Papa's Basement

Kate Upton is the Sports Illustrated 2012 Swimsuit Issue Cover Girl

Published on 2012-02-14 12:08:56

Here to make the woman you spent your Valentine’s Day dollars on look like dog shit by comparison is Kate Upton, who will be on the cover of 2012′s Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. On more than one occasion I’ve heard female friends of mine say things like, “John, I didn’t think you’d be into that [...]

Why Valentine’s Day Sucks

Published on 2012-02-14 10:12:12

In the pantheon of holidays, Valentine’s Day is at the bottom of my list. Not because I feel alone or unloved or any of those other emotions for women. It’s the general principle of the day. Think of Christmas, a holiday that is beloved by all of us who are going to Heaven in the [...]

Justin Vernon of Bon Iver Is a Massive Twat

Published on 2012-02-13 13:19:09

Before last night, I was blissfully unaware of both Justin Vernon and his band, Bon Iver. Had you asked me what a “Bon Iver” was, I would have assumed some some sex act from the pages of Urban Dictionary involving feces, semen and the face of an unwilling female participant. Thanks to the Grammys, though, [...]

The Grammys Were Last Night

Published on 2012-02-13 10:54:54

The Grammys are an irrelevant platform for old white people to tell other old white people what “hip” music they should be listening to. There was a time when that bugged me, but I’ve reached a curmudgeony place in my own life where I delight in my ignorance of anything new musically, so it doesn’t [...]

Whitney Houston Died

Published on 2012-02-13 09:01:36

Whitney Houston died Saturday night. Though no official cause has been named yet, it was drugs. The sad thing about Whitney is that she spent the second half of her career taking a runny crackhead shit on the first half. If you’re an artist that gets hooked on drugs, everyone appreciates it if you have [...]

Forgive the Lack of Updates

Published on 2012-02-10 09:13:30

Sorry I didn’t upload much this week. It was time for my annual crippling sinus infection and I’ve spent Tuesday onward lying in my own snotty filth playing video games and eating junk food. (I’m the only person on Earth who manages to gain weight while sick.) Hopefully my throat won’t feel like I gargled [...]

The New York Giants Win Super Bowl XLVI

Published on 2012-02-07 08:11:03

Super Bowl XLVI is now in our collective rear-view mirror and, with it the 2011 NFL Season. Before I get started, I’d like to state the following as tactfully as possible: Eat my ass then cram my baby seed pipe down your throat, Vegas! I called the Giants to win it and you didn’t! With [...]

Papa’s Basement 2-6-12-Win a Date With My Co-Host Veronica

Published on 2012-02-05 23:15:46

There are scummy, cheating douche bags, and then there is the guy that two-timed my co-host, Veronica. Listen to the extent of his deception (and take notes if you’re looking for advice on how to cheat like a pro). Fortunately, his loss is your gain, because I spend the episode tolling for eligible dong to [...]

Picking the NFL Playoffs With a Moron: Super Bowl XLVI

Published on 2012-02-03 12:36:22

Regardless of your feelings about Gront or the Patriots, you have to admit this is the greatest thing put to film since the assassination of Sonny Corleone. The Super Bowl. The one day of the year I hate the NFL. Do you know what the Super Bowl means to a dedicated football fan? Mourning the [...]

Alternative Options For the Super Bowl Halftime Show

Published on 2012-02-01 09:04:17

I’d prefer a return to the days of Up with People to Madonna. At least they have comedic value. For a league that fields the finest sports product known to the face of the Earth, the NFL (if you were expecting me to say anything other than the NFL, please drink bleach until you feel [...]