Party Down and Go Fuck Yourself

My Night In/Out With a Bag of Reefer

Published on 2012-02-15 06:36:00

A few nights ago was a friend's birthday, and I'd bought a big bag of reefer for us to smoke together. I didn't have her address so I posted up on her facebook asking for her address but she never got back to me. I sipped vodka in my livingroom and skinned up some reefers for us to smoke together. I got this crazy idea in my head that I could easily find her house as Belfast isn't very big (it's not that big!) So I skinned up some reefers for the journey and took off out smoking one. I had it

Hip Dad talking to his Son about Pussy

Published on 2012-02-06 06:55:00

One of the worst things a dad can say to his son is (at any age): 'Did you get some pussy?' Just because if you are a dad whose son is getting pussy, you're probably old enough for your pubes to be falling out in grey joyless clumps. And you probably fumble your withered balls in front of the bathroom mirror and try to keep from crying. My dad never said this to me (just for the record). Speaking of records and cats (pussys):

How To Find A Job In The Recession

Published on 2011-12-05 06:11:00

I've been applying for lots of jobs recently because I found myself making the silly mistake of going back into a call centre to chase the dream of the mighty pound. All's happened is I've been ground down and my mental health has started to deteriorate along with basic functions like memory and temper. I've been applying for jobs right, left, centre, up, down, turnaround and constantly find myself hitting the ground with a huge whack of disappointment. This is what the standard rejection lett

What to do if your boss won't pay you

Published on 2011-11-17 05:19:00

So in this shitty economic climate where some complete wankers think the solution is to lower minimum wage (go fuck yourselves, seriously) it seems a boy like me farting through silk to get his bills paid needs to be a suave mutherfucker. I've been working part time and temping to top my wages up. One company I temp for (or temped for) are particularly bad and often send me to jobs that turn out not to be booked, and even when I do the work pay arrives late. One particular job I did, I waited t

Sammy Wilson Wants to Bring Back the Death Penalty...Of Course He Does

Published on 2011-11-10 04:57:00

I was reading the BBC news this morning when I came across an article saying five Northern Irish MPs want to bring back the death penalty. My first thought was I bet that daemonic bastard Sammy Wilson is among them. Those of you who've been reading my blog for a while will know that when I was high on crack I was sometimes visited by a daemon who I suspected was Sammy Wilson. Turns out I was right! This motion may be some ritual dressed up as parliamentary proceedure and even a basic knowledge

Sweaty Heavy Metal Rock and Roll Vomit Party Memory

Published on 2011-11-07 06:36:00

I think the only other thing I have in common with Kurt Cobain is that I was in a band (briefly). A sweaty rock and roll heavy metal one. I was pish at singing. I was really in it for the metal pussy, because there were lots of heavy metal vomit parties. I remember one in the Four Winds where there were mudwrestling ladies. The whole house was getting down to slippery mudwrestling fun and dope smoking, when a stone came through the front window. I suggested sending the wrestling ladies out to s

Homeless, Like Kurt, who was deep

Published on 2011-11-04 18:07:00

I'm in the house watching the Nirvana night on BBC4, or to be honest I've only just turned it on. Right at the point where they're saying that Kurt Cobain used to be homeless. Something I never knew. I've been homeless myself, but never for long, never more than a few weeks before I found somewhere to stay. If I had to spend a few nights under a bridge or in a park or even in a casualty waiting room (like Cobain did) I always managed to get myself a sofa in someone's house, or crash out in a cu

Bill Gates, Vaccinations, Overpopulation and Seven Billion People on Earth

Published on 2011-10-31 06:10:00

With the seven billionth baby just been born, some people are worried about overpopulation etc. I think there isn't much to worry about really because as my old daemonic pal Sammy Wilson says: CO2 doesn't cause climate change. After all, our CO2 emissions aren't melting the martian poles, are they? Anyway, if you are scared of global warming, here's Bill Gates giving us some advice on how to go about it with vaccines, health care and fertility treatments. What a cranky lizardman billderberg ba

3 Years and counting

Published on 2011-10-24 07:17:00

So Saturday was my three year anniversary. I'm not sure where to go with the blog any more or even if I should keep posting. It's mostly because I'm no longer a lonely crackhead living in Belfast. I still sniff felt tips from time to time though. Mostly I just get high throughout the day on coffee, and come down in the evening with alcohol. Still, it's nice to make it to the big old three years and know that my blog has outlived Hamsters, Guppies and unfortunate pets (I'm not sure why this is

And so it is (or something deep).

Published on 2011-10-06 03:48:00

I've always been a bit unimpressed with the way blogs are set out to be read backwards. That's fine if you're writing a topical blog all about which Kardashian sister is doing some dumb shit in tight spandex somewhere in Beverly Hills everyday. It's not fine if you've written a blog that contains non-celebrities (as in actually non-celebrities, not a sarcastic way of referring to low lvel celebrities) and is intended to be read from start to finish and not flicked back through like some worried