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New Blog
Published on 2012-01-23 02:30:00
http://brokenlineofbeing.blogspot.com/ > read more
i will never forgive myself
Published on 2011-10-17 13:23:00
i didnt hlp the horses. i made them worse. i wanted to ride them didnt i. i wanted to sit on to of them. when they were so tired. so tired and so sore. but i wanted to ride. i wanted to use them. i didnt see how hurt they were. oh the look in their eyes. so hurt. so tired. Read more > read more
Psychoanalysis and Breastfeeding.
Published on 2011-10-15 09:19:00
The other day i watched a program about breast feeding. Mothers who were breastfeeding their babies, infants, toddlers and children Read more > read more
The White Baby.
Published on 2011-10-12 12:31:00
Today was the first session after "the break" I cant say much about it because most times I couldnt speak and when I did speak it made no sense. Somehow ot came about that I replied to her "yes I do think you have done this because are sadistic and cruel." Read more > read more
The schizoid state is born out of soul destroying disappointment.
Published on 2011-10-09 08:42:00
There is an interesting book I am reading right now called "The Analytic Experience" Two chapters really interested me so far. About psychosis and the other is about Ronald Fairbrain. Read more > read more
The Child That Never Existed.
Published on 2011-10-07 09:58:00
My Birth-day. The day I was born as a Nothing. Read more > read more
9 more days.
Published on 2011-10-04 16:45:00
A dream I had last night my friend had a baby. it was tiny, it as as tiny as a nut.she came to show me her baby. i had totally forgotten that she had a baby. Read more > read more
10 more days to go.
Published on 2011-10-03 00:55:00
Therapist is leaving today. I phoned her last night to .... not sure why... I wanted to phone to say good bye, consciously I thought that is what I wanted to do. Read more > read more
The therapist drew pictures.
Published on 2011-09-30 12:31:00
Today was the last session before the week break. Now the therapist will be gone from Monday until next Monday. Some time at the beginning of the session when Read more > read more
You are not just a Mind, You also have a Body. No! I am a No-Body!
Published on 2011-09-29 08:24:00
I have been in physical pain for most of my life but never really noticed it. Sometimes the pain gets more painful or maybe I am just more aware of it. Read more > read more
To the therapist - Mercy
Published on 2011-07-02 02:04:00
I almost had forgotten your name. The moths gnawing away at my skin – the only memory of you. A head filled with such emptiness. Its not easy to remember the birth of your words. Read more > read more
What is Dissociative Identity Disorder awareness really about?
Published on 2011-07-01 00:32:00
Some people who live with DID feel that wearing a T shirt or having a car sticker on their car reading 'DID', helps with public awareness, and me being me ... I question that. Read more > read more
There is no such thing as a baby
Published on 2011-06-28 11:41:00
Suicide is always just below the surface and now and again it penetrates this new skin of mine. Just like tonight. I am still not sure though whether it is a feeling or whether I actually want to die. I want to die, so it tells me. Read more > read more
Shame is one’s own vicarious experience of the other’s scorn
Published on 2011-06-28 02:26:00
Some quotes I have collected in the last few weeks on shame... Read more > read more
Never speak to those people
Published on 2011-06-27 15:13:00
I should have never spoken to those people. I said to much. All they want to hear is what goes on inside me and with me so they can be satisfied. They dont care about me. they are all selfish and liars. Read more > read more
Abortion
Published on 2011-06-26 06:51:00
You ripped the umbilical cord from your tummy. Just like that. Without any thought or feelings. You ripped it off so you could be free. Free to go and leave me. And all the blood is gushing out. Read more > read more
The basement. Hiding from the therapist’s hurt.
Published on 2011-06-25 01:35:00
Today I am out of the ‘state’ I was in yesterday. In Liv’s reply to me she posted a poem in Catatonic Shield and this poem really spoke it so beautifully. A state of being that has no words. A swoon. Read more > read more
Catatonic shield
Published on 2011-06-24 08:52:00
basement. stillness. you dont know how many deaths i am dying Read more > read more
I feel pain. Or is feeling causing pain?
Published on 2011-06-23 14:21:00
I feel something inside of me. I feel. And I think it is pain. Or is it just a feeling, and I am not used to feeling a feeling? Read more > read more
i have a mum
Published on 2011-06-22 16:17:00
i have a mum. she says she doesnt forget me. i have a mum. i am here in my house but a little bit away from me in a different house is my mum and i dont have to feel sad because she said that she doesnt forget about me. Read more > read more
Papa
Published on 2011-06-20 14:55:00
he’s my i and I am his me separated we die together we are free Read more > read more
I am a liar and an actress. And an attention seeker
Published on 2011-06-19 04:27:00
I am a liar. I make all this up. I put on a show to get attention. From my friend and from the therapist. I dont have 'Others'. I have no one called Lisa and Maria. And they are not sisters. Read more > read more
Email To Therapist: The Children
Published on 2011-06-19 01:07:00
Please don’t reply to this email. I just wanted to say thank you that you bothered with Lisa [I think she spoke to you yesterday? I am not sure] and Maria yesterday. Read more > read more
Dream: My Mum's House
Published on 2011-06-18 11:09:00
To the therapist. I had a dream about you and me. I only ever had one dream about you before so I think this one is important. I was in your room. you were there. you were busy doing things in your room, in your house. Read more > read more
Psychic death
Published on 2011-06-17 23:12:00
Truly terrible things are waiting to be re-experienced. Feelings and picture memories are waiting to be re-connected. And all I can do is let them use my body and mind to express themselves. Read more > read more
Weekends, Psychotherapy, Attachment and Murder.
Published on 2011-06-17 00:03:00
This post contains a picture that some might find disturbing. I cant believe that I am actually admitting that my weird behaviour over the weekends could actually have something to do with the fact that parts of me are attached to the therapist. This > read more
I don't have a mum who loves me
Published on 2011-06-16 14:46:00
and that makes me sad. Read more > read more
What happened in the first two years?
Published on 2011-06-15 15:14:00
I feel so drained. So so drained. I think I will never be able to feel comfortable with the therapist. It is not her fault. It is because of me. I feel so tired that I cant even think straight. I cant think at all. How did my attachment go wrong when > read more
Nothingness. I don’t matter.
Published on 2011-06-14 07:15:00
This was taped 6.6.2011. I bring with me a picture I painted. Made out of black paint and my blood. Read more > read more
Therapists, clients and all the shit inbetween
Published on 2011-06-13 12:43:00
I don’t know what to write about today’s session. Does it sound stupid if I say I wasn’t myself? Yes it does. What exactly was I? Difficult? Or was I not really me but someone else? And don’t you just hate it when the therapist suddenly talks > read more
I will not be controlled. And that makes you furious.
Published on 2011-06-12 04:19:00
So this post is about control. Triggered by recent emails I have been getting from someone who cannot stop attacking me. So control. Huge subject for me. Read more > read more
Alcohol & Food - This Is How I Shut The Baby Up.
Published on 2011-06-11 14:12:00
My baby. The baby within me. Some time ago, the therapist asked me why I felt sick. I said I eaten too much. ‘Something you did not want to eat?’ Yes… I didn’t want to eat it. As a matter of fact I was full to the top, I could have easily puk > read more
Playing with the therapist.
Published on 2011-06-10 11:10:00
I am very fortunate to have a therapist who is not afraid to be…to be… courageous. I always thought she was so cold and indifferent. I always thought she was a typical cold psychoanalyst. But I was wrong. Read more > read more
To the therapist. You and I should die.
Published on 2011-06-09 13:19:00
it is about being human. i was not allowed to be human. make human mistakes. everything human was not good enough and always wrong and bad. everything was always wrong bad and disgusting. unacceptable. not good enough Read more > read more
Trying Movement In Therapy.
Published on 2011-06-08 14:45:00
Today’s session was so containing. The therapist was so kind. I have a bad headache, sore throat, burnig eyes and sore cheeks and a sore jaw, I feel so drained but I feel happy. One of my problems in therapy, apart from never being able to have any > read more
Email to therapist
Published on 2011-06-07 22:57:00
I needed to write to you I have been up since for ages. I am scared. anxiety and feelings. I dont want to be a human being but it looks i have no choice in that matter. i was dead now being born again and it hurts. It hurts so much. To know that I am > read more
Psychosis caused by getting in touch with reality.
Published on 2011-06-07 15:51:00
I am starting to feel. I think I am actually starting to get a feeling and I am able to stay present. I am not sure if that is what happens because I have no idea what it feels like to have a feeling and be present. But the therapist says that is wha > read more
I am not psychotic–this is me touching reality.
Published on 2011-06-06 11:11:00
Psychotherapy is a strange and confusing conundrum at the best of times but I am now actually feeling that I will soon lose my mind completely. I cant write much about todays session but the therapist is not bad. I am constantly in this schizoid real > read more
To Get Or Not to Get, That Is the Question.
Published on 2011-06-05 03:21:00
This post will be difficult to write because it will be a complicated post. Strange because it is so simple really. So yesterday was yet again another ‘difficult’ and ‘eventful’ Saturday night. I must have been in great distress. Very great d > read more
Therapy this morning - Hole in the head comes to mind.
Published on 2011-06-03 02:12:00
Other things that come to mind are: pointless, fake, unable to change [both her and me], unable to hold the Need even though she wants my Need. Every word and expression shared with her is wasted, truly wasted, she is unable to feel for me, I am kill > read more
Therapy - My Work - My Passion
Published on 2011-06-02 13:22:00
We work in the dark. We do what we can – we give what we have. Our doubt is our passion , and our passion is our task. – James Henry Read more > read more
Unconscious Envy Wants to Destroy
Published on 2011-06-01 02:23:00
The lady doth protest too much, methinks In the discussion area of this blog Click here to enter discussion area under General Chat, you will be able to see how another person’s envy wants to spoil something that is precious to me, my blog and > read more
What do you see in this drawing?
Published on 2011-05-30 07:29:00
I will not disclose anything about this drawing, where I got it from and who drew it. How old they were, male or female etc. I am just interested if people have opinions about it. I wonder what other people see in this drawing? I also wonder what th > read more
I am a manipulative predator
Published on 2011-05-29 03:25:00
I am very cross today.I am so angry with myself. I am such a fucking pathetic little worm. Why can I not just stay myself instead of behaving like a needy little shit and talk like a fucking child? What the hell is wrong with my brain? I know what is > read more
I am petrified of the Evil Witch - Dream
Published on 2011-05-28 00:21:00
my cat ** was lost. i searched everywhere for her. one day this man came and handed me this rubber band. i knew it was very important. he said this rubber band was around 'Clickys' neck. a cat who was very similar to ** except that Clicky was > read more
The Feral Child - she might never heal.
Published on 2011-05-27 09:16:00
This post is very difficult for me to write. I want to think and write about the part of me, the part of me that does not feel like a part of me, so distant yet I feel and see her just underneath my skin. I am so ashamed writing this. But I want to. > read more
The thing about the therapist is, she’s really brave.
Published on 2011-05-25 13:21:00
So, well. How many days have passed? Days seem like years squashed into seconds. And where am I when the time passes? Stuck in a land of all sorts surrounded by nobodies. Stone ornament, that is what I am. A stone ornament treasured by a mad man. A m > read more
I am a stone ornament.
Published on 2011-05-23 00:58:00
in my dream I lived with my dad. there were many people around me but no one could help me. dad was obsessed with me. drunk. he was always drunk. and obsessed with me. touching me not letting me out of his sight.Read more > read more
I Need A Mum
Published on 2011-05-20 14:17:00
I look around me and all I ever see is mums with their daughters. It makes me so sad. So so sad. I wish I had a mum. It hurts, sometimes it hurts. And today it hurts a lot. Read more > read more
Hospital for dissociation on the NHS?
Published on 2011-05-20 13:23:00
Does anyone know of an inpatient program for people who suffer from dissociation? Somewhere in England. On the NHS? I have been in touch with the local mental health team [who are useless] but the psychologist eventually sent a report to the psychiat > read more
Sharing therapy experiences - a leaky containment
Published on 2011-05-19 13:22:00
Well this is a weird one. I was half asleep earlier and suddenly I had this…. light bulb moment. I suddenly realised that talking or writing about my therapy experiences outside the therapy room AND outside myself Read more > read more
Today’s session: I was not there.
Published on 2011-05-18 13:45:00
Not sure at all what went on today. I tried to apologise for the other night when I phoned her. When I was drunk. She said I did not sound drunk at all and if I didn’t tell her she would never have known. Read more > read more
Cant contain this pain on my own.
Published on 2011-05-18 01:07:00
My cat Shadow was sick, she was very ill. I was able to calm her down and ease her pain when I held her and rocked her to sleep but her pain got worse. At one point the pain got so bad that she became delirious and couldn't walk straight. Read m > read more