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Death by Chocolate
Published on 2012-02-23 06:24:37
Thu, 23/02/2012 - 12:24I need to be myselfI can't be no one elseI'm feeling supersonicGive me gin and tonic When most of your time is spent stuck behind elderly drivers a break from the monotony is welcome. Having said that, with the benefit of hindsight a bit of monotony would have been heaven. All I had to do was wrap bacon round fish filets. Guess who forgot to take the bacon out the freezer? Instead I find myself hacking apart a pack of frozen bacon with a disturbingly-sharp knife. Coinciden [..] > read more
You'd have to be mad
Published on 2012-01-04 05:02:56
Wed, 04/01/2012 - 11:02Truth is if the bass is loud enough anything can sound danceable. Regardless of whether you are young, hip, trendy or old, or are blessed with the coordination of a giraffechild. Proven without a shadow of a doubt by the middle aged dancer, red-dressed and booted, not to mention the pink tights and spangly hat.The tune was murdered, bludgeoned by bad acoustics into the soul-destroying sound of a fire engine trapped in a blender. The world reached a new low as a solitary ma [..] > read more
Soul Man
Published on 2010-12-15 17:28:50
Wed, 15/12/2010 - 23:28Soul Man, a pensioner in a 5-year-old's body. He tapped, he grooved, he sung. Not so much square peg in round hole, only a drunken joiner would try that, just an inebriated old man who not only believed that he was lord of the dance, but one willing to demonstrate publicly that while most of the time you are stuck behind a slow-moving Punto crammed full of retirees, occasionally Michael Jackson's spirit will clamber inside an elderly Foster-drinker and turn him into the wo [..] > read more
Soul Man
Published on 2010-12-15 17:28:50
Soul Man, a pensioner in a 5-year-old’s body. He tapped, he grooved, he sung. Not so much square peg in round hole, only a drunken joiner would try that, just an inebriated old man who not only believed that he was lord of the dance, but one wi > read more
Are any of you guys Spurs fans?
Published on 2010-08-17 16:40:30
Tue, 17/08/2010 - 22:40It wasn't just that I fancied a pint of lager, Spurs were losing 3-0 to some dubiously-sounding Swiss team that, for some reason that I could probably wikipediup, call themselves Young Boys, which doesn't sound particularly Swiss (whatever language they choose to use) and I felt that, as your typically emotional Spurs fan, I ought to turn up at the local and support the mighty Spurs. The two blokes were slouched in front of the TV, one Scandinavian and one about as English [..] > read more
Are any of you guys Spurs fans?
Published on 2010-08-17 16:40:30
It wasn’t just that I fancied a pint of lager, Spurs were losing 3-0 to some dubiously-sounding Swiss team that, for some reason that I could probably wikipediup, call themselves Young Boys, which doesn’t sound particularly Swiss (whateve > read more
The Demise Of Mad Dog
Published on 2010-06-21 07:02:35
Mon, 21/06/2010 - 13:02Demise is probably a strong word, but I'm taking an extended blogging holiday. I'll leave the site up for now, but I just need a break and besides, there's football to watch, sun to soak and ice-cold beer to enjoy... That's all folks. Don't know when or if I'll be back, but you know where to find me. > read more
The Demise Of Mad Dog
Published on 2010-06-21 07:02:35
Demise is probably a strong word, but I’m taking an extended blogging holiday. I’ll leave the site up for now, but I just need a break and besides, there’s football to watch, sun to soak and ice-cold beer to enjoy… That’ > read more
John Smith and the Blue Mackintosh
Published on 2010-06-01 07:05:21
Tue, 01/06/2010 - 13:05Clad in a shabby blue mackintosh, the elderly rogue slurped his John Smith’s in a spectacularly irritating fashion. With sensibilities as delicate as mine I am indisputably in a position to judge. He would take mind-numbingly long sips, lasting for ten seconds flat, i.e. well over the average one second “beer sip threshold” and then, in a manner which implied a lifetime habit and decades upon decades of soul-destroying practice, he finished each monster slug with a p [..] > read more
John Smith and the Blue Mackintosh
Published on 2010-06-01 07:05:21
Clad in a shabby blue mackintosh, the elderly rogue slurped his John Smith’s in a spectacularly irritating fashion. With sensibilities as delicate as mine I am indisputably in a position to judge. He would take mind-numbingly long sips, lasting for > read more
Curing hiccups and preventing alien invasions can easily go hand in hand
Published on 2010-05-24 06:41:34
Mon, 24/05/2010 - 12:41Angry I was, and fuming like the most polluting chimney in the darkest, dirtiest, dingiest corner of Glasgow. The heartburn was kicking in, scorching pain ran through my chest, the airways were disrupted; it was worse than an Icelandic ash cloud. I’d had hiccups for a full hour and this had, for some reason or other, led onto heartburn, which I get occasionally, usually when I’m stressed or breaking another world record for prolonged hiccups. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know y [..] > read more
Curing hiccups and preventing alien invasions can easily go hand in hand
Published on 2010-05-24 06:41:34
Angry I was, and fuming like the most polluting chimney in the darkest, dirtiest, dingiest corner of Glasgow. The heartburn was kicking in, scorching pain ran through my chest, the airways were disrupted; it was worse than an Icelandic ash cloud. I > read more
The Perfect Male Mind
Published on 2010-05-20 01:59:36
Thu, 20/05/2010 - 07:59Today I'm writing all about The Perfect Male Mind at Jen's place. > read more
The Perfect Male Mind
Published on 2010-05-20 01:59:36
Today I’m writing all about The Perfect Male Mind at Jen’s place. Related Posts:Find yourself a young lady…The Fury of the Porcelain GodsNice Belt Buckle, OcciferSauerkrauts Make The World Go Round (alternative title: Langoustine in > read more
Delinquent child of Frankenstein
Published on 2010-05-17 06:40:46
Mon, 17/05/2010 - 12:40The tussle-headed beast staggers towards me. Huge and clumsy, rigid and graceless, as uncoordinated as a drunken robot, more terrifying than a delinquent child of Frankenstein. Its arms hang loose, muscular yet conspicuously useless, as if they are more accessory than functional appendage, the end-effectors limp and floppy, a pointless existence if you ask me. Still, it carries on towards me, determined and decidedly furious. Unfortunately its legs still function, albeit a [..] > read more
Delinquent child of Frankenstein
Published on 2010-05-17 06:40:46
The tussle-headed beast staggers towards me. Huge and clumsy, rigid and graceless, as uncoordinated as a drunken robot, more terrifying than a delinquent child of Frankenstein. Its arms hang loose, muscular yet conspicuously useless, as if they are m > read more
The Fury of the Porcelain Gods
Published on 2010-05-10 07:04:57
Mon, 10/05/2010 - 13:04He stood there in solitude, uncertain and uncomfortable. Not actual solitude mind, the palace was packed, but it was as though, in his mind and awkward state of indecision, he was all alone. Blue woollen jumper straight off the Marks & Spencer shelf, a checked shirt poking out the top and hanging out the bottom, the dishevelled look of chap who had reluctantly given in and allowed his wife to stock his wardrobe. He had a paper with him, The Daily Mail, preciously hugged as [..] > read more
The Fury of the Porcelain Gods
Published on 2010-05-10 07:04:57
He stood there in solitude, uncertain and uncomfortable. Not actual solitude mind, the palace was packed, but it was as though, in his mind and awkward state of indecision, he was all alone. Blue woollen jumper straight off the Marks & Spencer sh > read more
Cheap Dutch Lager
Published on 2010-05-04 06:26:49
Tue, 04/05/2010 - 12:26There I am, cross-legged on the sheepskin rug upon which my offspring – pretty, gorgeous, delightful – sprinkles her milk, raisins and nasal produce. Can of lager to my right, a couple of laptops in front of me, Blackberry to my left. The TV blares, Barcelona are playing Inter Milan. The game to watch, the game I’m not really watching. Since we moved a few weeks ago the broadband has worked during the day with the stoic reliability of one of Hannibal’s elephants, b [..] > read more
Cheap Dutch Lager
Published on 2010-05-04 06:26:49
There I am, cross-legged on the sheepskin rug upon which my offspring – pretty, gorgeous, delightful – sprinkles her milk, raisins and nasal produce. Can of lager to my right, a couple of laptops in front of me, Blackberry to my left. The TV blar > read more
I’ve never seen a badger move so fast
Published on 2010-04-26 06:21:11
It cruised into the car park with a cacophony of classless rumbling. Suspended low, spankingly shiny, it’s the sort of car Rubbish drives until he gets caught for road-tax evasion. Blue, tinted windows, mounted by a massive spoiler, the Mitsubishi > read more