Blog Feed: Driving The Short Bus

Aced

Published on 2012-03-19 08:36:38

Whether I’m pitch-forward-into-oblivion drunk or straight-back sober the one thing I won’t do is take credit for other folks’ success. I like to think of myself as a fair and honest man. But I do like to think I’ve helped people along sometimes just by being there. Take this girl that used to live beside me. She’s a semi-professional tennis player, tall girl, about six-two or six-three, long blond hair, kinda gangly but cute, and a pretty good player from what I had heard. Anyway I spo [..] > read more

Let's Talk About Sluts

Published on 2012-03-12 20:57:16

So Rush Limbaugh calls some girl a slut and it makes national news. All of a sudden everyone is offended, even the girls that are sluts. I’ve been calling girls sluts for years and the only people who got offended was the girl, her husband, boyfriend or girlfriend, or any relative that happened to be standing nearby. Not the whole country. Of course I’m not the famous host of a hugely successful radio show with millions of loyal listeners. Unless you know me, you don’t know me. I’m not D [..] > read more

Drive-By

Published on 2012-03-05 21:28:05

Let’s face it, most of reality TV sucks. The only thing dumber than most of these shows are the people that watch them. Why would anyone with an IQ high enough to work a remote watch a show called "The Real Housewives of Atlanta"? You would have to be incredibly easy to amuse. Any show with "wives" or "girlfriends" in the title is going to be a bunch of women in short, tight dresses and stiletto heels, calling each other "hos", spitting, pulling hair, and occasionally slapping somebody’s fac [..] > read more

You Animal!

Published on 2012-03-01 22:06:25

Have you seen her picture; this Meredith Lowell from Cleveland Heights, Ohio? The brave new face of animal activism; she’s charged with soliciting a hit man to cut the throat or at least shoot a random fur-wearer. A real animal lover, this one. Not too many people have this kind of passion for a cause anymore, except when they cast their vote for their favorite American Idol. I know her elevator doesn’t stop at every floor but she still has a lot of good qualities. I’m smitten. She offere [..] > read more

You've Got Mail Dammit

Published on 2012-02-29 21:05:44

These e-mails keep mysteriously popping up on my computer and uh…I’m not sure why. Like the ones from some place called The Alzheimer's Store. I tried the block sender and having them directed to the junk mail file but they somehow keep circumventing my best efforts. I even e-mailed them back pleading with them to stop sending me notices about stuff I don’t need right now. I explained that I don’t think I have Alzheimer's anymore. I asked my friend Steve, the computer guru, why I couldn [..] > read more

Liberty Ain't Free

Published on 2012-02-28 08:42:24

  Most of the times when you go to a restaurant and they tell you there will be a forty-five minute wait before seating; you just shrug it off because it’s never really going to be that long of a wait. Their forty-five minutes is usually around twenty minutes or so. It gives you just enough time to sit at the bar, have a beer and ruminate about how you would change some things in your past if you could go back and have a do over. Like the time you ran that elderly man down as he hobbled acr [..] > read more

Hot Lead

Published on 2012-02-25 15:29:14

A man was arrested in Kitchener, Ontario, Canada because his daughter drew a picture of a toy gun at school. She didn’t draw a gun, she drew picture of a gun. She is four years old. He went to pick her up at school and was arrested. The father was taken to the police station, strip searched and then charged with possession of a gun. His home was searched but no gun turned up. He was eventually released after police determined the gun wasn’t real only a drawing of a gun. I am not making this [..] > read more

Run If You Must

Published on 2012-02-23 07:34:37

Yesterday I was sitting in my car at a stoplight trying to decide which nostril to favor first with my finger when a couple of rodeo clowns came trotting by. This is not a normal everyday occurrence. I was intrigued and eagerly anticipated the bull following close behind with a snort and clatter of hooves. The bull didn’t show, the light turned green, and as I pulled away I saw that they weren’t rodeo clowns at all; they were joggers. My bad, but they were certainly dressed like rodeo clowns [..] > read more

My Socks Don't Match Either

Published on 2012-02-21 09:37:49

If you’re a man, and you know if you are or not, then you understand how tricky fashion is. There’s that line between trying to look acceptable and not caring at all. Thankfully the line isn’t thin so we can wander a little bit before our women either crack down or give up on us. I’m thinking the boundaries are somewhere between wearing sweat pants to church and carrying a man purse. The New York Times says men are accessorizing more now that the economy is getting better. They didn’t [..] > read more

You Rang?

Published on 2012-02-18 08:44:36

How was your week? Mine was pretty intense, as weeks in Hell tend to be. The guy that does the second-shift dispatching decided to take a  vacation. He likes to do this occasionally because he doesn’t care about anybody but himself. I think he even called in sick one day about three years ago. Lazy no-account. Anyway, because I’m an idiot, I told my boss, "Sure I’ll dispatch for the week, be glad to." The next time I tell a lie of this magnitude I hope a blood vessel pops in my frontal l [..] > read more

Check Your Bag

Published on 2012-02-16 10:31:37

Remember the "Underwear Bomber"? He’s the nutcase that tried to blow up a plane by igniting a plastic explosive he’d hidden in his shorts. He’s being sentenced today. His real name is Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab; born in Nigeria he was described as a "dream student" by one of his former teachers. Now I admit I’m not familiar with the education system in Nigeria but if you’re going to blow yourself up along with 289 innocent people and the first thing to go will be your crotch, how smart [..] > read more

A One and a Two 2

Published on 2012-02-15 10:18:47

Hey, I see where Adele won a bunch of Grammys. Good for her. It’s amazing what you can accomplish with one song. Apparently I upset a couple of people so much by calling her a "one hit wonder" they "unfriended" me, harsh, but I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong. She’s a two hit wonder if I’ve ever seen one. She’s A BIG Star and I do mean big. But what do I know about music? I’m still hoping the Monkees will get back together. I admire Adele so much for all that’s she been thro [..] > read more

Uh Oh, I'm an Unfriend Now

Published on 2012-02-14 11:27:41

I was "unfriended" on Facebook recently by someone I don’t even know and I can’t tell you how much that hurt. I was devastated. My crime was making an unkind remark about a celebrity, a singer; a lady wildly successful and richer than anyone reading this will probably ever hope to be. Apparently people take their entertainment dollar seriously. The person who unfriended me was more than likely not related to the entertainer, or friends with her other than on Facebook. I’m sure she has neve [..] > read more

Hair Apparent

Published on 2012-02-12 08:57:37

There’s a fault line that runs through the parking lot of the beauty shop where my wife plies her trade. The pavement is all broken, chipped, and strewn about. No one has felt a tremor; no coffee sloshed on an unsuspecting crotch but there must be occasional earthquakes because those cracks just refuse to mend; or maybe the owner of the property is just too cheap to care. Brave women traipse across this little minefield daily, risking tripping, falling, breaking their newly-coiffed hair. Nothi [..] > read more

Let Me Have a Word with You

Published on 2012-02-09 07:33:00

If you ever take time from your busy day to sit down and actually read this blog, thank you. If during the course of reading this blog you say to yourself, "What in the hell is he talking about?"-don’t worry; you haven’t missed some subtle, clever innuendo. Some of the references here are so obscure I don’t get them either. For instance I was going to title a piece about Eli and Peyton Manning, "Up against the wall bad-neck brother". If you got that, congratulations, you’re old. If you d [..] > read more

Happy Fish

Published on 2012-02-08 22:52:56

You probably don’t ride down the road thinking of two words that really don’t go together, like rap music or artificial intelligence. I’m sure you have more important things to do while driving, like text, yap on the phone, or scan your I-Pod looking for that one perfect song. Since I spend a lot more time behind the wheel than the average person I run out of things to say or listen to fairly quickly. I’m left  entertaining myself by making up my own two-word combinations; angry anus a [..] > read more

Number Two with a Bullet

Published on 2012-02-02 07:57:14

So Don Cornelius decides to off himself with a self-inflicted gunshot wound? He must have had a big ol’ Soooooouuulll…Paaaiiinnn. "Who died?" Bob, a co-worker asked. "Don Cornelius." I said. "Who?" Never mind. I can’t believe a sixty-six-year-old white man has never watched Soul Train. It’s hard to imagine Bob not gyrating in his living room back in the day, emulating the dance moves he’s seeing on TV; getting his groove on so he can go out and work the stone cold club scene. Who indee [..] > read more

Too Stupid to Die

Published on 2012-02-01 09:47:07

Since the year 2001 there have been seventeen killers moved from death row to the general prison population in North Carolina. These seventeen men were convicted and sentenced but received a reprieve their victims never did. Why? They were deemed mentally incompetent. They are too stupid to die. Let’s look at a few cases. A Forsyth County man broke into an apartment, shooting a man and a female child during the course of a robbery. Thankfully that was enough for him and he didn’t murder the [..] > read more

It Really is Just a Number

Published on 2012-01-30 07:58:16

My friend Jeff is a grumpy old man, a "friggin’ curmudgeon" a mutual friend calls him. But boy is he entertaining. He has a depth of knowledge in politics, history, and other trivial things like that. He also has a great collection of jokes, can talk sports, and knows a lot of big words that I write down to look up later. But he’s not a loudmouth or a showoff. He has an easy manner and a quick smile, but my favorite thing about him is that he’s real. I hope to be like him when I reach his [..] > read more

How'd That Get There?

Published on 2012-01-29 15:57:09

Okay, everybody that has had a sex change raise your hand. Let’s see…nobody? Okay, anybody considering it? No one? Hmmm…the lopping off of parts you’re familiar with, or possibly even fond of despite the trouble they’ve gotten you into in the past, must make people a little squeamish. Then there’s the reattaching of unfamiliar things that you previously only used as recreational equipment; never having had to maintain or work with them on a daily basis. I imagine there’s some adjus [..] > read more

Thanks

Published on 2011-03-31 10:51:11

If you’re going to have a book signing, show up with a pen and books. This is fairly basic stuff. I captured a pen but we ran out of books. Not my fault and more are on the way. Everyone understood. It was a nice problem for sure, not having to lug > read more

Have Pen Will Travel

Published on 2011-03-30 10:18:00

Have pen will travel. I never seem to have a pen. A friend suggested I buy a pen holster to hook to my belt. Do they make such a thing? I hope not. Some well-meaning person would maybe buy me one for Christmas. Would anything say "dipshit" quite like > read more

Saturday Morning

Published on 2011-03-24 09:53:20

Saturday morning, the day of my first; and maybe only, book signing. Who knows what the future may bring. I had a plan, such a simple plan really. I arise and with a good cup of coffee, leisurely watch the morning news and catch up on my e-mails. But > read more

Next Week, A Telethon

Published on 2011-03-20 21:33:00

Suddenly, without warning and little provocation, I’ve become one of those people. The kind you start avoiding. I may be a close friend or family member but for the next year or so it’s probably best you keep your distance. Is it some sort of com > read more

Dear Dan

Published on 2011-02-14 09:45:29

Dear Dan, My husband of thirty years and I attended my high school reunion recently. At the party I ran into an old sweetheart of mine, "Trevor". The sparks flew between us. I had forgotten how handsome and charming he was. When he told me he was a > read more

Say it with Diamonds

Published on 2011-02-07 08:43:03

I hate Valentine’s Day’s guts. I was led to believe only a few short weeks ago that Christmas was the time to open up my wallet and prove my love. Now this made-up holiday tells me I was mistaken. There's more money to spend? How can this be? How > read more

White Trash Christmas

Published on 2010-12-17 21:51:40

    Me and Jamie Lyn had many a reason to celebrate that most wonderfulest time of the year. After many tries and not a little heartbreak we were finally accepted at Sporting Wood, one of the finer mobile home parks in Davidson County, thank you > read more

CONcept!

Published on 2010-12-08 07:44:55

CONcept! It was early morning and I was standing out on my back deck, buck naked, enjoying a cup of steaming hot, Columbian brew. The neighbors have complained in the past about my clothing optional lifestyle but I remain untroubled by their tires > read more

Flying the Too Friendly Skies

Published on 2010-11-21 19:42:55

Flying the Overly-Friendly Skies "If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested." This is what it’s come to. Common sense is officially dead. I’ll miss you common sense. Things were a whole lot easier when people used you instead of your idioti > read more

Nov. 17th

Published on 2010-11-17 21:03:16

Thanks to an amazing series of events not unlike falling down a flight of stairs while holding on to a cup of hot coffee without spilling it, scalding the hair off the back of your hand; my book is getting published. The wonderful, misguided people a > read more

Ride of the Century

Published on 2010-10-18 20:05:58

Here's the Leonards and the Nimoys. The Desmonds and the Tutus. I felt the hot afternoon sun burning my neck. I ran my tongue around the inside of my mouth, exploring the newly formed Dan Canyon. A fresh awareness settled into my jagged consciousne > read more

Road Show

Published on 2010-10-18 20:01:54

This morning shaped up rare and sweet, I was running on time. Then I dropped my teeth. They're my good ones too, my weekend set. I reached down for them, lost my balance and kicked them under the car. Down on my wet, cold knees blindly groping, I re > read more

The Sucker Effect

Published on 2010-10-18 19:56:43

  I got a call from an old friend the other day, or at least I thought she was a friend until she went into her spiel. She done gone and wrapped herself up in a funky new religion. The religion of Zango, Zango, sweet mango. It seems this company ha > read more

There's No Reverse on a Bicycle

Published on 2010-10-18 19:49:44

  ...I couldn't believe Richard Lawtry was still riding. I had to give it to him, he was a tough old bird. "I think he wants another, Ducky." "Quack." "My God man." Cried Mr. Lawtry. "Mercy. I only need a mile and a half and I'll have a million. > read more

Sorta Like English, Yet Better

Published on 2010-10-18 19:30:59

      You want to speak a foreign language? Try proper English by God. I did. Near kilt me. Apparently there's something called a preposition or a phrase. Don't get me lying. Who knew? I spoke forth at a family picnic, using gerunds and lively > read more

Slip Slidin' Away

Published on 2010-10-18 18:56:24

  Well I've finally fought my way out of a Winter Olympic induced coma. Whew. That was a close call. I may never watch TV again. Now God forbid I disparage this once every four year spectacle of grace and beauty but aren't the Winter Olympics real > read more