue reading →

OV-103

Published on 2011-03-01 21:51:29

I don’t know how I remembered it, and managed to do the time calculation correctly, but last week, about five minutes before it happened, I suddenly realized it was the day of the last Discovery Space Shuttle launch.  And my … Continue r

9 Tips on Surviving Your Fantasy Baseball Draft

Published on 2011-02-25 08:58:02

Forget Libya.  Forget work.  And forget anything you normally ignore, like family, friends, or the federal agents who have been sitting outside your house in an unmarked Crown Vic for two weeks. It’s time for all of us hardcore baseball fans

5 Reasons MovieFone Will Feature Snuff Films by 2020

Published on 2011-02-22 07:54:25

“It’s all fake,” he said. “You can tell they’re faking it. It’s total bullshit.” We sat in Danny’s office, looking at a flickering streamed video beamed onto his SuperDuperUltraUltimateAMOLED screen, watching a group of street punks d

The Blood Pool

Published on 2011-02-18 19:01:08

Me and Danny cut history class, watched the R. Budd Dwyer video on repeat for hours – the gun from the envelope, the wave-off, the bang, screams, a fountain of blood running out of his mouth. We’d watch it in … Continue reading U

You can’t sell season tickets if your team is named the Tampa Bay Dulcolax Laxative Suppositories

Published on 2011-02-15 18:27:57

The aging AirBus, painted to look like a double-decker McShit sandwich (some new promotion involving former comedian and deposed Djiboutian leader Sinbad, who now did commercials from his stronghold in Guam) flew into the newly renamed Old Dirty Bast

Hot Dog on a Motherfucking Stick

Published on 2011-02-14 08:42:55

I went to LA this weekend.  It was a quick mission – we flew out Saturday afternoon, flew back Sunday night.  Just long enough to get a taste, and to get the cats pissed off that we abandoned them (although … Continue reading →

The Curse of Ancient Writing

Published on 2011-02-11 17:29:16

Something like 87 years ago, my friend Ray Miller had a zine.  A zine is like a tumblr account, except it’s on dead trees, and instead of pictures you take of your own tits with a cell phone camera, it … Continue reading →

List: Countries That Don’t Extradite, With Best Broadband And Mercedes Dealerships

Published on 2011-02-09 18:07:28

The following is a list of the top 25 countries that do not have extradition treaties with the United States, ranked by broadband scores (Broadband ranking here, using download speeds only) and indicating if they have a Mercedes dealership. (Note: T

Bozo R. Budd John Wayne Gacy Dwyer and the Inevitable Meltdown of Mets Pitching

Published on 2011-02-08 22:51:30

Brad got on the local version of the Bozo show somehow, maybe through his parent’s connections with a local drug cartel, which I didn’t find out about until years later when his parents split town and the FBI ripped holes … Continue reading

Rick Astley covered “Ain’t Too Proud to Beg”, and that worked out great for him

Published on 2011-02-06 12:43:39

It’s Superbowl Sunday, and I’m eating some horrible Valentine’s heart candies, the sort that are made out of chalk and say stupid stuff like “be mine” on them, which of course reminds me of the time me and Larry were 

Why I Avoid Answering Phone Calls From the 93 Country Code

Published on 2011-02-05 12:48:11

I don’t know why I answered the phone. I’d been asleep for something like 20 hours, in a green syrup segment of a long DayQuil/Nyquil marathon, mixing it with Tylenol PM and some experimental NMDA receptor antagonist my shrink gave …

Bad Greek Food, Mortuary School, and on the Keeping of Human Slaves

Published on 2011-02-02 17:00:57

“Knoxville Mortuary and Paralegal – the best six god damned years of my life,” Jim said, downing his tenth kamikaze in the six minutes since I met him. His clammy fist slammed the shot glass against the bar as he … Continue re

New Story at Weirdyear

Published on 2011-01-29 12:26:20

My story “With Sleep, All Things Are Possible” was published today over at Weirdyear.  Check it out here: http://www.weirdyear.com/2011/01/12911.html.  And if you like my style of writing in general, check out their other writing. If yo

Why I do not subscribe to Hallucinogenics Aficionado

Published on 2011-01-27 17:18:27

I sat in the doctor’s office waiting room, reading an issue of Time from 1947 that promised flying cars Any Day Now. My phone beeped, with a text from Her about Pizza Hut, but I ignored it, engrossed with an … Continue reading →

The City of Lights and Massages

Published on 2011-01-25 19:10:46

I got in the cab after no line at all in front of McCarran airport, a first, even when I came out to Vegas a few weeks after 9/11, when people in rural Arkansas thought the Taliban would probably fly … Continue reading →

40

Published on 2011-01-20 10:53:39

I am 40 today.  Actually, at the very minute this blog post is made (10:53 CST), 40 years ago, I was born at Grand Forks Air Force Base, North Dakota. 40 years.  40 god damned years.  I don’t believe that. … Continue reading →

8 myths about explosives that Hollywood wants you to believe

Published on 2011-01-17 16:28:29

Very few people celebrate my birthday on my birthday.  They typically observe it on the Monday before my birthday so they can have a three-day weekend.  That is why all of the banks and the post office and the stock … Continue reading →

Robot Kim Jong Il and the Fist Fuckers of Doom

Published on 2011-01-14 14:34:29

I almost bought a baseball pitching machine yesterday.  Well, not really, but I sat in this sporting goods store in Emeryville – Sports Annex or Sports Center or Sports Fucker or something, I pass by it every time I go … Continue reading

Amateur radiology and faceless examples

Published on 2011-01-13 19:15:18

I have a printout of some random PDF that illustrates twelve stretching exercises I am supposed to do to prevent repetitive stress injury.  I never do them, because I always forget, but that’s not the point.  The point is, the … Continu

If People Can Eat Blood Pudding, I Can Say I’m a Writer on my Tax Return

Published on 2011-01-12 08:19:17

[Ed. note: This originally ran on drunkenscrawl.com in 2001.] I never planned on being a writer. I didn’t go through the usual sequence of events: grade-school poetry books, systematic barbiturate abuse, ritual castration, and endless memoriz

Assault on the Aerie of the Asbergers

Published on 2011-01-09 12:30:49

We went out yesterday for lunch at this Burmese place (which was thankfully not renamed a Myanmarian place which would completely screw up the GPS, which would probably tell us to drive 5,427 miles on I-90, take three left turns, … Continue rea

I’d hate to be a piece of furniture in Steve Ballmer’s office this week

Published on 2011-01-08 13:01:36

The Mac App Store launched Thursday, and Herman Miller stock went up two points in anticipation of all of the chairs Steve Ballmer has probably been throwing at people this week.  There’s no way the sweaty-pitted Microsoft CEO isn’t beat

My Brother Died in a Clown Car Crash, You Douchebag

Published on 2011-01-04 08:47:10

[Ed. note: This originally ran on drunkenscrawl.com in 2001.] I just got back from watching Godzilla is One Bad Motherfucker, starring Samuel L. Jackson. I went with a bunch of people from my Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, and we all got … Conti

The Satanist’s Guide to Green Investing, Second Edition

Published on 2011-01-03 13:04:51

One of my new year’s resolutions is to get a reality show of mine picked up on the upcoming motorized combative sports channel that Viacom is trying to get off the ground in 2012.  I’ve been reading all of these … Continue reading

2010 in books

Published on 2011-01-02 18:22:29

In 2003, I made a list of every book I read that year.  (It’s here.)  I haven’t done this since for a few reasons, although laziness is the biggest one.  Also, I don’t read as much as I should, and … Continue reading →

2010, we hardly knew ye

Published on 2011-01-01 19:25:55

2010 has come to a close, and I am getting a slow trickle of end-of-year letters and holiday cards in the old fashioned paper format, both things I always wish I would do, except I think about them roughly two … Continue reading →