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Historically Accurate. Apparently Wildly Inappropriate.
Published on 2012-11-24 14:24:00
It's time for the Thanksgiving edition of "Things That Are Historically Accurate but Still Wildly Inappropriate...Apparently". Brandishing a blunderbuss around the city center, and telling the police it's "totally cool, man" because you're "keeping
Inappropriate White Upper Middle Class Rage
Published on 2012-11-13 22:10:00
For those either too liberal, too intelligent or too non-white to decipher it, this note, which is placed at a Boy Scout Troop's canned food drive in Michigan, reads as follows: This is the last time I will donate anything to any charity. It's Obama
Letter From HR
Published on 2012-10-29 21:47:00
Hobbles Answers Your Pressing Medical Questions
Published on 2012-09-13 21:28:00
jchandy My Special Time Of The Month I'll be 12 in a few months, and my mother sat me aside last week to give me a little chat about something called 'my special time of the month'. She also called it a period, but she didn't go into detail as to what it was or why it happens, she just said it's me becoming a woman. I'm nervous about what it could be, could you enlighten me? HobblesM.D. Sure. A period is what happens when a woman goes batshit crazy, and her crotch goes supernova, for [..]
No-Nonsense Movie Review: The Dark Knight Rises
Published on 2012-08-13 12:33:00
What a whiny fucking movie. There I was, minding my own business in the crowded theater, in the seat next to the handicapped-accessible seat near the front row. This is a good spot because rarely do I see many circularly-enabled people wheeling into the movies, thus meaning no dickhead would sit next to me. For whatever reason, director Christopher Nolan decided to include a wheelie in this movie session however, just to throw a literal cog into my monkey-wrench. What transpired was the followi [..]
No-Nonsense Movie Review: Prometheus
Published on 2012-08-06 18:21:00
Utter rubbish. Lots of people had problems with this film because they felt it either left too much to the viewer's imagination in regards to its ties to the Alien plot-line, or because they felt that it was a stabbing at issues fundamental to all modern religions. However, my issue with it was far more intrinsic. As far as I can work out from my seat, Ridley Scott chose to fill the film with 124 minutes of: The 57 year-old pot-smoking man to my left constantly uttering combinations of the p [..]
Mass Effect 4 Gameplay Preview
Published on 2012-07-25 12:22:00
Through much legwork, lots of hacking work, and some reach-around work, I've come into possession of information not yet seen anywhere outside of Bioware software. Prepare to be blown away. Set your erect computer-gaming nipples to stun, because by clicking on the newly-discovered logo below you'll find an interactive demo of the first 20 minutes of gameplay in Mass Effect 4! Returning to their Mass Effect 2 roots, the developers chose to weed out non-hardcore gamers by making commander She [..]
So Long, And Thanks For All The Internets
Published on 2012-07-09 12:47:00
Well, folks, it's all over for me. It's the end of the road, but it's been a fun journey. We've had some good laughs, some good pixels, some good internets, but all rides come to an end. Unfortunately, mine is ending sooner than I'd like, simply because I committed a hate crime, and must now face the consequences. Allow me to elaborate. Like all racially-motivated crimes of hate, mine started at a local Great Khan's Mongolian BBQ establishment. Since the courts will likely need a verbose ex [..]
Cox: Still Cocks
Published on 2012-06-28 20:55:00
From a phone conversation that transpired just yesterday. Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums Thanks for calling Cox, how can I serve you today? Me Hello, I'd like to cancel my television service. Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums I'm sorry to hear that. Any particular reason you're thinking about getting rid of your service? Me I just rarely watch TV, so it seems silly to keep paying for it. Customer Service Man That Sounds Like Tyrone Biggums [..]
Google Translate: Woman Self Descriptions
Published on 2012-06-18 22:28:00
I'm Catholic I will be pregnant the moment you so much as mention a penis Everything happens for a reason I'm a single mother I'm a teacher I'm desperate for you to fill me with your butter, so that I may have offspring of my own. Want to move in? Curvy Fat BBW Ridiculously fat The first thing guy's notice about me is my eyes I moonlight as a hot air balloon. Huge. I have a lot to offer I don't have a lot to offer. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone. I'm new in town and looking [..]
Instagranasty
Published on 2012-05-02 13:10:00
We don't need to have the excruciating daily minutia of your life documented via half-thought-out cell phone photos, wrapped in several layers of indescribably dumb effects. In much the same way that electronic music is for those not musically inclined enough to work an instrument, Instagram is a tool allowing hipsters lacking the creativity and knowledge to substitute a bunch of clicks and whistles in lieu of photos containing real content. Whatever, man. I was into shittily composed photog [..]
Yelp Reviews Of A Local Mexican Bodega
Published on 2012-04-24 13:35:00
24 reviews in English George E. San Diego, CA 2/19/2012 I took one look at the employees there, and knew I was in for some tasty food. They were all fat as hell! Will be coming back here often! Was this review ... ? Becky. C. San Diego, CA 8/05/2011 I. Am. Effing. Impressed. This place had both roosters AND unidentifiable dogs running around the store; that's pretty effing authentic if you ask me. This place is the real deal! Was this review ... ? Cletus T. San Diego, CA 3/ [..]
28 Drunk Trolls Later
Published on 2012-04-12 12:19:00
On May 4th, in the year of our lord 2012 Our jobs, our families, our lives...the world as we know it, will soon be coming to an end As the impending darkness approaches our sleepy planet, it begins to feel like humanity has simply given up Nay. One man with 13 machine guns takes it upon himself to save the human race from an untimely end Trusting only his present, he races towards an uncertain future...likely filled with badass explosions And as the time draws nearer to [..]
The Effects of Juicing
Published on 2012-04-04 12:47:00
Having started my rigorous juicing regiment not too long ago, I thought my readers would like to know about some of the numerous effects, both positive and negative, I've noticed in my life as a result of the fruit / vegetable intake. Day 2 Starting to feel an effect. Woke up this morning with more energy than usual. Life seems like more of a natural, zesty enterprise now It's not without its downfalls though, as I have now been farting non-stop for roughly 15 hours Day 5 Awful dog-farts [..]
Every Damn Time
Published on 2012-03-20 22:07:00
*In the checkout queue* I must say, I'm surprised that they let women handle the money here. I never thought I'd live to see the day. I own $36.42? Hmmm, alright. I carry next to no actual American currency, but worry not, for I believe these food stamps should cover my bill. What do you mean these are just regular stamps, and have no monetary value in this store?! Luckily, I've brought this checkbook with me. Do you accept checks here? I've had this trusty checkbook since 1954; ever [..]
How To: Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping
Published on 2012-03-08 13:58:00
How do I Tell If My Guinea Pig Is Pooping? By Porcupine's Balls, eHow Contributor Pondered over by philosophers and pet owners alike, this ancient mystery, often likened to the human condition, need allude you no further. Difficulty: Moderately Easy Instructions 1 Identify whether or not the particular guinea pig in question is alive or not. Is it? 2a If it's alive, then congratulations! Your guinea pig is most definitely pooping. 2b If it's not alive...frankly, it's probabl [..]
The Fox News Game
Published on 2012-02-29 14:13:00
Also known as the "Remember That One Thing That Happened That Was Obama's Fault? Fuck that guy" game Tacitly, it seems that everything that happens in the US, and lots of things that happen other places as well, are Obama's fault. Even if they're woefully outside of presidential jurisdiction or reach, he's got his finger in lots of little fucked up pies, it seems. The goal of this game to find these things that happen on the Fox News website, and see how, through user-submitted comments, these [..]
Holy Fuck, I Love Chocolate
Published on 2012-02-24 11:18:00
Of course, upon realizing this was indeed an option, Danny DeVito began his training regiment
Volunteers Needed
Published on 2012-02-23 14:21:00
After seeing a desperate facebook advertisement looking for people to join the California volunteer firefighters, I felt filled with the gift of giving. I decided I'd help their cause by giving them some updated, trendy advertisements to help swell their ranks. You want people to risk their ass? Pay them some damn money. I got news for you: if my house is on fire, then not surprisingly, I'm already a volunteer firefighter. I'm attempting to put that shit out, just as well as anyone w [..]
Letter From HR
Published on 2012-02-08 12:42:00
Kalifornia
Published on 2012-01-18 12:36:00
California is not quite the liberal hippy nest that everyone that lives elsewhere portrays it as; it has its fair share of restrictive, and seemingly asinine laws and regulations. To help illustrate, I shall now point out, in order of ascending illegality / difficulty in obtaining, seemingly innocuous everyday things that I can't have in California. Item: Grapefruits imported from any U.S. state Illegality Level: Whoa there, buddy Reason: Fruits and vegetables are serious business. Busi [..]
Let Me Get You The Appropriate Form For That
Published on 2012-01-11 16:18:00
Today, like many weekdays that preceded it, found me sitting at my desk pondering what to do for the mid-day foodings. The obvious choice for those of us who are hungry enough to get up, but not quite hungry enough to move further than mission range from the office toilet, is the coffee cart directly outside the office building. At this fine choice of walking-distance dining establishments one can find all manner of sandwiches, soups, candies and various disgusting older women stuck on a middle [..]
Upcoming Modern Marvel Episodes
Published on 2012-01-05 10:38:00
Modern MarvelsSeason...19...still going...still finding marvels...we swear Episode Number Episode Name Originally Aired Image 1 Visible Light 3/5/2012 2 Surprisingly Hard Nipples 3/12/2012 3 Clouds That Look Like Other Things 3/19/2012 4 That Scary Spider You Killed 3/26/2012 5 Hand Tools Made of Stone 4/2/2012 6 That Battleship You Call an Ass 4/9/2012 7 Cum Stains and Rips: Trouser Fashions 4/16/2012 8 My Wife's Farts 4/23/2012 9 Paying for Sex? 4/30/2012 [..]
Inspirational Words For My Gym Friends
Published on 2011-12-28 15:22:00
I wanted to commend you since I see you're up to 125lbs on the chest presses, Eastern Bloc man wearing stereotypical tracksuit and talking to himself in Russian. Nicely done comrade. Looking good on those calf presses, man with world war 2 bomber navigator headphones hooked up to iPod. All the extra weight on your head probably is helping tone your neck as well. Hello! I SAID HELLO! That's an impressive amount of weight you're able to dead lift there, man with ear buds blocking him from [..]
Deconstructing Idiotic Infographics
Published on 2011-12-22 00:11:00
Time for another installment of this ever-popular series. Unfortunately, however, it's still on the same subject of the Occupy movement. Likely as a result of their movement being so legitimate that their followers have to post asinine infographics on the internet to prove how legitimate it actually is. I understand how this is convenient method for them, however, given that their collective employment at The Apple Store affords them the luxury of being near computers all day. Hey, it's not my f [..]
Public Transit: Paddywagon O' Crazy
Published on 2011-12-16 12:17:00
Reminded by a friend recently moving to a new city, and having to rely on public transit to shuffle him to and from his job, I flashed back to just a few years ago when I, too, relied on the moving petri dish that is public transit. Akin to Vietnam, it brought back horrible, awful, smelly memories. I'm sure many of you haven't ridden on a major-metropolitan transportation system before, but despite the many glaring downfalls and drawbacks to the system, it's really not as bad as you think it wo [..]
Holiday Abominations
Published on 2011-12-12 22:14:00
Well, it's that time of year again. The time where the savior for all of those afflicted with crippling holiday fever reminds us of the important teachings from 2000 years ago. And God spake all these words, saying, I am the LORD thy God, which have brought thee out of the house of low disposable income. Yay, I say unto thee, adorn thy horseless carriage with many trinkets and animal parts. For they are clever, and holy, and are wrought with praise and admiration for thine savior on high. And t [..]
Tasty Jams
Published on 2011-12-12 21:46:00
Yes, I Am A Lawyer, Yes I Am Available
Published on 2011-12-09 09:42:00
After spending many sleepless nights researching, and countless hours digging through the California Vehicle Code statutes, I present to you my rock solid traffic defense case, which was submitted to the court.
Your honor, the Sumerians, including the depicted king and law-maker, knew it was aliens, so it's inexcusable for a modern-day court to do anything less than a full acquittal.
I await with bated breath a decision from the court.