Snark Scribe

Emotionally Unstable

Published on 2010-03-22 18:40:00

I am getting a wee bit tired of tip-toeing around the weird girl at work. She's very shy and quiet, and has self-esteem problems, so I've always been extra nice to her.I now realize that she is bat shit insane.I work for a government laboratory where everything is meticulously documented and triple-checked. It is standard protocol to review someone else's work and notify them to fix errors, even if it's something minor like forgetting to initial something.Recently, while working on a project I

The Proselytizer

Published on 2010-02-28 10:05:00

At my current job there was an employee who made everyone uncomfortable. She left religious pamphlets on desks. When she was told by management that it was inappropriate to do things like that at a government agency, she complained that it violated her religious freedom to be unable to violate other people's freedom to be free from being preached to at work.When she found out a co-worker was gay she told him it "would be a good idea" if he agreed to go to church with her. Afterwards, we start

Paranoia

Published on 2010-02-15 10:37:00

When I started working at my current job people told me about a former employee that had to be escorted out of the building on her last day.During her time at work it became painfully clear that she had some mental problems.She would stand outside doors, waiting for someone to let her in (instead of opening them herself) because "they're tracking me."She once passed a note to a co-worker that said, "I can't talk out loud. They're listening."I'm not sure if anyone figured out who "They" are. If s

5 Months?

Published on 2010-02-15 10:33:00

Someone spammed one of my posts with links to a porn site. When I got the notification I realized it's been nearly 5 months since I posted.Holy crap, where does the time go?Since my last post I have been knee-deep in moving, house repairs, cleaning, wedding planning, cleaning, overtime at work, cleaning . . .The good news is that being busy at a job means new crazy co-worker stories.

A Sigh of Relief

Published on 2009-09-30 08:36:00

For the past several months my fiance and I have been trying to buy a house.For the past month we have been dealing with unexpected delays, demands and other issues that have drained me of my spare time.Before this, I did not know there were so many people involved in the home-buying process that needed to coordinate their efforts. There was a realtor, realtor's assistant, mortgage broker, underwriter, home inspector, roof inspector, home appraiser, title officer, title officer's assistant, pro

A Terrible Name for Your Child

Published on 2009-08-29 23:18:00

A co-worker told me a story about a class he took in college. On the first day, the professor called roll. As he read off the list of names he reached one that gave him pause."Um," he said hesitantly, "I'm not sure how this is pronounced so I'll say it the way it's spelled. Is there a Shithead here?"A girl stood up and said, "Professor, it's pronounced Shuh-theed."

Leering and Staring

Published on 2009-08-22 12:47:00

At work we had to attend a sexual harassment prevention seminar. The speaker gave a Powerpoint presentation. One of the slides contained a list of inappropriate behavior, such as touching, gestures, leering and staring.The speaker told us that in a previous class a creeper said, "What? Leering and staring isn't sexual harassment! I do it all the time!"When met with shock, the creeper asked the speaker, "Come on, don't you leer and stare?" The answer was no.At the end of class the creeper wrote

Stupid Arguments

Published on 2009-08-18 23:04:00

I witnessed a man and a woman debating the merits of holes of different sizes. (I have no idea how this started). The woman was in favor of small holes while the man preferred large ones.Woman: "Yeah but large holes are like pot holes. It isn't cool to be driving and have your car go off the road because of some big ass hole in front of you."Man: "Hahaha. And tiger holes, don't they have spikes on the bottom?"Woman: "There's a low probability you'll step into a gopher hole but if you do you'

Shiny

Published on 2009-08-03 08:04:00

In the area I live in, a mortgage is cheaper than rent, so my fiance and I are hoping to buy a home. Our realtor's assistant picked up some paperwork from us the other day. He drove up in a brand new Porsche that still had the dealer's sticker.While we were in the parking lot together, a number of people walked by and openly admired the car.If even the realtor's assistant can afford a shiny new sports car, I think the current housing market must be treating agents very well.

Stalker Bus

Published on 2009-07-27 08:06:00

Hey Guys, this is a bad way to pick up a girl:On the bus I saw a man asking a female passenger miscellaneous questions about her life, and telling her about his. She was obviously bored, and trying to give him brief replies such as, "I guess" and "you know."As the bus neared its destination the guy decided to take a leap. He said, "So, do you have any stalkers?" (Translation, "I could fill that gap in your life.")She looked at him like he had tentacles sprouting out of his ears. "What?"He cla

Auntie Val

Published on 2009-07-05 23:23:00

I'm in the process of collecting names and addresses to send out save the date cards for my wedding. The list is mostly friends and close family, but there are some family members I've decided not to send an announcement to. One of those is my elderly "Auntie Val."When I graduated high school I sent announcements to many of my family, including Auntie Val. She responded with a very depressing letter. She told me how glad she was that I was pursuing my education, because she didn't have a cha

Barfight Sarah

Published on 2009-06-24 09:02:00

My co-worker, who enjoys regaling us with tales of her "redneck" family, has a cousin whose nickname is "Barfight Sarah."Her nose was broken during a tavern brawl, but she was too drunk to go to the hospital and have it set. Her nose healed in a crooked shape, and she had to get plastic surgery to fix it.Barfight Sarah is currently pregnant with her second child during her first year of marriage to a much younger man that the family suspects is a drug dealer.Kids, this is why you shouldn't drin

Overheard

Published on 2009-06-24 08:54:00

Parent to Child: " No, you can't have that. It has chocolate in it, which has sugar in it, which makes you crazy, which makes Daddy crazy."

Whistle While You Work

Published on 2009-06-19 08:00:00

I've been very busy the past two weeks working at my new job! I'm starting at a very interesting time.Next week the lab is being audited. The managers and supervisors are running around, making sure everyone has their paperwork up-to-date. Some of the training manuals and miscellaneous documentation that new employees take weeks or months to do, I need to do immediately.One of the supervisors calls me the "miracle child." Due to budget problems, lots of positions got cut - right after I got h

Psych Experiment

Published on 2009-06-04 12:27:00

A friend of mine has a very odd younger brother. At her birthday party he proudly told us about the psychological experiments he was conducting in public restrooms. Mainly, Pee Boy wanted to make people uncomfortable.Experiment 1: The Wide StancePee Boy spread his legs far enough to brush against the man in the next stall. Each time, the man would move away. PB would spread his legs further and further until the subject was urinating with his own feet together, to avoid touching him.Experime

Smurfy

Published on 2009-06-02 00:17:00

A peek into the type of weird conversations I have with my fiance:Fiance: "I wonder what color a Smurf would turn if you strangled it."Me: "Before or after it starts to rot?"Fiance: "Before of course."Me: "Are we assuming that it has a hemoglobin-based circulatory system?"Fiance: "I hypothesize that Smurfs have an open circulatory system. Their round, ill-defined appendages suggest the pooling of a fluid I call 'smurfolymph' within."Me: "In that case I don't think they'd change color until the s

Freedom

Published on 2009-05-25 18:49:00

A couple days ago I turned in my thesis, with all the signatures from my committee.I visited my program director and gave him a copy.I went to the Registrar and paid to have my diploma mailed.I turned in my keys and got my deposit back. (The key lady was ecstatic that I brought back the receipts. She said I was the first person to ever do that, and it made her job easier).I cleaned up my lab space, and threw away unneeded items. I passed things to people who could use them.I had lunch with my

Peeing in a Cup

Published on 2009-05-14 19:41:00

I am very optimistic about starting work soon.I received a letter saying my background check is complete, and earlier this week I went in for a drug test.I was still recovering from a cough earlier this month, but as a precaution I stopped taking my cough syrup. I also stopped taking my allergy medication because I was paranoid that I would get false positives from the drug test. (One of my friends had to repeat a urine test and was told "Next time don't take a multivitamin.")I told my mother

Don't Mess With Mom

Published on 2009-05-10 10:17:00

It's Mother's Day today, and I would like to give you a small glimpse of why growing up with my Mom was both terrifying and awesome.Normal mothers kill crabs by boiling them.My Mom would rip off the crab's leg, then use it to stab it to death. She would push the pointy tip of the leg through the wound she just created.That's equivalent to a Wookie ripping off your arm and beating you to death with it.Happy Mother's Day!

Meat Cake

Published on 2009-05-02 15:19:00

A male friend of mine made me a pie once, which was so awful I had to blog about it.Recently, he had a birthday party and informed me he was making a "meat cake." I was horrified when I heard this. Given his past history, I imagined a revolting concoction of ground beef, cake batter and frosting.I was pleasantly surprised to find that he baked a rather good meat loaf in the shape of a cake, and then covered it with mashed potatoes to resemble frosting. The cake was decorated with peas and carr

The Power of Marketing

Published on 2009-04-30 23:18:00

My boss spent time in Ethiopia, where some of the citizens gave themselves English names, in addition to their ethnic birth names. However, due to the fact that English was not their first language, they had trouble distinguishing between names for people, and names for things.My boss met a woman who introduced herself by saying, "Hi, you can call me Pepsi!"I think she'd get along quite well with the little girl named Diot Coke.

Chugging Along

Published on 2009-04-30 23:14:00

The state has changed its mind, and it appears hiring is on again.Fingers crossed.

Poor Government

Published on 2009-04-24 12:38:00

I am currently job hunting at a time that seems less than ideal.I just found out that the state position I interviewed for 2 months ago, and went through a background check for, has been eliminated due to a lack of funds. The county job I interviewed for last year, and that I was the top candidate for, is on hiatus due to a lack of funds.The city job I applied for has also had all interviews cancelled due to a lack of funds.What the hell is happening?I spent yesterday looking at jobs online, and

Poor Perseus

Published on 2009-04-07 19:44:00

I originally read this particular Craiglist ad a while ago, but I've rediscovered it and it's good for a laugh each time. Each person I show it to reads it and makes funny faces that show their growing horror at the laundry list of desirable and very specific qualities this man requires in his ideal girlfriend. When I scroll to the bottom of the ad where the would-be Romeo has a picture of himself, everyone says "Ough!" without fail. He doesn't seem like a bad person, but doesn't understand t

Rainbow Bridesmaids

Published on 2009-04-06 20:39:00

A friend of mine was drafted as a bridesmaid in a rainbow-themed wedding. The plan was to have 7 bridesmaids, each dressed in a different color of the rainbow.Some other women called dibs on blue and red first. My friend was left with orange.Furthermore, all the dresses were trimmed with black accents. She looked like a Jack-O-Lantern at the wedding.