ok, i’ve a secret, it was a long time ago, when i had nothing else to do, i spent 29 years attempting to write a book. well – if you read this tease you might realise it’s not 29 years, but it was rather a long time ago … it is rude, much ruder than tbaoo, so look out – if you’re offended by language, cynicism and just plain obnoxious and deliberate sexist attitude, i’d click off now … please go here

warning !!! ladies won’t like this, my bride sure didn’t, but it ain’t really aimed at the ladies.

so here dear reader, as you’ve steadied yourself for more, is the first part of the first chapter, i’d love your feedback. mills and boon it won’t be and it won’t be syndicated in any women’s magazine i know of, but that’s the style, ( sort of blokey ) sleazy and rough, with some lame “strobulation” towards clever use of the english language .. shit i thought it was clever.

This morning’s wank was one of the best in a long while, although I don’t know why, maybe it’s the new soap. It’s refreshing that a shower has so many uses…

So another work week begins in my newly acquired career as an EHO. No fucker except an EHO knows exactly what that is though, not even the people I work for. “Environmental Health Officer” is the current name for what used to be known as a health inspector. Of course I could rattle through the complete and professional description, but hey – we control, reduce, remove and even penalise the impact of humans on each other and the environment.  Some major industries dominate our time such as boat building & repair, manufacturing, mechanical workshops, food & fuel, and in some parts of the country even legalised and licensed fucking, not for me though, I don’t have that physically draining task. I can’t imagine keeping a straight face while filling in the claim form for a mornings round of full body massage, stress relief and head jobs and then writing the report on how the events proceeded. Some weird performance issues may well occur. None of that in the shower though….

This new career is the reward for completing a 3 year full time stretch at University, doing a Bachelor of Science degree…sure it’s an entry level science degree but a degree none the less. As a mature age student you would be right in thinking that I came to it with a fat set of preconceptions. Well!! They were all shattered; the place was run by buffoons who charge around 16 grand for the privilege of enduring their buffoonery. It was a hard slog, and like all students without their parent’s financial support, it was a 7 days a week affair – made up of full time work & full time study. The work I found myself enduring, while fitting in with my action packed schedule, was the truly joyless experience of driving drunks about, whilst offering the highest level of courtesy in a bus, for a local club….”almost” enough to put me off drinking for life.  I even had the unfortunate pleasure of separating urine affected pokie stools from the general population, I mean can’t you get up and go for a piss rather than just weeing on the seat you’re sitting on, what a bunch of soulless, desperate, incontinent folks. Many visit the club every day of the week, some of them all day every day, with their biological need to play the pokies and drink booze, completely satisfied in the warm bosom of a licensed club, alongside other such addicted breast feeders. To be kind, I am grateful the club allowed me to adjust my work roster around the Uni schedule, but certainly not for the endless stream of sad and smelly patrons they exposed me to.

Working here in Lincoln Point has tremendous advantages, although being an ageing cynic who doesn’t exercise, or take advantage of the surf and other local natural wonders, it seems a waste. It’s a pity though; I like it here but I normally admire the splendour from my lounge while watching TV, movies or my laptop. The weather is almost tropical, warm, turning to eyeball burstingly hot at times, as humid as a bag of oranges left in the sun at others, with a very blue sky mild winter that sees other Australians spending their winters here.

this has sat in the document folder of two computers now and awaits release .. whether or not it does depends on the continued success of tbaoo, how soon i win the bloody lotto and finding a relaxing place in a 6 star hotel to write it. don’t wait at the shop counter just yet !!