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Joe Renby: Marketing Director
Published on 2011-10-31 15:04:59
It's been a while since Joe Renby has written any letters. He wants to try and break into the world of marketing, and has decided to try his luck with the biggest organisation in the UK: Her Majesty's Government. > read more
“Iago make me lose my mind…”
Published on 2011-09-25 12:44:02
In a similar vein to yesterday's post, I'm having trouble understanding why DMX is so insistent upon rapping about Iago, the villainous parrot sidekick in Disney's Aladdin, in his track 'Party Up': > read more
“Coat of Personality”
Published on 2011-09-24 10:30:56
A few days ago, I was listening to Living Colour’s ‘Cult of Personality’. You might remember it from playing GTA San Andreas. Now I can’t stop thinking that they’re singing about coats. Listen and see what I mean: Maybe I just really need to buy a coat. It is getting colder. Liam > read more
City worker, occasional blogger.
Published on 2011-09-17 02:00:07
I’ve decided to post less frequently. Work and other commitments mean that I don't have much time to write, so I can't guarantee that what I publish is worth reading. Not that I was able to guarantee that even when I had so much free time that it practically leaked out of all of my orifices. > read more
You may say you enjoy dancing, but I’m on to you.
Published on 2011-09-10 05:17:35
Last night, I was at a work event. As the night progressed, something horrific began to occur: people started occupying the large, empty space at one end of the room. Their bodies contorted in spasmodic rhythms. They motioned for me to join them. Panic slowly set in. They were expecting me to dance. > read more
Lady models have it tough
Published on 2011-09-04 14:51:58
I feel very sorry for lady models. They work really hard at being born good looking, and then they have to be photographed doing ridiculous things. Here are a few examples I found while I was out on my biennial clothes hunt: “Yeah, I’m just sat on some wooden steps with my wabs out. What [...] > read more
Block.
Published on 2011-08-27 06:15:12
As I write this, I’m sat on a train. The panic has set in, and I find I’m at a loss for a topic. I’ve not read anything in the news to write a witty piece about, and I’ve been really busy at work. I looked around, frantically trying to latch on to something, anything. [...] > read more
Joe Renby and the Mayor of London
Published on 2011-08-21 12:27:08
I decided to email the Mayor of London with a genius idea for how to reduce congestion at the Underground ticket barriers during the Olympics. > read more
Texty Feely
Published on 2011-08-06 14:40:13
“You might want to learn how to touch-type”, my new employers told me, “you’ll probably be taking notes at meetings.” Dutifully, I’ve started learning how to use all my fingers when typing, but now I worry that I’m groping my computer. My previous ‘technique’ consisted of banging down on the keys with my index fingers. [...] > read more
The best ways to avoid charity muggers
Published on 2011-07-30 14:09:57
One of the things I miss about living in the countryside is being able to walk down the street without having some attractive young person with a clipboard appeal to my middle class guilt. > read more
“…get round the negotiating table…”
Published on 2011-07-04 06:41:59
Today's Flat Cap nugget is a Tellybox that I did done made. Its source material is the cringeworthy Ed Miliband interview where he answers five different questions with the same answer. > read more
“It’s not you, it’s us.”
Published on 2011-07-01 03:16:16
During my London flat hunt, I got dumped by text. Not by my girlfriend, but by a potential flatmate. Saying that, it was oddly akin to an actual break up. I'd just said that I really wanted the room they were offering, then I didn't hear back from th > read more
Joe Renby and the “females only” flats
Published on 2011-06-29 03:05:29
I'm currently looking for a flat in London. It's amazing how many descriptions initially sound like the perfect flat for me, only to end with 'sorry, females only'. It's made me start to resent my willy. > read more
Grumblings from a second class citizen
Published on 2011-06-27 12:20:45
Do you ever feel a twinge of nostalgia for the days when the poor where kept entirely separate from the fortunate? Those hazy days when social distinctions were concrete and absolute? Well then, you may want to consider visiting Alton Towers. > read more
“Hope I die before I get old…”
Published on 2011-06-24 10:16:19
Yesterday, seemingly out of nowhere, the video for Limp Bizkit's new single, Gold Cobra, appeared on YouTube. But now that the band are reaching forty, the video has an inescapable air of mid-life crisis. > read more
Rise of the Planet of the Apes- An imaginary review
Published on 2011-06-22 06:47:30
You may have seen the trailer for the upcoming prequel of The Planet of the Apes, the snappily-titled Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Well, I've been lucky enough to be invited to an imaginary preview screening. Here's my review. > read more
I put a spell on you…
Published on 2011-06-20 06:32:16
One lonely Valentines night a few years ago, I was looking through my Mum's magazines. As you do. I came across a countdown: Stella's Top 12 Love Spells. "Brilliant!" I thought, "what better way to find true love than to harness supernatural powers t > read more
On holiday
Published on 2011-06-13 03:29:51
I've got a busy week ahead of me, so I'm shirking off Flat Cap duty. Bloggage will resume on the 20th of June. > read more
Well done, Science. You just made cross-species bullying a lot easier.
Published on 2011-06-10 06:34:29
According to a recent article in New Scientist, researchers in Atlanta are devising a method that will enable divers to communicate with dolphins. Am I the only person that thinks this is a terrible idea? > read more
Not a good day for my faith in people.
Published on 2011-06-08 11:34:35
Yesterday I was stuck in traffic on the A63 dual carriageway. Police had ground us to a halt. A man on a bridge in front was threatening to jump off, and police were trying to talk him down. The response of drivers around me? ‘I hope he hurries > read more
For sale: baby shoes, never worn.
Published on 2011-06-06 06:53:27
I have always been fascinated by Ernest Hemingway's shortest short story. Its six words are the title of this piece. What I like is that it gives a narrow peek into an entire life, one which we can only use our imaginations to flesh out. It's this sa > read more
X-men: First Class- An imaginary review
Published on 2011-06-03 03:06:55
I wanted to start a regular film review column, and be like that Mark Kermode. This plan was soon scuppered when I realised how expensive film tickets are now. Eight quid some places are charging. Eight quid! To save money,I've opted to imagine what > read more
Podcasts: why you should listen to them, and some recommendations
Published on 2011-06-01 12:10:42
I've always felt like Podcasts never really set the world on fire as promised. I barely know anyone who listens to them. The initial hype pointed towards the death of Radio, with the old-media deadwood being cast aside in an e-renaissance. Well. Four > read more
Yes, yes, cinema. I know you’re great. That’s why I’m here.
Published on 2011-05-30 12:46:58
Last night, I went to a multiplex cinema on the outskirts of Nottingham. As well as being an aesthetic representation of everything that was awful about the nineties, tickets cost eight pounds. Not a good start. Then I was exposed to no less than fo > read more
Joe Renby and Ed Miliband
Published on 2011-05-27 01:00:52
Joe has been a trifle short of cash recently, so he thought he would put his God-given talents to good use. He's emailed Ed Miliband with a mutually beneficial opportunity. > read more
Nudist web coders: As nature intended?
Published on 2011-05-25 06:39:13
Often, the internet is a wonderful and bizarre place. Then there are times when it gets downright creepy. Nude-house.com is a software company that only employs nudists. The manager, Chris, is currently on a recruitment drive and is looking for nudis > read more
Terminator fan edits: Scourge of the internet
Published on 2011-05-23 03:00:46
There are a lot of good things that can be said about Youtube. Fan edits aren't one of them. > read more
Nudist web coders: As nature intended?
Published on 2011-05-21 06:39:13
I think I've found my new favourite website. Nude-house.com is a software company that only employs nudists. The manager, Chris, is currently on a recruitment drive and is looking for nudist coders strictly of the female variety. > read more
The hard stuff
Published on 2011-05-20 03:00:20
Two engineers from the UK have designed a fabric that solidifies into concrete when you add water. They intend for their invention to be used in humanitarian efforts, enabling solid concrete tents to be erected within two hours. Selfish humanitarian > read more
Facebook Group
Published on 2011-05-18 18:39:16
Angry Flat Cap now has its own Facebook Page. So if you're not a friend reading this out of pity and want regular Flat Cap updates, but you can't be bothered subscribing to the RSS feed, then this page might just be for you. > read more
Joe Renby gets political
Published on 2011-05-18 03:00:43
Joe's been having a spot of trouble and didn't know who to turn to. He eventually decided to email one of those shining bastions of altruism and public service-- his local Conservative MP. > read more
Honestly, Amazon. Try harder.
Published on 2011-05-16 11:42:29
A few months ago, I posted a photo showing how Amazon ridiculously overestimated the amount of packaging they would need to ship a Powerball to me. This week, I received an item that was even more overpackaged. Prepare to be astounded. > read more
Facebook: Blackmailers extraordinaire
Published on 2011-05-13 05:44:24
Last week, I decided to try and deactivate my Facebook account. It was more a cry for help than a genuine attempt. When I reached the deactivation page, however, Facebook started getting really creepy. > read more
Facebook: I do it to myself. I do. And that’s what really hurts.
Published on 2011-05-11 10:16:39
Little known fact: you can download all of the data that constitutes 'your' Facebook. I discovered this when idly browsing through Facebook's privacy settings. With all of the privacy concerns surrounding the internet at the moment, I decided to take > read more
Facebook: Taking the Red Pill
Published on 2011-05-09 10:26:55
Last week I decided to take a week off of social networking. Having used it every day for the last five years. I wanted to see if I could get on alright without it, and if it made me a more productive person. I discovered a lot about myself, not all > read more
Beasties+Politics=Oh dear
Published on 2011-05-06 09:35:21
I'll warn you now: This blog isn't really that funny, and it's probably not that interesting unless you're a fan of the Beastie Boys. I just didn't want you feeling betrayed or misled, or anything. > read more
Joe Renby and Helena, the ‘Psychic’
Published on 2011-05-04 02:54:46
One of the 'psychics' that I emailed as part of Monday's blog has emailed back. Huzzah! Since then, Joe Renby and Helena have been having a bit of frantic email action. > read more
Joe Renby and the ‘Psychics’
Published on 2011-05-02 05:35:27
Joe Renby's not been sleeping very well recently, and has been haunted by a recurring dream. He wants answers-- professional and objective answers from people who would put Joe's wellbeing above all else. Turning to premium rate 'psychics' seemed lik > read more
In Ireland
Published on 2011-04-27 02:00:14
Back on Monday. > read more
David Cameron: social radical
Published on 2011-04-25 07:31:20
Oh, David. You sly fox, you. Here you had me convinced that you were a true child of Thatcher, cutting budgets and restricting social mobility. How wrong I was. All along, you've been secretly trying to make us all upper class by sneaking everyone in > read more
Kate and William have turned me into a nihilist
Published on 2011-04-22 16:05:05
For today’s portion of Angry Flat Cap bile, I decided to look through the Hello! Magazine Royal Wedding iPhone app. Instead of feeling angry, I ended up feeling indifferent and depressed. > read more
Interactive film trailers: a new era for Hollywood?
Published on 2011-04-20 08:35:01
I’m usually not a fan of promotional material being bundled into games. It’s becoming more common for games to come bundled with a trailer for something that has bugger all to do with the game that you bought. But I’m willing to make an excepti > read more
The Room, a work of unintentional genius.
Published on 2011-04-18 06:52:38
What do you get when someone decides to write, direct, and star in a film? Well, sometimes you get Citizen Kane. Other times, you get The Room-- a film so bad it goes past being good and reverts to being bad, but then still has enough bad in reserve > read more
A unique sales opportunity
Published on 2011-04-15 02:41:20
Because iPhones can't block calls, I receive around three cold calls a week from a company called Space Kitchens. They usually get quite rude when they discover that I don't actually own a kitchen. I thought I'd turn the tables and get their hopes up > read more
All hail Hugh Grant
Published on 2011-04-13 14:32:45
Out of the blue, Hugh Grant has just pulled off what could well be the journalistic coup of the year. He may have also set a new par for puns. I think I've just started to fancy him. > read more
“Graphic novel”? Sod off and buy a beret, you pretentious berk.
Published on 2011-04-11 10:08:10
'Graphic novel' is a term used by literary folk who aren't brave enough to admit that they read comic books. That's the top, bottom, middle, and sticky innards of it. They want to be perceived as ‘intellectual’, and are worried that reading comic > read more
My morning with the Pentecostals
Published on 2011-04-09 09:18:05
Rain or shine, they’re there every Saturday morning. They stand at the corner of Market Square in my local town, ensuring that passers-by are aware of the teachings of Christ. Once upon a time I’d have walked on, but, disciple of Dawkins and Darw > read more
Flash: better than Steve Jobs thinks.
Published on 2011-04-06 13:47:36
If you're on the lookout for innovative and thought-provoking games, you need look no further than the Flash scene. Scores of individuals and small teams of enthusiasts are putting big budget productions to shame. > read more
A quick lesson in decorum.
Published on 2011-04-04 13:19:46
It's storytime, folks. Come in, sit on the carpet. Sit with your legs folded and you hands on your knees. Today I'm going to tell you a story that involves my eight year old self, a banana, a vibrator, my teacher, and a Polish pen pal. > read more
Angry Flat Cap’s new direction
Published on 2011-04-01 01:30:12
I've been working on this behind the scenes for some time, and I think now's the right time to share this with you all. I've decided to take Angry Flat Cap in a new direction; one that will hopefully be more enjoyable for me to write, and for you to > read more
01010011 01100101 01111000 01111001
Published on 2011-03-30 14:02:29
As geeky as I am, I have never been able to be sexually aroused by a piece of technology. Labour were, apparently. In a piece on BBC news today, Tony Blair's former IT chief, Ian Watmore, states that Labour ministers regularly used technology to make > read more
Territorial Pissings.
Published on 2011-03-28 14:26:50
When you've had the same bedroom for 23 years, you become somewhat attached to it. Now that I am going to be permanently moving to London as of July, I'm expected to let go and move on. But I can't. Especially not for my sister. > read more
Making a thirteen year old girl cry? That’s low, Internet, even by your standards.
Published on 2011-03-25 14:48:53
When it comes to hearing about what everyone's talking about, I fall to the latter end of the bell curve. Example: I only discovered that Charlie Sheen had a drug problem last week. Now that I've heard about Rebecca Black's 'Friday', I'm pretty certa > read more
I need a Butler
Published on 2011-03-24 14:16:54
You may have noticed that I'm a day late in publishing this blog. The reason is that I've been inspired by Dr Dre's new track, 'I Need a Doctor'-- contender for 2011's biggest wank in front of the mirror. It it, Dre has his bosom buddy, Eminem, rap a > read more
Like comics? Get Scalped. (Not literally.)
Published on 2011-03-21 15:52:19
Sadness is something that comic books don't seem to be able to do very well.* Maybe it has a lot to do with the name of the genre, not to mention its newspaper funny page origins. Comics can do most other emotions with depth and feeling, but not sadn > read more
I’ll forget about the price tag when you do.
Published on 2011-03-19 10:01:04
Apologies for being so late off the mark with this. I literally only just heard this song for the first time a few days ago. > read more
The time I’ve saved over the course of my life by skipping the intro to The Sopranos
Published on 2011-03-16 14:03:03
I spend a lot of my time watching US TV. Why? It's leagues ahead of most of our output. But despite the better writing, acting, and production values, they do often have inconceivably long intros. I make a habit of skipping these after I've seen them > read more
They would help us if it was the other way round.
Published on 2011-03-14 14:12:23
This isn't the sort of piece that I would usually write, so I'm sorry if it comes across all preachy. > read more
My favourite sketch
Published on 2011-03-11 13:20:14
Not a long blog post tonight. This comes from Chris Morris's relentlessly dark Jam, and is about as far away from 'four candles' as you can get. > read more
GUEST POST: Collection box soapbox
Published on 2011-03-10 15:53:25
I've asked my good friend Tom to give us another insight into the volunteer sector. This week: his anger at the abuse of volunteer workers. > read more
I love the way you lie (about words).
Published on 2011-03-09 13:19:29
But that's not strictly true is it, Eminem? That's not why they call it 'windowpane'. To actually show why they call it 'windowpane', I have consulted the Oxford English Dictionary. > read more
RE: Your Blatant Phishing Scam (Part 2)
Published on 2011-03-07 14:00:20
I thought I'd let you see how I was getting on in hassling the spammers offering me false job prospects. Here's where we stand, as of today. > read more
It’s not all about you, Fred Durst.
Published on 2011-03-05 09:27:24
Limp Bizkit's Chocolate Starfish and the Hotdog Flavored Water was one of the defining albums of my early adolescence. I still listen to it as a guilty pleasure sometimes. Fred Durst is a notorious egomaniac, and he often talks about himself on this > read more
BRB
Published on 2011-03-04 15:53:58
Currently hard at work on tomorrow’s piece. It will be up tomorrow. > read more
Bourneville
Published on 2011-03-02 13:12:28
One of my pet gripes is lazy film reviews. Those for films featuring Matt Damon are a perfect case in point. Have you noticed how since 'The Bourne Identity', pretty much every poster for a vaguely action-oriented film starring Matt Damon has quoted > read more
SWEARBOX
Published on 2011-02-28 14:50:31
It’s now been two months since I resolved to give £1 to Shelter for every time I swore in a blog. Since then I’ve only swore once. And that time was on purpose. That makes me seem very tight. To resolve this, I will now swear nine more t > read more
GUEST BLOG: Some bloke you don’t know and are unlikely to get to know’s life story
Published on 2011-02-23 13:37:02
Feeling guilty about leaving you alone without a babysitter, I have commissioned a friend of mine to write a guest blog. His name is Tom. He’s lovely and he works for Oxfam. Drawing from experience, he’s written a piece on how doing a PGC > read more
Once more
Published on 2011-02-21 13:29:26
Going to be taking another week off of Angry Flat Cap, as I have a lot on at the moment. My bile spewing will resume next week on the 28th. > read more
Re: Your Blatant Phishing Scam
Published on 2011-02-18 13:46:54
Back in my job hunting days, I uploaded my CV to a number of job hunting sites. Bit silly really, because now I get a lot of spam promising me £50k a year for four minutes’ work per week. These people will try anything to catch a sucker. As > read more
Deadwood
Published on 2011-02-16 16:24:32
American TV is very ‘in’ these days, haven’t you noticed? I haven’t been able to watch anything for longer than 20 seconds without some advert for Sky Atlantic HD twinkling at me, telling me how I could be watching Don Draper& > read more
February 14th
Published on 2011-02-14 15:25:22
Being someone who (predictably) has little patience with Valentine’s day, I’ve found it useful to compile a list of other occasions marked by February 14th. That way, I’m never without an excuse for why I forgot to buy my girlfriend > read more
IOU
Published on 2011-02-11 14:45:26
It’s been a long week, and I’m tired. I could rush a substandard-but-on-time piece out tonight, or I could actually put in some effort tomorrow. Who knows? I might even whip out something truly spectacular like the elusive Grand Unified T > read more
…Now that I can dance
Published on 2011-02-11 10:01:35
In today’s blog, I’ll be deconstructing the 1962 song ‘Do You Love Me’ by The Contours. You may recall it from the scene in Dirty Dancing where everyone’s dry humping each other’s leg. Here’s the song, comple > read more
Casual Gaming’s Latest Victim
Published on 2011-02-09 16:06:31
I haven't written a sentence like this and published it on the internet since I was fourteen, but here goes: I feel depressed and empty. Why do I feel like this? Don't worry, it's not angst. I haven't dug out the baggy jeans and started listening to > read more
Miss the rain?
Published on 2011-02-07 14:10:00
I recently heard the 90's dance pop classic 'Missing', by Everything but the Girl.It was the first time I'd heard it in years. It used to really annoy me when I was eight, due to the lyric "I miss you like the deserts miss the rain". Fifteen years on > read more
Pea Green Boat
Published on 2011-02-04 14:39:41
“I’m having problems relating to my crew member, having never been a great fan of cats, nor they of birds”. It’s been a while since I shoved a recommendation down your throat. I hope to remedy this with the following post. You > read more
Kids Today.
Published on 2011-02-02 13:35:32
I continue my descent into lazy photojournalism with this next piece. While walking along a canal in Nottingham, I met with a familiar cliché of teenage rebellion. You will have no doubt come across it as well. I’m talking, of course, about th > read more
The Long Awaited Return Piece
Published on 2011-01-31 14:23:18
Two weeks have gone by and I’m back. After such a lengthy break I should feel refreshed, reinvigorated, revived. This piece should be my return to form, my White Album. Polemic to set the world on fire. Invective that shines and shows the way. So w > read more
(Another) Holiday
Published on 2011-01-17 12:15:41
As much as I enjoy shoving my opinions down my friends' throats, I'm going to have to take a break from this blogging lark again. I've got a busy couple of weeks coming up with law applications and whatnot, and to have any hope of having a renumerati > read more
Ip dip…
Published on 2011-01-14 16:11:44
The second week of January 2006 wasn't one of my best. I received a rejection letter from Cambridge. I discovered that my girlfriend at the time was two timing me with someone I had counted as a friend. I had my January A2 exams to contend with. I al > read more
The time I almost embarrassed myself in front of Stewart Lee
Published on 2011-01-12 12:20:09
It was August 2008, and I was at the Edinburgh Festival with some friends. We had just watched Stewart Lee perform at The Stand. Great venue and a top set. He’s one of my idols. As we chatted to him outside, my desperate need to impress kicked > read more
King of the World?
Published on 2011-01-10 13:09:04
I recently got a Blu Ray copy of the 3D visual effect bluestravaganza that is Avatar. Remember the environmentalist themes that were so prominent throughout? No? Well, neither did the Blu Ray's production company. > read more
Politeness
Published on 2011-01-07 13:29:41
Working in customer service for almost eight years has made me overly polite. I've literally spent thousands of hours of my life bending to the wills of others. This has shaped who I am as a person, as was shown when an intruder entered my tent one n > read more
Wouldn’t it be nice…
Published on 2011-01-05 16:06:05
As I settled back into the 9 to 5 wage grind and realised that Christmas is truly over, I decided it's time to find somwhere for the presents that have been residing on my bedroom floor. That's when I cast my eyes on this FCUK Deodorant/Pants combo, > read more
Resolution
Published on 2011-01-03 12:17:25
I don't normally do New Year's Resolutions. Past resolutions have always failed within a matter of days, leaving my overactive inferiority complex with enough gloating material to keep it going for a good three months. That being said, I've decided t > read more
The Best of Angry Flat Cap: 2010
Published on 2010-12-31 11:08:57
Because if sitcoms are allowed to do hastily cobbled together 'best of' episodes, then I'm allowed to do an end of year best of. That alright? > read more