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15:16 – De-ja-vu?
Published on 2012-05-18 09:16:57
When I started working with my last CPN I went to the first couple of appointments and then stopped going. After that I maybe went to one appointment every four weeks until she left. Today was supposed to be my third meeting with new CPN. But I couldn’t get to sleep last night even after [...] > read more
15:16 – Things aren’t so good
Published on 2012-05-17 09:39:54
I went to see my GP yesterday. It was nice GP I saw. I went in with a list because I knew I’d forget everything I was there for. She asked what happened to my hand as I sat down and just as she asked it she opened up my file on her screen and [...] > read more
13:33 – Yet another trip to a&e
Published on 2012-05-13 08:31:46
Yesterday was a bit crazy. After I finished writing my post and having watched that video I mentioned my head went off on one. I kept asking Lucifer to help me, everything was making me feel crazy, I kept replaying the video in my head and was so disturbed by it. Then came the flashes [...] > read more
13:36 – Ramblings of the past few days
Published on 2012-05-12 07:54:32
I mentioned in my last post that I was selling my current phone as I needed the cash and had bought a much cheaper one. I ordered the new phone on Monday and it had a “delivered within 3 days” guarantee. So when it still hadn’t arrived yesterday (Friday) I was starting to get a [...] > read more
20:34 – 1st Session with New CPN
Published on 2012-05-09 14:56:52
I had my session at 1pm today with my new CPN. It has been arranged so that a support worker meets me outside my flat beforehand and we walk to the CMHT together. I was apprehensive about it because when we met a couple of weeks ago to be introduced (see here) she seemed very [...] > read more
21:31 – Housing forms away and a trip to a&e that wasn’t for me for once
Published on 2012-05-08 15:33:14
I had a fairly quiet weekend, I still haven’t been up to my parents house to give my dad his birthday present and it was his birthday on the 1st of May I feel really bad about it, I keep promising I’ll go up and then I don’t. In fact the only movement I did [...] > read more
20:40 – Just had a realisation
Published on 2012-05-05 15:09:15
I have just realised something and I am now sitting here in tears. I couldn’t explain to anyone why I want to move house so badly; well I could give some reasons but I couldn’t fully explain it. And suddenly (after a couple of glasses of wine) I find myself in tears because what I [...] > read more
16:57 – Good session with social worker
Published on 2012-05-05 11:12:09
I went to see my social worker yesterday (Friday) and took along the housing transfer forms. We spent the hour getting them all filled out (well she asked me the questions and filled out the form for me) and she is going to write a supporting letter to go in with it. I’m not looking [...] > read more
15:05 – Currently undiagnosable
Published on 2012-05-03 09:27:01
I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday and we had a good long conversation about everything that’s been going on for me lately. Mostly this consisted of me telling him about Lucifer, the debate between the other voice claiming to be Iblis, wanting me to convert more towards Islam and less towards Christianity. They are [...] > read more
23:20 – I am shit
Published on 2012-05-01 17:37:31
On Sunday my Mum text me to say she had got all these lovely foods in for a nice Sunday dinner. Then she text again telling me what time it would be ready. Then she text again to ask if I had left my flat yet, was I on my way? I didn’t reply to [...] > read more
20:45 – Babysitting all weekend
Published on 2012-04-27 15:06:33
Early this afternoon my best friend phoned me. She is moving house and has to hand the keys back by Monday. So she called to ask if i could take the 1 yr old this afternoon. I said that was fine and went for a shower. The 3 yr old is staying with his dad [...] > read more
12:09 – Meeting the new cpn
Published on 2012-04-27 06:56:53
I met my new CPN on Wednesday. My social worker was there as promised which was nice. I was very anxious throughout the meeting even though the woman herself seemed nice enough; however I got the impression that any time my social worker tried to tell her about my mental health history and how, over [...] > read more
11:47 – I’m sorry I called you Satan
Published on 2012-04-23 05:53:10
I don’t know if you will be able to read my writing, it’s a bit scribbled. I just felt like writing something pen to paper rather than by hitting the keys on the laptop. So here’s the questions and the things going through my head. Sorry for the bits you can’t really read. I think [...] > read more
20:11 – They think you’re crazy and you no longer care
Published on 2012-04-22 14:14:19
I’ve got some random shizzle to write down, my head is a bit all over the place tonight so this might be a bit jumbled up. I was just reading back over the post I made in the middle of the night wondering if I had taken a small overdose or if it was some [...] > read more
04:23 – mini overdose or just a dream
Published on 2012-04-21 22:29:06
Im lying in my bed – aka my sofa – under my duvet. I think that some time around 7pm i took a small overdose which i knocked back with some wine. I woke up about half an hour ago (about 3.50am ) saw the remains of some wine in a glass and a few [...] > read more
18:31 – Well I went
Published on 2012-04-21 12:32:28
*SELF HARM WARNING* I decided to go to the A&E department and see the nurse from Tuesday. I was the only person in the department so was seen straight away. I told him I’d got my tattoo done and Satan appears happier with me. He kind of half smiled, like one of them sympathetic type [...] > read more
15:57 – And I still can’t decide
Published on 2012-04-21 09:57:53
I’ve sat here in the exact same spot for the past 3 hours debating whether or not to go and have a shower. The anxiety about going up to the hospital is really bad despite taking a couple of diazepam. I’ve got a couple of hours to get myself there if I’m going but that’s [...] > read more
12:57 – A&E – To go or not to go
Published on 2012-04-21 07:00:35
*SELF HARM WARNING* At some point this afternoon I have to go up to A&E to have my recent self harm wounds checked and hopefully the stitches off. These ones didn’t need suturing, he managed to use glue and steri-strip stitches. The glue is at that extremely itchy stage where I keep wanting to claw [...] > read more
16:43 – Branded
Published on 2012-04-19 10:46:32
Just left tattoo place. Writing this post on my phone as i walk home. I hope the devil will now be happy with me and stop harassing me so much as Satan is now on the back of my neck permanently with his prickly thorns and stinging tail. And for the tiny bit of good [...] > read more
22:34 – The one (and only) appt with new GP
Published on 2012-04-18 16:39:07
I have lost count how many hours I’ve been awake for now, but I know it is too many. I haven’t had a single nap all day and have taken a fair amount of diazepam/sleeping pills. I felt a bit drowsy around 2pm while waiting on my addictions nurse to come round and when I [...] > read more
22:34 – The one (and only) appt with new GP
Published on 2012-04-18 16:39:07
I have lost count how many hours I’ve been awake for now, but I know it is too many. I haven’t had a single nap all day and have taken a fair amount of diazepam/sleeping pills. I felt a bit drowsy around 2pm while waiting on my addictions nurse to come round and when I [...] > read more
09:01 – Oh I do exist!
Published on 2012-04-18 03:11:03
Postman has just been with a letter inviting me to go and meet new CPN on Wednesday 25th April, so next week. At the CPA meeting they must have actually listened to me explaining I miss so many appointments due to such bad anxiety and, have written on the letter that one of the support [...] > read more
09:01 – Oh I do exist!
Published on 2012-04-18 03:11:03
Postman has just been with a letter inviting me to go and meet new CPN on Wednesday 25th April, so next week. At the CPA meeting they must have actually listened to me explaining I miss so many appointments due to such bad anxiety and, have written on the letter that one of the support [...] > read more
05:55 – So much for knocking me out
Published on 2012-04-18 00:03:44
The good news: the mix of medication finally kicked in and I got to sleep about 1am. The bad news: I have been up for the past hour playing stupid games on facebook and it’s only 5.50am just now. So I got about 3 hours sleep after a ridiculous amount of sleeping tablets. Blah. The [...] > read more
05:55 – So much for knocking me out
Published on 2012-04-18 00:03:44
The good news: the mix of medication finally kicked in and I got to sleep about 1am. The bad news: I have been up for the past hour playing stupid games on facebook and it’s only 5.50am just now. So I got about 3 hours sleep after a ridiculous amount of sleeping tablets. Blah. The [...] > read more
21:53 – So today went something like this…
Published on 2012-04-17 15:54:14
*SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING* I woke up and seemed to be in a pretty irritable mood. Everything was annoying me and making me restless. I took my morning medication then took the dogs a walk. By 11am my head was off in crazy land, repetitive commands and remarks from Satan, just driving me mad. So [...] > read more
21:53 – So today went something like this…
Published on 2012-04-17 15:54:14
*SELF HARM TRIGGER WARNING* I woke up and seemed to be in a pretty irritable mood. Everything was annoying me and making me restless. I took my morning medication then took the dogs a walk. By 11am my head was off in crazy land, repetitive commands and remarks from Satan, just driving me mad. So [...] > read more
13:54 – Massive huge bridesmaid anxiety
Published on 2012-04-16 08:17:10
I popped up to my Mums last night and she said she wanted to have a word with me. My cousin (my only female cousin, she’s the same age as me but I get jealous because she has the man, the great job, the baby, the house, the car, etc) -in other words we grew [...] > read more
13:54 – Massive huge bridesmaid anxiety
Published on 2012-04-16 08:17:10
I popped up to my Mums last night and she said she wanted to have a word with me. My cousin (my only female cousin, she’s the same age as me but I get jealous because she has the man, the great job, the baby, the house, the car, etc) -in other words we grew [...] > read more
12:14 – Friday the 13th
Published on 2012-04-13 06:16:28
I am fucked. Had my mate round again last night and each took 4 of the little magic pills. We laughed so much I was aching. Apparently a couple of glasses of wine go well with the little magic moments. We were doing all sorts of crazy nonsense but it was so much fun. So [...] > read more
12:14 – Friday the 13th
Published on 2012-04-13 06:16:28
I am fucked. Had my mate round again last night and each took 4 of the little magic pills. We laughed so much I was aching. Apparently a couple of glasses of wine go well with the little magic moments. We were doing all sorts of crazy nonsense but it was so much fun. So [...] > read more
22:43 jelly bodies
Published on 2012-04-11 16:54:13
Had a very busy afternoon. Got best friend earrings and took her out for dinner. Her mum looked after the kids for a couple of hours. I got a new charger for my phone (on which im writing this blog post) and a new cordless house phone. Spent way too much money today. Tonight i [...] > read more
22:43 jelly bodies
Published on 2012-04-11 16:54:13
Had a very busy afternoon. Got best friend earrings and took her out for dinner. Her mum looked after the kids for a couple of hours. I got a new charger for my phone (on which im writing this blog post) and a new cordless house phone. Spent way too much money today. Tonight i [...] > read more
14:02 – Another little mistake?
Published on 2012-04-11 08:02:47
At some point over the last week or so, whilst my head has been firmly in cloud cuckoo land, it would seem I ordered tablets online. I know this because said tablets arrived in the post this morning. My order came from Japan this time, it was always India whenever I ordered any in the [...] > read more
14:02 – Another little mistake?
Published on 2012-04-11 08:02:47
At some point over the last week or so, whilst my head has been firmly in cloud cuckoo land, it would seem I ordered tablets online. I know this because said tablets arrived in the post this morning. My order came from Japan this time, it was always India whenever I ordered any in the [...] > read more
04:03 – So tired
Published on 2012-04-05 22:06:48
I wish I could sleep. I’m shattered. The voices are too loud, even louder than the loudest that my iPod goes. The devil is real He’s in my camaro With his teeth on the wheel In my oh my milo Feel after feel Skylight and silo And the devil’s real > read more
04:03 – So tired
Published on 2012-04-05 22:06:48
I wish I could sleep. I’m shattered. The voices are too loud, even louder than the loudest that my iPod goes. The devil is real He’s in my camaro With his teeth on the wheel In my oh my milo Feel after feel Skylight and silo And the devil’s real > read more
19:32 – A good old bit of self diagnosis
Published on 2012-04-05 13:31:46
Seeing as my diagnosis is being questioned at the moment, I decided to do an online personality disorder test. I have never been diagnosed with a personality disorder but I’m not convinced I have either Bipolar or Schizophrenia. The test took about half an hour and here are the results (wonder if psychiatrist will diagnose [...] > read more
19:32 – A good old bit of self diagnosis
Published on 2012-04-05 13:31:46
Seeing as my diagnosis is being questioned at the moment, I decided to do an online personality disorder test. I have never been diagnosed with a personality disorder but I’m not convinced I have either Bipolar or Schizophrenia. The test took about half an hour and here are the results (wonder if psychiatrist will diagnose [...] > read more
18:44 – It’s over (and I survived it!)
Published on 2012-04-05 12:45:16
I went to the CPA meeting. At the meeting there was: Me My Mum CPN guy from last week Addictions nurse Social Worker A&E Senior Charge Nurse (bitchy one from Tuesday) Psychiatrist via video link Whilst people were arriving I heard my social worker ask my Mum how she was doing. I mentioned a while [...] > read more
14:43 – So freaking scared
Published on 2012-04-05 08:56:33
I have my CPA meeting in just over an hour. My Mum is picking me up in an hour. I am still not dressed and am so fucking scared about going. The anxiety is ridiculously bad at the moment, my stomach is churning, I feel sick, my palms are sweating, I’m roasting hot and my [...] > read more
19:19 – Losing it
Published on 2012-04-03 13:59:57
I posted earlier about whether or not to go to a&e for a wound check. I decided it was best to get it checked rather than just leaving it. So I went to a&e, waited 20 minutes whilst the three nurses sat in the room next to the waiting room, listened to their phonecall about [...] > read more
Protected: The photo
Published on 2012-04-03 07:45:58
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post. > read more
13:35 – Advice needed asap please!
Published on 2012-04-03 07:41:55
I know I said I was taking a break from blogging but I have just noticed something and I need advice. Admittedly the best advice would be to go up to my local a&e where I was told to go if I thought I saw signs of infection, but after the anxiety the last a&e [...] > read more
15:08 – Post #560 – The girl who seemed unbreakable; broke.
Published on 2012-03-31 09:11:38
That pretty much sums it up. I am broken and I have crumbled. Whether or not the damage is beyond repair is still to be discovered. For now, thank you to everyone whose taken the time to come on this journey with me. It has meant so much. (((big hugs))) > read more
Blank
Published on 2012-03-31 08:02:32
I feel blank. I am sitting here totally numb with absolutely no emotions inside me. Complete emptiness. I don’t understand anything any more. I’m sorry. > read more
00:23 – And that’s my care team falling apart
Published on 2012-03-30 18:28:29
I really don’t know where to start with this post. It’s been a long day. I didn’t sleep very well last night, was up til almost 4am and then woke up in a state of panic at 8.10am thinking I had overslept. Then I was too scared to go back to sleep in case I [...] > read more
19:54 – Fucking nurses
Published on 2012-03-29 14:00:55
I had to go up to the hospital A&E department today to have my stitches taken out. I had a friend with me at the hospital who knew I was getting stitches out because of self harm. So he sat in the waiting room while I went through. It was the same nurse that I saw [...] > read more
18:41 – I miss things…people…etc
Published on 2012-03-28 12:43:36
My favourite song of all time… “I hurt myself today, To see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, The only thing that’s real, What have I become, My sweetest friend, Everyone I know, Goes away in the end” …never have truer words been spoken. Professionals, friends, lovers… all gone. Somehow I drive [...] > read more
18:05 – Another sign of the devil
Published on 2012-03-28 12:08:24
11:28 – Yet another new person
Published on 2012-03-28 05:41:12
Nice CPN 1 – left Nice CPN 2 – left Nice psychologist 1 – left Nice psychologist 2 – on leave for a year Not so nice CPN 3 – leaving in two days according to letter received this morning. New CPN 4 – Who knows, will probably leave as well (if she’s nice) Yes [...] > read more
03:45 – Sleep?
Published on 2012-03-27 21:43:18
Quetiapine – taken. Lamotrigine – taken. Diazepam – taken. Last 2mg Lorazepam – taken. Sleep should come next, surely? Urges to self harm are very high. Just. Ugh. > read more
23:24 – Satan
Published on 2012-03-27 17:36:23
Satan is a sinful, fallen angel. He tempts people to sin and takes control of their hearts. He is in my mind all day and all night offering me temptations and seeing whether I will take them. Today I am guilty of gluttony and envy, again I have not obeyed God. Satan laughs loud and [...] > read more
22:55 – So the short version is…
Published on 2012-03-25 17:10:32
(Self harm warning) > read more
17:56 – I just can’t do this
Published on 2012-03-24 13:00:01
Best friend has been phoning me all afternoon. Then she starts with the “please talk to me” text messages. Then she phones again. Everytime my ringtone starts up my heart starts to palpitate, words come out quietly even though I’m trying to sound ‘normal’. Anyway, I finally answered the phone and listened to her tell [...] > read more
23:59 – Back from the hospital
Published on 2012-03-23 18:59:52
I should maybe put a trigger warning on this post. I self harmed tonight. Pretty badly. After I did it I realised I had no dressings of any kind and really couldn’t face A&E… my head was spinning and I was somewhat in shock at the extent of the injury I’d inflicted upon myself. Thanks [...] > read more
22:37 – A thorn in my flesh
Published on 2012-03-22 17:39:36
I really don’t know what is wrong with me just now. I know something is wrong because I know I don’t feel ‘right’. I have continued to stay awake all day and this evening have been extremely emotional, I am constantly bursting into tears. I feel so drained and exhausted from voices and lack of [...] > read more
15:09 – A little sleep, a little clarity
Published on 2012-03-22 10:18:25
I managed to get about four hours sleep then woke up and took my medication. I’ve been awake about an hour now and it’s sunny with blue skies outside. This is nice but it’s also hugely anxiety provoking because of the amount of people that are outside. My best mate phoned me last night to [...] > read more
07:01 day watch
Published on 2012-03-22 02:06:16
The safety of the night skies has gone. Its daylight again. Its quiet outside so the dogs are having a run around while i write this. The birds aren’t chirping, they are squawking noisily as though they are all discussing something loudly. I don’t like it. I am starting to feel tired but im scared [...] > read more
04:53 – night watch
Published on 2012-03-22 00:03:06
It’s almost 5am and in 3 hours I’ll have been up for 24 hours. My anxiety levels are sky high, nothing seems to help, even the diazepam have stopped working. I have been listening to my ipod for hours, the emeli sande album on repeat mostly. Right now ‘daddy’ is playing. The ipod helps drown [...] > read more
01:47 – Something’s wrong
Published on 2012-03-21 20:49:44
I can’t sleep because I have spent the entire evening experiencing panic attacks. They come and go and I have one of those deep gut feelings that something is wrong. This is making me more anxious because I don’t know what it is that’s wrong. But instinct (and voices) tells me it is bad and [...] > read more
14:24 – A brief awakening
Published on 2012-03-13 09:39:02
It is daylight and I’m awake. The noise the workmen are making digging the road up woke me up. Maybe this is a good thing, if I try and stay awake now then I might have a chance of sleeping tonight and get day back to day and night back to night. But I feel [...] > read more
20:38 – Three weeks
Published on 2012-03-12 15:40:47
I’ve barely left the house in three weeks. I haven’t attended any of my appointments in three weeks. I haven’t seen daylight in the past three weeks. I’ve lived on takeaway food for three weeks. I am thinking of writing a letter to care team people (CMHT) and to the counsellor to tell them to [...] > read more
15:36 – Missing home & ear acupuncture
Published on 2012-02-22 09:42:44
I’ve been staying at my parents house since Sunday because of all the work they are doing on my flat. I went up yesterday after they had left and felt like crying; there was no floor just boards to jump across with lots of pipes running across the rooms. Every socket just had wires hanging [...] > read more
14:28 – Psychiatric conditions and driving – advice needed!
Published on 2012-02-18 08:30:21
I saw the psychiatrist on Wednesday and left feeling really angry at him. He asked if I had been in contact with the DVLA yet about driving. I’ve had my license for 13 years and never had one accident nor made one insurance claim. I know I am a good driver and I also know [...] > read more
17:57 – Counselling Session and Social Work Documentary
Published on 2012-02-14 11:58:40
I had a session with the counsellor yesterday and we talked through a ’7 stages of grief’ model. This is the model that we are using: 7 Stages of Grief… 1. SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at [...] > read more
18:28 – A productive day!
Published on 2012-02-12 12:37:14
I am a tired girl! My Mum came down early this afternoon and we spent the next three hours scrubbing work surfaces in the kitchen, scrubbing the floor throughout the flat, generally trying to make it look a bit more presentable! I’ve still got a good bit of tidying up to do but I have [...] > read more
20:48 – I think I’ve made it
Published on 2012-02-11 14:57:14
I swore I wouldn’t use any heavy drugs today, I wouldn’t do that on my little one’s special day and I think I’ve made it. I haven’t used anything nor had a drink. I’ve faced the entire day clean and sober and I’ve got through it. I’m proud of myself, there have been many testing [...] > read more
13:52 – Angel-versary
Published on 2012-02-11 07:53:31
Happy 5th birthday my little angel, I love and miss you so much. I met up with Daddy this morning and we brought you lots of flowers and a new teddy bear. But you will know that already as you looked down over us. I can’t believe it’s been five years since I said [...] > read more
20:58 – Time for some honesty
Published on 2012-02-09 15:01:03
It’s been a while since I last posted, so this is probably going to be a super long one. I have really been trying hard to keep myself distracted and that’s also meant a bit of a break from the internet. My moods have been a bit unpredictable lately and somewhere deep down I knew [...] > read more
20:29 – Home
Published on 2012-01-23 14:32:57
Well that’s me back home again. I went into my review full of smiles and assurances that all suicidal/self harming type thoughts had fled my mind. Have they really? Probably not. But I hate that place so so much that I can’t take more than a week and I just need to escape from there. [...] > read more
14:26 Fucking Sundays
Published on 2012-01-22 08:44:46
Why do they go so slowly in here? Seriously every 10 minutes feels like an hour. Time just doesn’t want to pass. I wish id asked my parents to come up today instead even though it was lovely seeing mum yesterday. The suicidal thoughts seem to be subsiding a little. Not much but enough that [...] > read more
P.s.
Published on 2012-01-20 08:01:28
I meant to say in my last post there that i asked the psych about bereavement support and he said i don’t need it. Wtf. I asked why and he said that i don’t need a person or a pill or anything else i just need to turn things round so i want a life [...] > read more
13:44 – saw the psychiatrist
Published on 2012-01-20 07:51:03
So i saw the psych this morning and told him how utterly suicidal I’ve been feeling hence why I’ve been constantly trying to harm myself. Im now not allowed off the ward or I’ll be detained. I wish i hadn’t told him but equally i needed to tell the truth. The voices were really getting [...] > read more
11:21 – your baby is dead
Published on 2012-01-19 05:20:43
My head is pickled. I have no money at all and i mean none. I constantly hear baby cries. I asked to speak to a nurse yesterday because i was in such a mess. I told her i need to be with my baby again. She very bluntly said “your baby is dead”. That just [...] > read more
16:33 – ‘Cos I’m really 14 deep down… lol
Published on 2011-07-03 10:34:45
On Friday night I met up with no longer pregnant friend and we noticed that the little fair was in town. So, of course, we decided it was a good night to get drunk and behave like drunken teenagers (cos we’re really mature like that) so off we > read more
12:37 – Is this stability? It’s fucking scary!
Published on 2011-06-27 07:21:31
Something has been happening over the past couple of months that I didn’t even see. I think (I use the word think loosely) that I might be stable and I’m finding that realization quite scary! It dawned on me a few days ago that I hadn&# > read more
Compassion Focused Therapy Week Two
Published on 2011-06-25 09:56:35
I did intend to write this post on Wednesday when it was all fresh in my mind but I haven’t seemed to have had the chance until now. Because of that this post is probably going to be all over the place but I shall do my best to make it make sen > read more
21:53 – Father’s Day and the second part of my superhero post!
Published on 2011-06-19 15:54:22
I had intended to write about week two of the compassionate mind program I have started with the psychologist but unfortunately due to problems with my boiler we have rearranged for Wednesday morning, so I will post then. This weekend has been a quie > read more
The Compassionate Mind – Week One
Published on 2011-06-16 06:12:12
I meant to write this post almost a week ago as week one was last Friday and week two will be tomorrow! But I want to chart these sessions as hopefully it will be helpful for me to read back on them, and may help someone else as well. A brief overvie > read more
Compassion Focused Therapy Week One
Published on 2011-06-16 06:12:12
I meant to write this post almost a week ago as week one was last Friday and week two will be tomorrow! But I want to chart these sessions as hopefully it will be helpful for me to read back on them, and may help someone else as well. A brief overvie > read more
17:27 – My Superhero Post :)
Published on 2011-06-12 11:39:21
This is just a short blog post because I’m feeling quite ill with this chest infection, however I couldn’t not tell you guys that the lovely Trish over at http://mentallyill.info asked me recently to write a guest post – correction > read more
15:20 – Bit of an anxiety problem it would seem
Published on 2011-06-09 09:22:36
I phoned and made an appointment with my GP, on Tuesday I think it was. I know I mentioned it a few posts back. Anyway, I somehow slept through it and then was too scared to phone them and apologise. Today I got a call from the doctors surgery, I rec > read more
16:11 – Holding out these empty arms
Published on 2011-06-08 10:12:23
(I didn’t write this, but it describes everything I’m feeling so perfectly) Holding out these empty arms, Cursing my disillusionment, Why did I imagine it could be any other way? that I could have been content, dreams that’s all it was, > read more
16:58 – ” I’m the lie, living for you, so you can hide…”
Published on 2011-06-06 10:58:38
The title comes from one of my most favourite songs – Evanescence ‘hello’ – and is a line that completely sums up how I feel at the moment. And I want to thank the lie that’s living for me so the real me can hide. Hiding > read more
18:21 – The day my heart shattered forever
Published on 2011-06-05 12:27:25
[I need to write all of this down. Somewhere in the 400 posts I've written I may have already told parts of this story but I have a need to write this down and get it all out. I need to spend a couple of hours writing my story about the day that brok > read more
13:44 – Psychiatrist yesterday
Published on 2011-06-01 07:37:49
The last time I saw the psychiatrist I wrote this post where I talked about ‘white coat syndrome’ and how hard I find the appointments with him. Usually I am so anxious that I sit and stare at the floor, cannot have eye contact with him; > read more
23:56 – How the psychologist appointment went today
Published on 2011-05-30 18:04:20
I think she (the psychologist) was actually surprised to see me turn up for my appointment as it’s been so long since I last saw her. We had a quick catch up then discussed what I hoped to achieve from psychology – I guess she was asking > read more
00:57 – My 400th blog post!
Published on 2011-05-27 19:09:36
I noticed on my wordpress dashboard the other day that I was fast approaching my 400th blog post and I hoped it would somehow be a special post. I’m trying to link it somehow in my brain to some form of achievement, for example – “t > read more
13:46 – What happens when there’s a power cut and you need medication! And new tattoos!
Published on 2011-05-26 08:05:27
So, shortly after writing my last post, I went out and met no longer pregnant friend and the kids. We went into town and I went to pick up my prescription but it wasn’t over at the chemist yet. So I phoned the GP surgery and asked when it would > read more
11:08 – Trip to a&e and a bit of an update
Published on 2011-05-24 05:20:07
I thought it was about time I updated my little bloggywog seeing as though it’s been almost a week. I haven’t seen my social worker in ages or at least it feels like ages. I was really struggling on Friday so I phoned the CMHT and another > read more
12:44 – dunno how I feel
Published on 2011-05-18 06:46:25
Yesterday I made it to the chemist with minutes to spare as I forgot I had to pick up my weekly prescription. I looked such a mess my hair was so greasy and I was still wearing the clothes id wore all of Monday then slept in then was still in at 5.30 > read more
11:38 – feeling brighter
Published on 2011-05-16 05:39:43
I was a good girl yesterday and didn’t acquire any more diazepams. Instead I went to my parents house for Sunday dinner and then out to see no longer pregnant friend for a couple of hours. That was another full week that I hadn’t seen her > read more
16:32 – overdose #2 that did fuck all
Published on 2011-05-15 10:34:00
Friday night – 118mg diazepam plus usual meds. Did nothing Saturday night – 168mg (18prescribed – 150 not). Plus some alcoholic beverages. Did nothing. Didn’t even get a long sleep out of them. Now its Sunday – is it wor > read more
15:32 – overdose that did fuck all
Published on 2011-05-14 09:34:43
So I’m having to write this post from my phone as my internet appears to have been cut off (think I forgot to pay the bill!) Anyways, yesterday was a very bad day. I took my prescribed dose of 18mg diazepam and the anxiety just wouldn’t p > read more
17:48 – A perfect suicide note? Is there such a thing?
Published on 2011-05-11 12:01:13
(OK, maybe that pic is a bit emo…) I have written many suicide notes in my life and (thankfully) they have never arrived in the hands of the intended recipients. These notes have gone from very short “I’m sorry” ones, to ones > read more
19:26 – Increasingly low thoughts
Published on 2011-05-10 14:12:44
My thoughts and moods are very low at the moment, I’m finding myself battling reasons for living against those for not living. I must stress that I do not want to be thinking about ways to off myself, especially not after watching that film &# > read more
15:27 – Last week FAIL
Published on 2011-05-09 09:56:34
Since I last posted on Wednesday life has been a huge fail. I had an appointment with the dentist on the Thursday which I didn’t go to, and then on the Friday I was supposed to be seeing the psychologist and didn’t go to that either. I do > read more
18:41 – Yay I’m now a health maven on wellsphere :D
Published on 2011-05-04 12:58:10
I was delighted to be given a badge for being a top health blogger for the bipolar community on wellsphere.com a couple of months ago. Today I also became a Health Maven for the Bipolar Community as well as the Depression Community. It makes me feel > read more
17:03 – Phew! Docs went OK :)
Published on 2011-05-03 11:09:44
I worked myself into such a state that an hour before my appointment I took 10mg of Diazepam to calm myself down. When I got to the doctors surgery I was considerably calmer and we had a nice chat. She was in her lovely mood today and we talked about > read more
13:17 – Doctor in 2 hours and shit scared
Published on 2011-05-03 07:25:07
Is this anxiety I’m feeling due to the white coat syndrome I wrote about recently? Usually I am OK going to see my GP but today I’m feeling shit scared. She is lovely but also very professional in that, if she suspects I’m not doing > read more
18:23 – Confessions of a Cutter
Published on 2011-05-02 12:25:13
Confessions of a Cutter by Kristin Evans Silence Only tears As I press the blade Against my pale skin Red The blood flows From the wounds Echoing my inner pain Satisfaction As I feel the knife Slicing into me I only deserve pain Anguish As I realize > read more
17:18 – Can’t I be trusted with babies?
Published on 2011-05-01 11:31:02
Yesterday I was really hurt by no longer pregnant friend. All of her friends were going out on the town for the night and I offered to babysit her youngest – the one who is 4 months old. Her toddler was away to stay at his dad’s. As soon > read more
21:02 – White coat syndrome & seeing psychiatrist
Published on 2011-04-28 15:03:50
White coat hypertension more commonly known as white coat syndrome, is a phenomenon in which patients exhibit elevated blood pressure in a clinical setting but not in other settings. It is believed that this is due to the anxiety some people exp > read more
17:13 – Up down, up down, am I a fucking yo-yo?
Published on 2011-04-25 11:31:35
Yesterday I had a nice Easter Sunday with my family then later in the evening I went out to see my friend. She was telling me all about her night out on Saturday and some of the things she was telling me I was laughing so hard. I felt good, I was gla > read more
Protected: 13:37 – Did I do the right thing? P/Word is facebook
Published on 2011-04-23 08:00:34
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post. > read more
23:57 – So maybe I won’t kill myself today
Published on 2011-04-21 18:11:56
After I posted this morning I managed to sleep from about 10am right through until 4pm, so it was a bit of a waste of a day but never the less I got up at 4 feeling less anxious and ever so slightly better. Being ever so slightly better puts me back > read more
09:15 – A small achievement
Published on 2011-04-21 03:27:09
I have been awake all night mostly because I felt so nervous and sure that I would end up going into hospital today. I truly do not want to go back in that place, I might not be doing a huge amount of living at the moment but I have my comforts here. > read more
22:07 – Existing, not living…. hospital tomorrow?
Published on 2011-04-20 15:05:19
The post below is NOT by me but is from the lovely ‘the wid0w’ and the full post can be found HERE but the extract below sums up exactly how I am feeling right now and is worded better than I can word it myself. I spoke to my social wor > read more
18:39 – End of all hope
Published on 2011-04-19 12:39:22
Angels, they fell first but I’m still here Alone as they are drawing near In heaven my masterpiece Will finally be sung > read more
12:48 – Slipping down the slippery slope (again)
Published on 2011-04-19 07:07:27
Again I find myself wanting to write but with very little to say. I’m finding myself sliding down the slippery slope again into another depression where all I can think about is things to do with suicide. I’m back to spending hours lookin > read more
No title
Published on 2011-04-18 14:35:01
It hurts Posted from WordPress for Android – HTC Desire > read more
17:11 – Just too much to deal with
Published on 2011-04-18 11:12:26
I want to write something but I don’t know what to say. I have locked myself into an isolation unintentionally and yet intentionally at the same time. I feel so alone and yet I could have company if I just answered the phone or the door but I i > read more
Protected: Letter to my abuser – TRIGGERING – p/word is abuser to view
Published on 2011-04-16 10:51:54
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post. > read more
17:07 – ‘Amazing complex human being’
Published on 2011-04-13 12:19:34
Amazing complex human being is what my social worker described me as yesterday. It was nice to hear someone describe me as amazing even if I don’t believe it myself; but yet again I hear the word complex. Maybe being complex isn’t as bad > read more
19:08 – Crumbling inside and out
Published on 2011-04-10 13:11:19
Things are really not good at the moment, I’m having major problems with anxiety and have spent the past 4 or 5 days trying to sleep as much as possible because it feels so horrible when I’m awake. I don’t know if this is due to the > read more
16:56 – Memories… and stuff
Published on 2011-04-05 10:59:00
Firstly I must apologise to my little blog for neglecting it for a week. Then comes the question of why I’ve neglected it? I’m really not sure, I don’t think I’ve had much to say for myself and the things I have been thinking > read more
21:06 – Whispers
Published on 2011-03-27 15:10:32
She is whispering to me to go down to the beach tonight and swim. I’m trying to ignore her and tell her to shut up, it’s bloody freezing outside and the water will be about minus 10 degrees but she doesn’t stop the whispers of persu > read more
09:53 – Dissociative self harming robot
Published on 2011-03-26 04:55:12
A couple of days ago I wrote a simple post called Why? where I asked the question why did I just self harm? I don’t know if this is going to make sense but that may have seemed like a simple question and no doubt the usual answers came to mind > read more
08:01 – yay and ouch
Published on 2011-03-26 03:09:53
http://uk.cision.com/Resources/Social-Media-Index/Top-UK-Social-Media/Top-10-UK-Mental-Health-Blogs/ Yay, I made it onto another list with fabby writers like Pan and Mental Nurse, I’m amazed! Now for the ouch.. my poor head.. drinking al > read more
13:59 – Why?
Published on 2011-03-22 09:00:40
Why did I just self harm > read more
14:50 – Advice needed please, especially from dog owners :(
Published on 2011-03-20 09:53:17
I’m feeling really stressed out because of one of my dogs. He has previously gone to lash out and has nipped a few people – i.e. they thought he had bit them but he has never pierced their skin and if I’m honest I think it’s b > read more
23:08 Money money money
Published on 2011-03-17 18:00:33
Why do I never have enough of it?! Seriously I get both ESA and DLA and really should be able to budget things each week but my list of direct debits is ridiculous and by the time I’ve paid them I’m left with hardly anything. So I applied > read more
14:15 – Some very random suicide ideas
Published on 2011-03-15 09:17:16
I was having a look at some of the more strange search terms people have used to come across my blog and I thought, as I was bored and mulling things over, that I would list my own random and obscure ideas for self termination! This is probably going > read more
00:06 – The pressure is on…
Published on 2011-03-14 19:08:49
It’s amazing how much you don’t realise how much you rely on someone until they are gone. My parents live about a mile away from me and in reality I probably only see them about once a week, but I always know they are there for me. For ex > read more
18:02 – Random moment of self harm
Published on 2011-03-12 12:03:54
Hmm I wish I had something to say for myself but actually I’m just trying to distract from the snow that hasn’t stopped falling all day. What’s going on? Snow in March? I want to see some signs of spring! Mood wise things are fluctu > read more
15:47 – Bit of a catch up
Published on 2011-03-09 09:49:00
I just realised I haven’t written a post in what seems like ages. Since this post on the 28th of Feb I saw my GP the following morning who spoke to me like such a patronising bitch (something which really surprised me as she’s usually lov > read more
21:35 Haha
Published on 2011-03-04 15:40:34
Messing about with cam Haha oh u have to love a nice bottle of rose vino oh I’m so.gonna regret this in the morning Haha Posted from WordPress for Android – HTC Desire > read more
17:18 – Spoke to social worker, seeing GP tomorrow
Published on 2011-02-28 11:20:00
Since I posted earlier I have spoke to my social worker and she told me the psychiatrist has made me an appointment to see my GP tomorrow morning. I asked my social worker to come with me as I hate going by myself and to be honest from how I’ve > read more
12:02 – I didn’t go to my review = psych hospital discharge
Published on 2011-02-28 06:03:41
Right now I’m supposed to be up at the psych hospital having my review after my week long pass. Obviously as I am writing this post it means I didn’t go. I couldn’t go because at some point I would have let slip that the fortune is > read more
11:23 – What the fuck is happening to me?
Published on 2011-02-26 05:24:52
I don’t know what my problem is. I can’t seem to go out or be content being indoors. I wanted out of hospital and off my detention so badly that I took it to tribunal stage and then it was revoked anyway. I told them on Monday that I want > read more
12:45 – Being out of hospital is hard :/
Published on 2011-02-23 06:46:16
Being back at home is hard work. The smallest things like going to the supermarket and being around a lot of people at once are things that I am noticeably finding very difficult. I look out the window and feel paranoia about just taking the dogs for > read more
17:20 – Pass pending discharge
Published on 2011-02-21 11:22:37
After a weekend of ignoring the world I hardly slept last night with trepidation at going back to the hospital this morning. Anxiety was running through me over and over and I really didn’t want to go. However I did, more than anything because > read more
19:11 do you value your support worker enough to pay for them?
Published on 2011-02-16 13:17:59
As I’m still in hospital and using my phone this post won’t go into nearly as much detail as I usually would when i go off on a rant. Today the question was put to me (to gauge my initial reaction) – if I value the support from my s > read more
16:11 another Monday back on the ward
Published on 2011-02-14 10:13:37
Been back on the ward since 10ish this morning. It’s now just gone 4. I had my review but didn’t feel like speaking a great deal so just said the basics that it had been an emotional weekend as expected. He suggested I involve myself more > read more
15:02 – I am a fucking whale
Published on 2011-02-13 09:05:36
Yesterday I did nothing at all. I ignored the door and ignored my phone. I sat and thought and thought about my future; where is it heading? Where could I make it head instead? Do I even have one? There are things I want to do. I can see myself sitti > read more
12:43 – The cemetery and the ex – the long version
Published on 2011-02-12 06:46:02
I sat outside the cemetery in the pouring rain and waited for his car. My stomach was churning. My eyes were probably all puffy. He turned up ten minutes late and we both said hi then walked in silence to my son’s stone. I had the florist make > read more
16:50 – Nothin but fuckin perfect
Published on 2011-02-11 10:51:06
Someone sent this song to me and I wonder how many of us relate to it but wish someone would tell us our good bits – i.e. being ‘fuckin perfect’ to them. is the lyrics one and this is the “make you think” one: > read more
16:12 – Back from cemetery
Published on 2011-02-11 10:17:21
I’m back from the cemetery and feel really messed up. Very very emotional. I’m supposed to be going out for dinner tonight with my Mum and Dad and brother for my brother’s birthday but I don’t think I’ll want to go. I th > read more
14:01 cemetery
Published on 2011-02-11 08:02:51
Cemetery Posted from WordPress for Android – HTC Desire > read more
10:28 – So much emotional pain today
Published on 2011-02-11 04:31:16
Today is the day I have been so emotional about. It’s my little angel’s 4th anniversary. I have ordered some beautiful flowers a mix of white roses and white lilies and daisies all in a posey for him. I have a little ceramic angel to si > read more
18:37 day 2 back in psych hospital
Published on 2011-02-08 12:41:14
My review went pretty well yesterday and Mr psychiatrist seemed pleased that i had managed to see the new baby and not cut myself to shreds. He was also pleased that I hadn’t self medicated and that I’d spent some time with the parents. H > read more
19:31 – Back to psych hospital in 12 hours
Published on 2011-02-06 13:37:58
I have done nothing today and when I say nothing I mean nothing. After spending way too much time with the new baby and finally getting home I decided I would have a little drink. No-longer-pregnant-friend wanted us to do something today – go a > read more
14:34 Will you press the button?!
Published on 2011-02-06 08:35:37
[shameless self promotion] I was sent a link to this site, I would have put it in my sidebar but couldn’t work it out lol. It would be lovely to see some votes if you can be bothered to press the button! [/shameless self promotion] http://1aw > read more
13:03 – Complex grief & second day of seeing the baby
Published on 2011-02-05 07:06:53
Yesterday I spent way too much time in the company of no-longer-pregnant-friend and her toddler and newborn. I didn’t get home til late and by 8pm I knew I needed to have something here to come home and chill out with, so I went and bought a sn > read more
13:12 – Home from hospital and meeting the baby
Published on 2011-02-04 07:14:46
I am back in my own little flat until Monday morning and it is again a weird feeling to be home. I’m glad to be away from the hospital but nervous about managing three days on my own. How things have changed so much when a year ago I always sai > read more
22:06 some great news!
Published on 2011-01-31 16:09:02
Today is a very happy day. My psychiatrist agreed to revoke my section at the review this morning and I am now an informal voluntary patient This means no tribunal tomorrow and everything is just how I wanted it to be. I will stay here during the wee > read more
P.s.
Published on 2011-01-29 14:39:06
I did start taking my meds again on Monday night and have been a good girl complying ever since Posted from WordPress for Android – HTC Desire Filed under: Uncategorized > read more
20:35 tribunal on tues
Published on 2011-01-29 14:37:21
I have my tribunal date. It’s much quicker than I thought: 1st Feb. I’m hoping for them to revoke my section but let me stay voluntary for a few more weeks with some home passes in that time. That would be ideal. I’ve read my report > read more
21:27 review day = shit
Published on 2011-01-24 15:28:59
Today was review day on the ward. I wrote down everything I wanted to say before going in and was a bit shocked to see there was about 10 people in there. I asked to read my stuff and said I was angry because a- I found out I’d been detained in > read more
19:42 sectioned AGAIN
Published on 2011-01-21 13:44:04
I found out earlier today that I have been sectioned again for another 28 days, all because I said I wanted to go home because I felt so ill and don’t think they are detoxing me properly. Next I heard I was detained as I’m a danger to mys > read more
13.01 – in the psych hospital AGAIN
Published on 2011-01-21 07:01:01
So here I am back in the psych hospital again. I’m here mainly to detox from diazepam. Here was me taking massive doses of it the last few weeks i.e. 100-200mg a day and I come in here and they put me on 20mg a day. I was ok yesterday I guess s > read more
21:53 in hospital
Published on 2011-01-19 15:53:08
For the past two days I’ve been overdosing on diazepam and some zopiclone I think I had 3 strips of 5mg diazepam and 5 zopiclone yesterday. Today I bought 2 strips 10mg diazepam which ended up in being currently in a hospital bed writing this & > read more
16:56 – Battling self harm urges is hard work
Published on 2011-01-17 10:58:32
Battling the urges to self harm is hard work. I accidentally came across something that I found very triggering and now the only thoughts in my head are to go into my little hiding place and take a blade across my arm. But these days it’s very > read more
15:16 – The thoughts that could kill me
Published on 2011-01-15 09:17:14
Since I last posted I have thought long and hard about whether or not I should be at the birth of pregnant friend’s baby. I’ve decided I’m going to try and go but I did have a chat to her and explained how bittersweet it was to me & > read more
18:23 – Admitting suicidal feelings to Dr Psych
Published on 2011-01-12 12:25:23
I went along to see Dr Psych looking suitably disgusting with greasy hair and no make up on because I simply couldn’t see the point. My social worker came along with me and I had a long chat about pregnant friend and the pressure I was starting > read more
11:45 – Pathetic moan about my life & seeing Dr Psych soon
Published on 2011-01-12 05:47:31
I feel like shit this morning, I still have a horrible cough that won’t clear and my nose is rudolph red. And flaky. This morning I was supposed to have physio but I cancelled it as I feel so rotten so I could get a few more hours sleep. Pregna > read more
22:43 – Crying. Hurting. Aching. Pain. Everything hurts.
Published on 2011-01-11 16:46:16
I wait and watch and listen to pregnant friend as she has been going through early labour for the past week. Even when I was feeling really shitty with the flu and even when my emotions were killing me being in the birthing unit and even as I tried t > read more
20:12 I have swine flu
Published on 2011-01-08 14:13:30
I don’t have much to say for myself cos I feel so ill. All I need to say is pregnant friend got her confirmed swabs of having swine flu today. I love pregnant friend to bits but I don’t love swine flu :’( Filed under: My ramblings a > read more
18:37 Fucking self harm urges
Published on 2011-01-06 12:36:52
I met up with my support worker early this morning about 10am and she stayed for an hour or so. I told her I was having lots of thoughts and urges to self harm especially as my nice new set I bought on Amazon arrived of mixed stanley knife bla > read more
07:19 – My quizzy thing
Published on 2011-01-06 01:19:10
OK, so the lovely Pandora, Bippidee and UselessCPN (and probably more who I haven’t noticed yet!) all put this questionnaire thing on their page, so I’m going to give it a bash myself. Maybe it will help me get to sleep. 1. What > read more
04:02 – Labour false alarm, anxiety rising
Published on 2011-01-05 22:03:56
It’s almost 4am and I can’t sleep. I don’t know why, yesterday was a pretty full on day. I was woken up at 5am by pregnant friend saying she was having contractions but when she got to hospital she was only 1cm dilated so sent home > read more
16:49 – Out the looney bin and home again
Published on 2011-01-04 10:50:46
Well here I am back home after a surprisingly short stay in the lovely looney bin. After agreeing/asking/admitting I couldn’t cope and going up there on Thursday, I thought I would be in for at least a week. But instead it is only Tuesday and h > read more
18:29 – new year on the psych ward
Published on 2011-01-01 12:31:17
Today is really dragging out, everything seems to be taking ages. Every 10 mins feels like at least an hour. We had traditional steak pie at lunch – is steak pie traditional everywhere or just Scotland? Anyway, we had that and some trifle which > read more
11:05 Happy? New year
Published on 2011-01-01 05:06:03
Not too sure what’s happy about it but happy new year to all of you fighting through all the good and bad emotions that new year brings x x Posted from WordPress for Android – HTC Desire Filed under: My ramblings and random thoughts > read more
17:59 something did happen last night
Published on 2010-12-31 11:59:37
Something did indeed happen last night. Something involving a plastic bag and a dressing gown cord. I passed out just for seconds after it had been on 20 mins or so and panicked, pulled it off my head by which point it was all slippy with condensatio > read more