After a trip to Bangkok, JD arrives back in Amsterdam stowed away in a container. He has no memories - at all - an impressive set of bruises and a set of numbers carved into his arm. After recruiting nurse-turned-stripper Monique, JD wants to find out who did this to him and why so he's going to keep hitting people until somebody tells him.
(Because the producers couldn't afford Jason Staham)
(Because the producers couldn't afford Kate Beckinsale.)
(Or even Rhona Mitra)
(Who isn't in it that much but he's the biggest name
so he's going on the DVD cover, dammit)
Some Dutch people you've never heard of.
This movie features the following:
Some bloke getting his fingers cut off and microwaved
Two blokes riding down a busy street on bicycles, blasting away at each other with pistols.
Lots of closeups of a Xylophone.
(Probably quite exciting if you're into Xylophones.)
So why didn't I enjoy this more than I did?
"Amsterdam Heavy" has occasional flickers of something better but never really gets into gear. Part of that is JD himself. He looks like a badass and has his moments but is essentially too dull to carry the flick.
On the subject of dull: the fight scenes. There's some legitimate MMA fighters involved so I have to ask why the fights look so half-assed. Poor choreography? Poor camerawork? All the above? Watch anything Jason Statham's done lately to see how this should be done properly.
If you're a diehard Michael Madsen fan, don't bother seeing this. He's in three scenes and does nothing more than rattle off some sub-Tarantino bollocks, possibly while drunk. I mean, he does it well but deserves much better.
On the plus side....Alison Carroll looks lovely throughout and ...err... that's about it.
The bit with the bikes was fun I suppose.
How much did I pay for this: £2. Was it worth it: Barely.