Blog Feed: Dead Class Pets

I'm going to go out on a limb, here, and say that it's very likely that you have heard/seen/read something about the upcoming presidential election with the last nine and a half seconds.

We are NOT Joking Around, Here

Published on 2012-08-13 08:00:00

This summer I have been getting lots of advice on the impending baby situation that will be happening this fall.

Brought to You by the Letter T

Published on 2012-08-06 09:32:00

Some words are so much on your mind, that they're always just a hair away from being pushed down the direct-to-mouth chute and landing out in the world.For example, if you're eight years old and you're thinking about poop, the chances are extremely high that the word "poop" is going to tumble out of your mouth.

When Do They Become Awesome?

Published on 2012-07-30 08:48:00

I'm pretty much a rock star with siblings.

How to Be a Kid

Published on 2012-07-23 08:00:00

Why?

Well That is Certainly One Way to Put It

Published on 2012-07-16 06:00:00

If you're out of school, we'll want to know where you've been.Were you visiting your cousins in Cleveland?

(May Work, May Not)

Published on 2012-07-09 17:10:00

One important skill when working with children is to be able to manufacture and sell The Next Best Thing when The Actual First Best Thing has gone terribly wrong.One year, the Actual First Best Thing was a field trip to go skating.

I'm Going Out with Number 14 !

Published on 2012-04-22 21:36:00

Samuel Alito Thinks I'm Funny

Published on 2012-03-28 20:29:00

Today I received THE.

Excitement and Adventure

Published on 2012-03-19 16:41:00

In my opinion, a successful student departure from the classroom would go roughly as follows:*When (and only when) called by a teacher, gather all belongings, including your lunchbox and homework, and even that project you've left here for three days.*Pause momentarily at another group's table to pick up and throw away the crumpled paper towel that had been left out, out of strong concern for the cleanliness of the classroom as a whole.*Turn and wave silently (a wink would do, too), without disr [..]

The Most Delicious Flavor of All

Published on 2012-03-11 14:27:00

It's here! The new taste sensation sweeping the third grade!No, I'm not talking about cherry flavoring that's so tasty that kids are willing to overlook the fact that it's actually attached to medicine. Though, a couple of sprays of cherry Chloraseptic was certainly a big hit a few years ago.And nope, not watermelon slices either. Those had their heyday the year that they fetched $5 per bag on the behind-the-cubbies-black-market, and have since dwindled in popularity.Falementines were all the [..]

The Most Evil Product in My Classroom

Published on 2012-02-26 21:10:00

Dear 3-M Research and Development Team, WhileI thoroughly appreciate many of your products, I feel obligated to inform youthat pop-up dispenser Post-Its are officially the most evil office product evercreated. Allow me to elaborate. Firstly,you should know that thousands of pads of pop-up dispenser Post-Its have madetheir way into my classroom, posing as regular Post-Its. It is therethat I have discovered the multitude of ways in which you have clearly designedthis product to be an abomina [..]

Advice

Published on 2012-02-10 17:44:00

So I'm just now done collecting all of my nickels for each time someone has asked me these luuuuvvvv-related questions. I have used my newfound abundance of nickels to award three lucky readers instant-gratification copies of My Funny Valentine!As it turns out, children are not only experts in pick-up lines, but also pretty fantastic sources of nutrition and marriage advice. Hold on - that could be read as a suggestion to eat children for their nutritional value. Let's try again: Children are [..]

Bam! Right to Your Kindle

Published on 2012-02-07 18:00:00

Man, if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me these questions this Valentine's Day season! What can I say to a guy when he fails to drop his current girlfriend for me? Are the girlfriend's freckles fair game for insults?What three choices should I give a potential date following my "How are you doing?" pick-up line? Should one of the multiple choice options be, "Sexy?" How do I end a Valentine's Day card that starts with, "I don't love you" ?I know that many of you out there are in [..]

Magnet Man

Published on 2012-02-02 17:44:00

Some might call them an impulse purchase.I call them...um....objectively awesome. Take a gander:I was at Staples several years ago to pick up some blankDVDs and a plastic pencil box, or something equally personality-free, whenthis guy caught my eye. "Do Ineed a set of magnets that look like a little dude coming out of the metalsurface of your choice?" I asked myself in front of the aisle 4endcap. YES! I mean, why would I affix a paper tothe board with a lame-colored circle of boringness whe [..]

The Purple Basket is Coming for You

Published on 2012-01-26 17:17:00

I am rather surprised to report that classroom cleaning has gone too far.The road to the current situation of over-cleaning began with the problem of too much being left out at the end of the day. A dense layer of pencils, folders, papers, pencils, a plastic fork from lunch, pencils, a tissue, journals, a math game piece, books, a glue stick, plus a couple of pencils, spread evenly throughout the classroom is a typical scene after the kids have gone. During dismissal, I send out troops to find [..]

Now on Amazon!

Published on 2012-01-22 20:10:00

Love is in the air! And by that, of course, I mean red-wrapped, heart-shaped candy is in the air!Yes, Valentine's Day Candy Season has begun. And what better way to enjoy a box of chocolates than while reading America's most hilarious writers on the subject of love, romance, and other complications? If you're looking for suggestions for foolproof pick-up lines, there are some dynamite ones on page 52 of the brand-new humor collection, My Funny Valentine: America's Most Hilarious Writers Take O [..]

Who Wears That?

Published on 2012-01-09 17:07:00

Today I was called out on not having weather-appropriateshoes by an eight-year-old. Surprisingly enough, it was not the first time an eight-year-old boy hasweighed in on my attire.This afternoon we were out on the playground, kidsfrolicking in the light dusting of flakes that had begun falling. I had just intervened in a playgroundcollision incident between a couple of kids in the other third grade class,which ended with Mykell and Donivan both coming out alright. Just before she bounded away [..]

Keep It on the Down Low

Published on 2012-01-03 16:51:00

The news would have caused a wide-spread hysteria that I just wasn't up for.The news, that is, of what was hanging out at the bottom of the recycling bin. (You know this is not going to be pretty--stories of trash cans and other trash-adjacent receptacles rarely end well. OK wait--I seem to have amassed a fair number of trash stories over the years....)We begin at the top of the recycling bin, however, where I spotted a couple of decidedly non-recyclable items. "You know what does not belong [..]

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Poster Man!

Published on 2011-12-13 22:32:00

images.wikia.comYes, you too can become your very own superhero! All it takes is a cape or sufficiently cape-looking item, and you're golden.Alana, Tarik, and I were busily preparing last week after school for our big school presentation. We were down the hall, sprawled out on the floor, creating some posters on sticky-backed chart paper. Packing up all of the materials to head back to the classroom, Alana carried the markers and one poster, Tarik had the meter stick for tracing lines and ano [..]

Three Things You Don't have to Worry About

Published on 2011-12-06 18:42:00

STOLEN IDEA ALERT: Time magazine publishes various "Things You Don't have to Worry About This Week." I like it. I'm borrowing.Three Things You Don't have to Worry About This Weekimage: Wikipedia1. Losing Money on iPod Stocks: If you are worried about "retro" music technology becoming the hot new trend, eclipsing sales of mp3 players--never fear. LPs are not making a comeback--at least not with the eight year old crowd. Third graders don't even know what they're called, as I discovered last w [..]

Your Awesomeness

Published on 2011-11-27 20:42:00

Any day that the Mathemagical Wizard shows up at school is an awesome day.He drops by our whole school meetings to deliver the new mathemagical problem of the week, and is met with the appropriate level of amazement for a real, live, purple and blue robed, white bearded, silver star pointy hat-wearing wizard. amazon.comSome students are a little unsure what to make of the wizard. Some mistakenly think he is actually Mr. Jeff, dressed up as the Mathemagical Wizard, but they are wrong. Some stu [..]

Overdue

Published on 2011-06-30 15:17:00

polyvore.com The public library and I disagree on what constitutes exemplary borrowing behavior. A couple of weeks before school was out, I rounded up all of the government-related boo

Charge It

Published on 2011-06-23 14:31:00

FieldDayProgressReportsParentConferencesEndofYearComplimentsEighthGradeGraduationFamilyPotluckLastDayOfSchoolWorkshopsPackingUpTheRoomand..DONE!Somewhere in this whirlwind end of the school year, I saw my first class of third graders at this school h

The Captain of Karate

Published on 2011-06-11 16:00:00

Sitting down to craft an end-of-the-year compliment about every other student in the class is no easy task. What if you can't think of anything specific? What if there's some bad blood between you and one of your classmates? What do

Meet Fart--er, uh, Frank

Published on 2011-06-05 19:40:00

In a recent story I was editing, Charles had chosen some names for his characters that he seemed to think were Pretty Dang Hilarious. His editor, however, did not think they were Pretty Dang Hilarious, but rather Borderline Inappropriate.I wasn

Get It?

Published on 2011-05-30 09:00:00

Third graders appreciate a good joke. Wait--let me rephrase. Third graders appreciate a super corny joke. The other day I was putting together some math work with a joke at the end, and searched around online a bit before finding th

Here's Lookin' At You

Published on 2011-05-24 19:37:00

The stage was set.The actors were in position.The plastic gavel that's broken on one side from over-eager silencing was in place in the prop box, ready to be used on its other side.The play began--the culmination of our semester in drama.The lines ha

This Post Makes Me Sick

Published on 2011-05-18 16:59:00

Now is the time when I'm going to advise you to leave this blog....and hop on over to another one. I'm up today on An Army of Ermas, writing on this month's theme of childhood memories.If you're wondering whether it's worth going over there, he

Celebritocracy

Published on 2011-05-14 09:41:00

If you are a child growing up in the District of Columbia, you miss out on the chance to memorize fun facts such as your state bird or your state flower. Actually, thanks to a little quick research I found out that we, in fact, do have an offic

Randomly Encountered Children

Published on 2011-05-08 15:20:00

In all of the time that kids spend in classrooms, they generate a rather large number of quotes and entertaining stories. But they don't turn off when they leave school for the day, and sadly a lot of their material is beyond my purview.

Boi-oi-oing!

Published on 2011-04-30 16:30:00

Yesterday morning I was making some copies before school in the copy room. One of my early students, Aria, popped in to throw something away in the trash can, and the headed back to beforecare. I turned back to the copier after saying "Go

Sincerely

Published on 2011-04-27 20:44:00

I've certainly gotten my share of notes from students over the years, but yesterday was a first.Emoticons.Tyler has recently been learning how to email, and wrote to me last night to ask about a tough homework problem after first inserting a lengthy

No Offense to Children

Published on 2011-04-21 17:51:00

Ahhh. Spring break. A time to stop and relax for a minute, to succumb to germs as soon as I do stop and relax for a minute, to visit with friends and family, and...to recover from the germs. Check, check, check, and...working on it.

Excuses

Published on 2011-04-12 17:59:00

It happens even the best of parents sometimes. Meant to get to school on time but....."We found Carli's hamster dead."And it happens to bloggers too. Meant to get a new post up but......"Brother peed pants." Oh, no--wait. That

Let Me Make Sure I Have This Right

Published on 2011-04-01 21:21:00

Recess? Or special project? Recess? Special project?It's really a no brainer for most kids. Even when presented with the opportunity to do something pretty cool during recess, very few things could be worth staying in for.&nbs

Don't Get Too Jealous

Published on 2011-03-29 17:08:00

Yeah. Whatever. I'm not jealous. Ours is just as good.My husband, Nate, received this announcement today about a special guest coming to his campus tomorrow. He promptly forwarded the email to me and I was promptly and extreme

Jokes

Published on 2011-03-27 13:30:00

Recently I've been trying out some new stand-up material. No, I'm not going on a comedy tour, but I have attempted a joke or two this past week at the Take a Break Chair.Some situations that precipitate the Take a Break Chair have recommended

A REALLY Bad Habit

Published on 2011-03-21 18:34:00

Let's face it. Adults are boring.Well, I suppose it's not that we're categorically boring all of the time, but that we have an "efficiency" setting that allows us to complete tasks without throwing in a lot of unnecessary excitement. Test

Stuff that Sounds Like Other Stuff

Published on 2011-03-17 13:00:00

Stuff that sounds like other stuff thwarts us daily in the third grade. "Establishing" is not the same as "publishing." "Contraction" and "fraction"--also deceptively similar. And a "tampon" is not the larva form of a frog. I

I Am Now a Sophomore

Published on 2011-03-14 20:21:00

Ms. Garb, It's been a while since you were my fourth grade teacher, but I wanted to write to you and say that I owe all of my life successes directly to you. My academics skyrocketed, I became a fantastic person, and I remember every sing

Get Alright Soon

Published on 2011-03-07 17:24:00

rogallery.com Andy WarholWhat's the quickest way to get seven best friends? Be out sick from school for a few days!Today for morning work I asked the Turtles to make some cards for a classmate who's been out sick and who will be out for a few m

Aw Shucks

Published on 2011-02-28 13:00:00

Not to toot my own horn, but Alonzo told me today that I'm his second favorite teacher. So yeah. I'm kind of a big deal.clipartpal.comI'm fairly certain this pronouncement was precipitated by today's mini field trip. We went out to

We've Got Good News and Bad News....

Published on 2011-02-23 21:12:00

Here's a quick quiz for you:World news is....A) important to know aboutB) not followed by many third gradersC) scaryD) all of the above If you answered D, you are correct! Today we read in our Time for Kids news magazine about the protest

Mini Vacation Reality

Published on 2011-02-21 17:13:00

Image: MicrosoftRecipe for a Mini Vacation1 Professional Development Day1 Day Off that Teachers and Students All Need2 Weekend Days1 Presidents' DayBake at 350. Enjoy!Pre-Mini Vacation OptimismWow! So much time off! I will relax.&nb

They. Are. After Me.

Published on 2011-02-15 14:00:00

They. Are. After me.They could be lurking around any corner. They could spring out at any minute and attack. I know they’re coming for me. It’s just a matter of when.They are the Girl Scouts.image: recolburn.wordpres

New Addition

Published on 2011-02-12 15:51:00

"It's weird" said Jasmine the other day as I came around to help kids with their morning work. "When I came to school, I was an only child. When I go home I'm going to have a brother!"image: ghgiftshop.orgIndeed, it must have been a weird

More Effective than eHarmony

Published on 2011-02-07 13:00:00

Are you looking for love this Valentine's Day? If so, you won't want to miss the tips I've posted over at An Army of Ermas today! One of my favorite quotes from a confiscated love note would definitely work as a pick-up line, no?How are y

Thank You Progress Reports!

Published on 2011-02-03 13:00:00

I never thought I'd actually appreciate Progress Report Writing Season--a period so taxing that not only does it deserve capital letters but also a contest among my teacher friends for who can finish the beastly things first. The race to finish

New and Shiny

Published on 2011-01-30 13:34:00

This past week we passed the halfway mark for this school year. And, well, it shows. Many things around the room are still in good condition, but there are visible signs of wear and tear from 90 days of heavy use.The group pencil boxes ar

Carnival

Published on 2011-01-26 17:08:00

Let me tell you about carnivals, people.lighterfootstep.comFor 179 school days, I've got classroom systems, routines, and procedures all designed to prevent school from becoming some kind of do-whatever-you-want carnival. Which is why, at my ol

Nicknames

Published on 2011-01-24 22:10:00

I am not a nickname person. Perhaps it's because I have no real nicknames myself (Sarah is pretty hard to shorten), but if you tell me your name, I will always call you that exact name. If your name is Jessica, I will call you...Jessica.&

I Got Something Else Out of That

Published on 2011-01-17 14:42:00

airstylearts.comLast week we went to a performance of Spanish and Latin American music and dance. While there were a couple of parts of the performance that sort of dragged, overall the kids were fascinated by the dancers and musicians. O

Guess What

Published on 2011-01-12 18:44:00

If you've correctly deciphered the newly coined third grade words and phrases, you've figured out that Jacob's "leg knuckles" are really his knees, a "fa-LEM-entine" is a delicious fruit, the bathroom was not so much "out of water" as it was "out of

Leg Knuckles

Published on 2011-01-09 21:44:00

google.com/products Everyone knows Jenga, right? Or the term 'bachelorette party?' I mean, even if you don't regularly play the block stacking game or if you've never been to a bachelorette party, they're just things everyone knows

Happy to Help.....

Published on 2011-01-06 14:00:00

Image: debidrecksler.blogspot.comAfter school programs are like gold mines for cleaning/stacking/sharpening helper elves. You know what I'm talking about. Dismissal hits and you release all of the children into the wild. Then, you s

A New Year, a New Fake Pair of Specs

Published on 2011-01-03 16:52:00

Poof! Glasses!That was my first thought as Cassidy walked in the room this morning. She stared up at me through the new eyewear and beamed, daring me to NOT notice this new development happening on her face."I got glasses!" she exclaimed.

I Just Don't Do Those Things

Published on 2011-01-01 11:34:00

There are two approaches to New Year's resolutions. One approach is to optimistically resolve to change something about your life, your commitment to hair brushing, or your homework habits. This is what all of my students do when, well, w

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