My life hurts today. I am continually reminded that I can not find the satisfaction I need here in this world. I wrote about taking off my training wheels, I wrote about it in Taking the Ultimate, and I wrote about it in He Still Loves Me. Why is He probing me! Why is He after me to change my heart so quickly! I want time! I am scared to leave my sacred ground of protection and the walls I have built around it. What is so urgent to have to expose my inner most desires and pour it out in front of the world to see! Why did He choose me to lose myself, my identity in this world, and come graveling to cling to Him for everything! I don’t have a dad to hold me. I don’t have a mother here to console me. I don’t have a sister who could possibly understand my hurts. Doesn’t he know the longing in my heart for that physical touch of a loving hug from a father? Doesn’t he know how I long to be able to pour my pain and sorrows out to a mother? Doesn’t he know that I long for understanding and acceptance by a sister? I want to find those things in the people around me. I want to fantasize that they exist because they really don’t! I want my dream life of people who understand and drop things to comfort me and love me. Let me live in my own world!!! But no! I do not get that! God keeps peeling away the layers that guard my heart! He exposes me and my desires which at times bring embarrassment, exposes my weakness, shows my insecurities. He knows I can’t hold in my emotions so I expose myself in my writings to all of you. If I didn’t I would burst, explode, go crazy! At the same time it brings me closer to Him. He heals those areas in my heart that have been damaged. No matter how hard I fight to hang onto them he picks at them. He opens them up. They bleed out pain and agony. They scream for God’s filling. He doesn’t give up. He doesn’t stop until I give in. Until I am weak and desperate. He does not give me any other way to run but towards Him. It seems so painful to turn to His direction but when I do I am healed. I am happy! I am taken care of! I am free! You think I would know this pattern by now! You would think that I know that His way gives me freedom and love and unending joy!!! But I continue to fight it! He continues to open me up anyways. I continue to give in to Him. Then I continue to heal. I continue to see His love. The things of this world continue to matter less and the people in this world continue to mean more. He loves you. He wants you!
It is killing me to go through this refining of my soul. But I know it is killing my sinful ugliness that abuse has formed in me. It scares the hell out of me cause that is all I am used to. He is killing me! The old me is dying, but He is replacing it with Him.